by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Grift Writer
Say you had $1.776 billion to spend. It happens to the mediocrest of us. How would you use it to celebrate the 250th anniversary of the founding of the United States of Vesampucceri?
"I would throw a party and invite the world!" enthused North Dakexas warthog wrangler Septimus Originalsen. "Pizza and beer for eight billion people, please!"
When I suggested that his math wasn't exactly mathing, he thought about it and added: "Good point. That would be enough money to also buy chicken wings for everybody in North America and half of Europe!"
So, uhh, setting aside the aspirational math, the administration of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf decided to go in a different direction: it will give the money to criminals and insurrectionists. Because nothing celebrates one's country more than giving three million dollars to somebody who built a gallows to hang its vice president.
The fund, for those of you who aren't on TwitterX (I'm jealous, but I'm a professional, so I'll - *SOB* - carry on) started when President McDruhitmumpf sued the government for leaking a year of his tax returns. Yes, he had promised to release them, but he wanted to surprise the country by releasing them at his funeral. He was hurt. Very hurt. Ten billion dollars worth of hurt.
The Department of Injustice responded with, "You're the boss. Would you like that delivered in small, non-sequential bills in plastic bags in a dumpster behind a trattoria, or by Venmo?"
Unfortunately, as solid as it was, the lawsuit had the same flaw as every legal action the President has brought against anybody in his life: he would have to submit financial documents to the court in order to prove his case. Which was, you know, the opposite of the purpose of the whole thing.
So, citizen McDruhitmumpf said, "Tell you what. I'd like to save the state the cost and hassle of a lengthy trial. Why don't you give me $1.776 billion and we'll call it even?" And President McDruhitmumpf responded, "Why, that's only 227% of what you were originally asking for. That's quite a deal! I'll take it. But, why $1.776 billion?" Citizen McDruhitmumpf told him: "It's patriotic." President McDruhitmumpf exclaimed, "Genius!" Citizen McDruhitmumpf added: "Stable!"
That smile on my face is me thinking about how many lawyers would be out of work if everybody sued themselves like this.
"I would use the money to pay people to reenact the Civil War," said Franklin Anticounternon, a part-time dirigible from Selma, Alabota. "Only this time, I would ensure that only the south had live ammunition, so we would win!" When I pointed out that the recent political climate could be interpreted as the south finally winning, Anticounternon sighed. "Oh. Right. Is it too late to say I would throw a party for the whole white world?"
Oooookay. Moving on. Not missing a beat (almost like he - or somebody from Project 2025 2026...And Beyond - had planned it that way), President McDruhitmumpf stated, "It's only a fraction of the justice I was asking for, but the sooner we settle, the sooner the country can heal. And tell you what. Because I'm feeling generous, I'm going to use it to start a Payback For Me and My Friends Fund. It's the patriotic thing to do."
Actually, the President ranted for 37 minutes about windmills killing birds, which would be a bad thing except at least death would stop them from pooping all over his limousine, so maybe environmentalists don't always spout nonsense, but mostly, so let's not give them any credit... It was left to Grey House Press Moppet Karoline Kleavittbelievitt to translate for him.
Civil liberties groups and Mona's Romantasy Book Club said, "Wait a minute. And not just any minute, either, but a New Yoricknuhemwell minute - so you know we're serious about the whole waiting thing. Don't you need a judge to sign off on something like this if you want to call it a 'settlement?'"
"The judges are all friends of mine," President McDruhitmumpf answered (in translation). "At least, the ones who count are. I'm sure they'll be fine with the settlement - without the scare quotes."
How would I spend the money?" mused Esmerelda Fenestrationism, a housewife from East Gwillimbury, New Yorivada. "By, uhh, giving it to the poor, tragically misunderstood tourists who were abused by the police at the capitol and falsely accused of insurrection and stuff. And I would keep a billion for my troubles, because nobody knows the trouble I've seen!"
When I asked her who would control the Fund and determine who would get money from it, and how mu - wait a minute! A good old Vesampuccerian minute! Ronald, is that you? You've got your own news feeds - get out of mine!