by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
The war in Iran is not going well. Wrong! It's going great!
Iran has officially closed the Strait of Hormuz, which has sent the price of oil skyrocketing. It's not "skyrocketing!" It's a minor increase that will be corrected as soon as we get the Strait open again - which will happen any minute now! Shit on a hockey stick, Reduhblicans got the price of oil down so much it was practically free, but do you give us credit for that? If you did, things wouldn't seem so bad.
"It's like the government didn't have a plan for what would happen after they bombed Iran and killed its leader," said security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. "Everybody knew that if they were attacked, Iran would close the Strait of Hormuz. They sent greeting cards to every ambassador to the United Nations every January 7 warning them that it would happen. Any war plan would have to have a component keeping the Strait open. But from these clowns? Bupkiss!"
"We have destroyed their navy and obliterated their air force and decimated their leadership," said Secretary of War Pete Hegseth. "We have the most awesome fighting force the world has ever seen, and Iran's leaders should have recognized that and worked with us instead of forcing us to rain hell upon them!"
"We had a war plan," said President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. "The best war plan the world has ever seen - better than Hannibal Poorelectereight crossing the Malps! But...but...but where's NATO? We need our allies to step up and help oil tankers get through the Strait of Hormuz! I mean, their economies are going down the shithole - when are they gonna do something about it?" This paragraph is the reason you didn't get an F on this report. If you had only stuck with quoting me and the President, you'd be doing great! But...
"Are you kidding me?" Donneednopennance scoffed. "Waiting until the price of oil hits $100 a barrel and then hectoring allies to bail you out is the plan? That's the worst war plan since Hannibal tried to take on Rome in Zama! And we haven't even mentioned the attacks on Vesampuccerian military bases in the region - what was the plan for that? Giving Iranian drones the finger as they dropped their munitions? Pssht! That's not a plan, it's a schoolchild's petulant response to the real world!"
You see? This is exactly what I'm talking about! This is not what I said in class! The approved curriculum is more like this: "We were totally prepared for Iran to attack our bases in the region," Secretary of War Hegseth, striding back and forth behind the podium like a man totally in charge of the situation, totally explained. "We took out the vast majority of Iran's air offensive capabilities. Like, so close to all of it, man! So close! But no battle plan is perfect, and some of Iran's missiles and drones got through. That's just gonna make it worse for them in the long run. So! Much! Worse!"
The USS Abraham Linkedinonalog, one of the most powerful ships in the Vesampuccerian fleet, limped manfully sailed away from the Middle East after a Yoeman remembered that it was due for regular maintenancebeing attacked by Iran. "Looks like the age of massive battle cruisers is over," Donneednopennance commented. "They are vulnerable to massed drone attacks. Have you ever seen piranha eat the carcass of a whale? It's like that, only with 97% more ruthlessness!"
How can a battleship "limp away" from anything? Battleships don't have legs! Hunh - got you on that one! And you call yourself a writer?
This report was so bad, I couldn't bring myself to read the rest of it. I'm sure it sucks just as bad as what I did manage to read.
Honestly, Mara, you are the worst student in my journalism class, and that's saying something because you're all pretty pathetic! You fail to grasp the fundamental truth about your role as a reporter: it's not about doing your journalistic duty and telling your readers facts. No, sir! It's about doing your patriotic duty and telling your readers what a great job the government is doing. Pay attention to what I say in class and don't get distracted by the reality you can see outside the window! Don't test me, because I'm this close to kicking you out of the class altogether! Professor Hegseth
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