Parliamentary Pages

Communications Minister Marcel Masse surprised everybody on The Hill be resigning yesterday. Although no accusations of wrong doing had been brought before Parliament, Masse was apparently being investigated by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for alleged violations of the Elections Act. (Funny, but when we overspend, all we usually get is a nasty letter from my bank manager.)

This came only two days after Fisheries Minister John Fraser left his post over the scandal that has come to be known as "tunagate." According to official Parliamentary Pages statistician Doug Kelcher, this is a new Canadian record for two Cabinet Ministers resigning from office for different reasons. The old record, held by two obscure members of the Cabinet of Louis St. Laurent, was three days, four hours.

The modern world record, Doug tells us, is held by the Americans. Apparently, while Richard Nixon was taking his big swandive from power, a number of other politicians were leaving a variety of posts. Depending upon which history rulebook you abide by, their record may be as little as 18 minutes. Officially, it is listed in the Guinness World Book of Political Records as three hours.

The ancient record, Doug goes on to explain, belongs to Pontius Firebyrdus, a Roman ruler of around 300 BC. As hard as it may be to believe, his Minister for Obscure Rationalizations and Ancient Roadways and his Minister of Ritual Toga Cleaning resigned within seven minutes of each other, the former for taking kickbacks from toll booth collectors who overcharged, the latter for allowing unclean togas to be worn in the Senate (a scandal which history remembers, if at all, as "togagate").

Doug points out that if Prime Minister Brian Mulroney continues to lose Cabinet members at this rate, he will be alone in approximately three weeks. If the Prime Minister replaced lost members of Cabinet with Progressive Conservative Members of Parliament, he would run out of them in just under one year.

Doug would also like us to remind our readers that statistics are the last refuge of the uninspired, and that everything that you have just been told should be taken with a grain of salt. Thanks, Doug.

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Journalists in Ottawa, who, at the best of times, have all the charm of dogs fighting over a bone, are rumoured to have started a pool on who the next Cabinet Minister to resign will be. You know how we hate to propagate malicious rumours of this sort, especially when we weren't invited to participate, but, as a public service to readers who might be interested in a piece of the action, we offer the latest odds on some of the candidates.

There is no truth to the rumour that Ottawa is considering a national lottery based on the exact time (hour, as well as date) of the next resignation. If such a rumour is substantiated, you can be sure that you won't read it here first.

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There are a lot of different angles to cover in the resignation of a prominent politician: the anguish of the politician involved and that person's friends and family; the slow disclosure of wrong doings, including the suspicion brought upon other politicians; the consequences for the politician's constituents and party. These angles have all been given more than enough coverage in the press as it is.

We at Parliamentary Pages prefer to look at the story behind the story, those funny little human moments that bring a smile to the lips or a tear to the eye of the reader. Did you know, for instance, that we've already seen bumper stickers on cars around town that read: "Honk if you were once a Cabinet member?"

We've also heard that some Canadian Broadcasting Corporation execs are planning on flying up to Ottawa this weekend to do some research for a new comedy series based on the wacky antics of Cabinet. The new show has tentatively been called No, Minister.

Finally, the owner of Neptune's Cavern, a seafood restaurant in Hull, can't figure our why people have literally emptied his place. When Parliamentary Pages suggested that it was because his name was Fraser (Zeb, not John, but who pays attention to such trivial details?), he replied: "Oh. Yeah. That could be it."

Ottawa can be a cruel town.