Week One
Oh, dear! James Brown – well, he’s not feeling good any more. UNGH! Now that he has died, who is going to inherit his mantle of the hardest working man in show business? A year ago, it might have been Jude Law. The year before that, Ben Stiller would have had a real shot. (Now do you understand why Stiller was heard muttering to himself, “Die you crazy old bastard! Why don’t you die?” at parties?) You might have thought that Dakota Fanning would be a good choice, but she’s only eligible to be chosen as the hardest working child actor (girl) in show business.
The field is wide open. Any ideas?
Week Two
Nominations are slowly beginning to trickle in for the “who will replace James Brown as the hardest working man in show business” contest. Without meaning to discourage anybody, I would point out that Eddie Cantor has been dead even longer than James Brown and would, therefore, seem not to qualify. Also, while I appreciate that Link from the Legends of Zelda video game series has been working steadily for the past 20 years, I cannot in good conscience allow his nomination since he is, in fact, not real. You do know the difference, don’t you?
Keep those nominations coming!
Week Three
Okay, look. I know that people who play video games are a little...let’s just say devoted. Still, I disqualified Link from the “who will replace James Brown as the hardest working man in show business” contest; why would you nominate Mario? Okay, fine, he’s more popular than Link. But he’s still not human. Get it? STILL. NOT. HUMAN. Therefore, not eligible. Can we please get back to the point of the contest, which is to find the hardest working man – MAN, as in HUMAN MAN – in show business?
Thanks.
Week Four
I, uhh, yeah, I apologize to fans of Mario, in all of his incarnations, past, present and future, in any medium currently known or unknown. I didn’t realize that he had such a...devoted following. Not crazy. No, I don’t consider any of you crazy. Not at all. Devoted. That’s what you are. Just...devoted. Tell you what – why don’t we accept Mario as the hardest working TOON in show business? That would make sense, wouldn’t it? Then, we could get back to the hardest working MAN in show business contest with no hard feelings, right? Right?
Oh, and, if you’re satisfied with that arrangement, can you please, uhh, stop the denial of service attacks, now? Please? My Web mistress did nothing to deserve them.
Week Five
Oookay. Rod Stewart has been nominated to replace James Brown as the hardest working man in show business. On the plus side, he is actually a human being, and he’s still alive. I never thought I would say this about Rod Stewart, but given how the contest has devolved in recent weeks, I think he would make a good candidate. Only, he doesn’t really record much any more, and he doesn’t tour that often and, well, he can’t even be bothered to be part of a juicy scandal. I mean, how hard working can you be if you can’t be bothered to get involved with a juicy scandal? I don’t want to be too hard on Rod, who was big in his day, but James Brown works harder than he does, and James Brown has been dead for a month.
Nice try, but I think we can do better.
Week Six
Okay, there seems to be a bit of confusion about this whole “hardest working man in show business” thing. It’s not enough to work hard – there are a lot of people in show business working hard. Hell, there are a lot of people working hard just trying to get into show business! To be the hardest working man in (on or around) show business, you have to sweat out at least five litres of fluids per performance, and at least a quarter of those fluids have to be blood! If you’re not doing that, sorry, but you just don’t qualify.
You know, when I think about it, nobody’s ever going to give that much to show business again. Nobody. Ever. To show business. Maybe, with the death of James Brown, we should retire the “hardest working man in show business” designation. Forget about it. You want an accolade? Try “the second hardest working man in show business.”
Any nominations?