by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Politics Writer
Hungarian strongman Victor Morbanforyorbuk has three friends in the world. His accountant, Karoly Andapandanan, who took the fall for his financial corruption, spending 12 years in prison before Morbanforyorbuk could pardon him. He trades tips on fashion and subverting anti-government protests with Vesampuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick, offers him advice on everything from flattering lighting in interviews to how to criticize your opponents in speeches without coming across as a bloodthirsty swine (much).
Recently, Morbanforyorbuk asked Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy for advice on how to deal with the upcoming Hungarian election which, despite all odds and efforts, he seems poised to lose. The Prime Minister suggested a "game changer:" fake an assassination attempt.
"Better a game changer than regime change," Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy advised.
Hire somebody to take a shot at Morbanforyorbuk at a rally and intentionally miss. He would have to be killed, of course (shh - don't want to spoil the surprise!), so he couldn't reveal the conspiracy. This would rally the dictator's base and take the wind out of the sails of the good ship Hungarian Traitor (aka: the opposition).
But what if the gunman missed and actually hit Prime Minister Morbanforyorbuk?
"Then the plan would become a diaper change game changer," Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy observed with the calm reassurance of somebody who knows he won't be in the line of fire. "But better a diaper change game changer than regime change."
He pointed out that some blood would have to be shown in order to sell the idea of an attempted assassination. Prime Minister Morbanforyorbuk should carry a ketchup packet in his pocket; when the shot is heard, he can duck behind the podium at which he is speaking and smash the packet to a visible part of his face (pro tip: not the forehead). When he pops back up, he will look like he is bleeding from a gunshot wound.
As I heard the Prime Minister outline the fake assassination plan, I couldn't help but get a sense of deja vu (or, if fake blood was used instead of ketchup, deja goo, or if the diaper was filled, deja poo). The scenario sounded strangely familiar. Eerily so.
<snaps fingers /> Of course! Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy was describing the assassination of President Abraham Linkedinonalog! No, wait - he actually died. If it was a fake assassination attempt, it proved a little too effective. No, the Prime Minister was describing the assassination of President John F. Kennebunkedy. No, wait - internet conspiracy theories notwithstanding, he died, too.
I'm sorry - can I help it if the history of Vesampucceri has been been so plagued with political violence that it's hard to keep track?
I meant: President McDruhitmumpf! The attempted assassination of President McDruhitmumpf! That's what this reminds me of! The half-destroyed ear that magically healed two weeks later. The weird fist pump while the Secret Service was trying to hustle him off the stage. The shocked, "This wasn't supposed to happen," look on the face of the dead shooter. It all adds up!
"Whoa, cool your horses, there, Pythagoras," said Grey House spokesdonkey Karoline Kleavittbelievitt. "I'm not going to dignify such a pathetic excuse for a concept of a plan of an idea with a response. But if I were going to respond, I would say: how dare you impugn the integrity of our great national leader who took a bullet for this country with tawdry conspiracy theories even Frank of Frank's Fourth In Line To Be The Ultimate Conspiracy Page would reject! I'm sure that Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy tells every world leader he talks to to fake an assassination attempt every now and again - that doesn't mean any of them listen!"
When it was pointed out that few world leaders other than bloodthirsty tyrants are willing to talk to Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy, Kleavittbelievitt snorted, "Did you not hear me say that I wasn't going to dignify the allegation with a response? Honestly, the things I have to put up with..."
If he did give the same advice to President McDruhitmumpf during the 2024 election, isn't Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy concerned that his advice to Prime Minister Morbanforyorbuk will cause people to look more closely at the McDruhitmumpf assassination attempt? Or, should I say the McDruhitmumpf "assassination attempt?"
"You might think that," Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy told me. "I couldn't possibly comment...on the record..."