by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
The way Gemaine Clementinorange tells the story, one minute he was about to pay for a SuperExtraLarge Baconator Supreme at Bob So Tasty (a guilty pleasure - don't tell his wife - actually, his ex-wife now, so maybe it isn't that big a deal if you tell her, but what would be the point?) with his Lithium Credit Card (the one so rare it had to be imported from China), the next moment he was on the street in rags begging for a piece of that sandwich you know you're not going to finish. Memory can be funny that way.
"I was a successful child accountant," Clementinorange moaned. "Which is to say, I wasn't a child when I became an accountant - this isn't Hollyweird or anything like that. I was an accountant for children. It was a good life: I had a Lamborghini and a pet chinchilla. Not many people can say that. And now look at me: I would eat Chinabbon chinchilla if I had any idea where he was - and I don't have any HP Sauce!"
Clementinorange is one of a growing number of Vesampuccerians who have been frozen out of the banking system. No bank accounts. No debit or credit cards. No emails from the estates of Nigerian Princes telling them they have inherited a fortune and can collect if they'll just share their banking information. Okay, so being debanked isn't all bad. Still, it is very, very bad.
The government can order banks to cancel the accounts of Vesampuccerians thanks to the Reconsidering All Banking, Investment & Emolument Solutions (RABIES) Act, which passed 447-3 in the House and 99-1 in the Senate (fewer than five opposition votes are acceptable to the Kushkushinthebush administration as a way of demonstrating that the country still respects the will of the people). Given the digital nature of the economy, this effectively makes it impossible for somebody to live.
"Cash? I had never held a dollar bill or coin in my hand - I thought they were mythical, like unicorns or egoless actors," Clementinorange said. "Do you have any change - I know some restaurants that sell leftover food out of their back door at the end of the day."
Not wanting to admit that I never carried cash on me, I asked Clementinorange what he said or did that caused him to draw the wrath of the government. "Nothing!" he animatedly told me. "I swear! I was completely loyal to President-for-life Ronald McDruhitmumpf! And when his brain exploded, I was totally loyal to President-for-life Ronald McDruhitmumpf, Jr.! And when he was assassinated, I was absolutely loyal to President-for-life Eric McDruhitmumpf! And when he died under mysterious circumstances involving 17 doberman pinschers and a gherkin, I was utterly loyal to President-for-life Barron McDruhitmumpf! And since he choked to death on his privilege, I have been altogether loyal to President-for-life Jared Kushkushinthebush! This has been some mistake. Some ghastly, gruesome, soul-crushing mistake!"
I asked Vice President-for-Life Stephen Siewnottmillertyme whether it was possible that the government made a mistake in applying RABIES to Clementinorange. "The government doesn't make mistakes," he gravely stated. "The government exists to express the will of the people - claiming that the government has been wrong is like claiming the people have been wrong. And the people are never wrong. Not in an idiotocracy. Ever. Whoever says the government made a mistake deserves to have their banking privileges revoked!"
"You can't argue with logic like that," Clementinorange said. The gurgling of his stomach suggested otherwise.
Some have recommended that ICES agents be assigned to arrest and deport the increasingly large population of unhoused people now that there are no more people of pigment to subject to their tender mercies. Border Czar Tom Hohoholearthmann is open to the idea, but there are some practical considerations that would make it difficult. For one thing, most of the unhoused are Vesampuccerian citizens, so they could only be deported to other states. This could work if they were deported to Dumboprat-run states, but, when the Constitution was "reconsidered" and Californabama and New Yoricknuhemwell seceded from the union and joined Canada, there were no Dumboprat-run states left. Deporting disbanked citizens would merely shuffle them from one area of the country to another.
So, Vesampucceri would be following the time-honoured tradition of dealing with unhoused people, then.