Thank you, Rev. Fountain Wetmore Rainwater, for signing up forThe Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we woke up to discover that somebody had stolen our fillings in the middle of the night. They were made of copper - we're old-fashioned that way (it has nothing to do with hearing radio signals in our head - that was just a delightful bonus). We knew that, given the soaring price of the metal, thieves are making off with copper wherever they find it, but we thought our choppers were safe. We would ask some of the junkyard managers in the area if they have recently purchased copper dentition, but the metal was probably melted down and mixed with other ill-begotten substances.
*SIGH* We will have to get our cavities refilled. We're considering gold - surely, that will be safe!
Enjoy,Don't Be So Modest
This Will Be Paid For By Generations Of Taxpayers To Come
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1290957514]
more
If You Ask Soldiers Nicely, They May Let You Take A Selfie Next To A Bulldozer
Have you ever wanted to beat the crap out of somebody but were dissuaded by the fact that you could end up in jail? You know, that asshole who cut you off in traffic, or perhaps that person of pigment who got the job you had been working towards for years even though everybody in the office knows he wasn't nearly as qualified as you (everybody except management, in any case)? Some people just need a good beating, right?
Well, have we got a deal for you! Imagine a two week vacation in the West Bank (sometimes referred to by Israelis as "Judea," or possibly "Samaria" - it's hard enough to keep modern borders straight - trying to keep these ancient borders straight is just a pain in the ass). The sun! The food! And all the natives you could wish to beat the crap out of! And the best part? Beat up the right people, and there will be no legal consequences!
The Settler Experience Package is just $9,449 (weapons not included, although locals will be happy to rent them to you, and may even give you a discount if you allow them to join in the fun and brutality). Given how quickly Israel wants to annex the land, this offer is time limited, so act now!
SOURCE: Condor-Nasty Goer
[http://www.cngoer.com/air/lips-puce-eagle-contrast]
more
Ontario Hydro: Burning The Planet One Episode Of The Matlock Reboot At A Time!
Ron Popiel is willing to turn off all his energy-draining possessions for Earth Hour in order to help the environment. He is so concerned about the environment, in fact, that he would be willing to keep everything off for an entire Earth Afternoon (not an Earth Evening - he doesn't want to miss an episode of the Matlock reboot!).
But cutting his energy consumption in order to offset power-hungry artificial intelligence data centres? That's a kilowatt too far.
"Why can't you get an AI to solve the problem of how much energy AIs need to function?" Popiel demanded.
Tech moguls were divided as to how to respond to Popiel's challenge. Some thought it was a good idea and were willing to try it. Others thought it would be more cost-effective to hire a hit man to knock Popiel off and make it look like an accident.
"That seems a bit extreme," Popiel commented. "But as long as I'm killed in an environmentally friendly way..."
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=552]
more
Poorly Hydrated Eyes Would Also Explain Why He Never Cries (Although Being A Psychopath Would Also Explain It)
WHITE HOUSE SPOKESCOURGE KAROLINE LEAVITT: You always want to be the most well-read person in the room, and I try to be every day. But Donald Trump always is. That man does not miss a story. He's always reading the paper and watching TV. He never misses anything anyone says.
JOURNALIST: What about all the times he's been seen to be asleep in meetings?
LEAVITT: The man has trouble hydrating his eyes - he has to keep them closed more than most people so they don't dry out. Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to score political points at the expense of a man's affliction!
JOURNALIST: Un hunh. And what about the fact that people report that he snores?
LEAVITT: Again, he's not snoring. The President is...making race car noises. They help him process what he's inputting.
JOURNALIST: Sure. And what about all the times he has said the opposite of what his advisers have told him?
LEAVITT: He lies! Jeez, man, every issue of your publication says he lies! Do you not pay attention to your own rag? How well read are you?
JOURNALIST: Uhhh....
LEAVITT: Yeah, you process that. In the meantime, I'm gonna ask a real journalist a question!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/leavittaloneoritwillneverheal.shtml]
more
So, You're Saying They're Zionists? That's Antisemitic!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1574358278]
more
Farming Is So 17th Century!
our plan to protect OntarioSOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1290957515]
more
The United States economy added 144,000 jobs in February, surprising everybody. "I told you tariffs work!" exulted President Donald Trump. "Are you tired of winning, yet? Because this is just the beginning!"
Well, almost everybody.
As it happens, 137,312 of those jobs were actually employees the federal government had to rehire after courts told it their mass firings last year were illegal. "Some people wouldn't know a win if it shot them in the middle of Fifth Avenue!" President Trump complained. "Hee hee - see what I did, there? If I wasn't president, I could have been a stand-up comedian!"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB123462397492718808,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
more