What the Heck Do You Know? Is Worried About
The Courtney Love Produced Kurt Cobain Biopic, Too
661) What is public diplomacy (as in the US Advisory Commission for Public Diplomacy)?
a) propaganda’s prettier step-sister (you know, the one who was always asked to dance at the ball when propaganda clung to the walls waiting for somebody, anybody to notice her)
b) a new reality television series where a dozen diplomats from various countries are locked in a room; the one who stays uninvolved with the others the longest wins
c) what happens when privatization of government services goes a little too far
662) How many euphemisms for the term “torture” has the American government used to describe its use of, uhh, you know?
a) one
b) two
c) four
HINT: abusive methods of interrogation; aggressive methods of interrogation; alternative set of procedures; approved techniques of interrogation; coercive interrogation; harsh measures of interrogation; latitude in interrogation; rough methods of interrogation; stress and duress; tough methods of interrogation; unorthodox measures of interrogation
d) uhh, 10?
663) Despite being cleared in his own country of any connection to terrorists, Canadian Maher Arar will not be taken off the American no fly list. Why?
a) before they sent him to Syria for a year of torture and tanning, the CIA took his DNA and proved, conclusively, that he was descended from flies; keeping him out of the States is cheaper than developing a giant fly swatter programme
b) foolish consistency is the hallmark of bureaucratic minds
c) because that would mean that Dick Cheney was wrong, and do you want to be the one to break the news to him?
664) Who said, “premarital sex is really modern germ warfare?”
a) Eric Keroack, the new head of the Office of Population Affairs (and that was one of his more restrained statements)
b) Joe Amberworthy, a precocious 12 year-old who is in for a big surprise
c) Naoko Yamano, vocalist and guitarist for the band Shonen Knife
665) According to one estimate, five million Americans are no longer counted as part of the work force. That is to say, they are not listed as employed or unemployed. Where did they go?
a) they took their problems to the streets…literally
b) that magical, mystical place where the canals run with Barq’s Root Beer and nobody ever has to listen to Bell commercials with those annoying spokesbeavers Frank and Gordon
c) they took a wrong turn at the employment centre in Albuquerque
666) Ooh, this is creepy. Think we should have skipped this number?
a) yes
b) no
c) oh, I don’t believe in any of that superstitious nonse – wait. What’s that? Did you – did you see something moving in the shadows? I could have sworn I saw something moving in the AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Gurgle gurgle – ugh!
667) Who is Gavrilo Princip?
a) the man who shot Liberty Valance
b) the inventor of the cucumber sandwich (for which, may he be forever vilified!)
c) the man inadvertently responsible for the band Franz Ferdinand
668) Does renovating my kitchen make me a bad person?
a) not as much as gut shooting that nun while high on crack
b) yes – don’t you know that there are millions of people in Africa who have never even heard of formica?
c) yes, but don’t be too hard on yourself – everybody does it, and your mother lied to you when she said you would grow hair on your palms if you didn’t stop renovating
669) Really? Did my…did my mother lie to me about anything else?
a) umm, uhh, go ask your father
b) oh, absolutely. You probably didn’t know about her wild, promiscuous days before you were bor – OH, GOD, COME BACK HERE! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON’T ASK YOUR FATHER!
c) no, and you should be ashamed of even thinking about it as a possibility – she’s your mother, for goodness’ sake! Just for that, go wash your brain out with soap!
670) Sergey Brin, one of the founders of Google, has admitted that the company’s decision to censor its search engine in China was a boneheaded move. What should Google’s new slogan be?
a) Don’t be evil…NOT!
b) Don’t be evil…in English.
c) Don’t be evil…unless a market of over a billion people beckons.
671) Who or what is a “philanthropreneur?”
a) a businessman who really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really likes philo pastries (and, that’s 12 reallys, so you know he’s insane)
b) the sad, sad victim of a disease so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet, although scientists are partial to Neologismania, the main symptom of which is smashing two words that don’t belong together into a single word in order to see how many people will try to make sense of it
c) Warren Buffet aspiring to be Bono
672) In his state of the union address, President Bush stated, “Iran is providing material support for attacks on American troops. We will disrupt the attacks on our forces. We will interrupt the flow of support from Iran and Syria. And we will seek out and destroy the networks providing advanced weaponry and training to our enemies in Iraq.” This would mean that Shiite Iran is sending arms to Sunnis in Iraq which are being used to attack, among others, Shiites in Iraq. Why would he say something that makes so little sense?
a) his administration hasn’t told a whopper this big since the whole “Iraqi weapons of mass destruction” thing, and he wanted to make sure his cabinet was still up to it
b) Bush’s whole administration has been a postmodern comment on the futility of democratic governance in the 21st century, but, since few people have seen his manifesto on the wall of MOMA, nobody understands the subtlety of his thinking
c) Bush has the IQ of a stuffed armadillo
673) Congress has been informed by the Bush administration that Israel may have violated agreements with the US by firing American-supplied cluster bombs into southern Lebanon last summer. What is Congress going to do about it?
a) Congress has to do something about it?
b) you know, even if the bombs have caused 30 deaths and 180 injuries among civilians, at worst, this was only a technical violation…
c) son, have you ever been told about the birds and the bees and the non-binding resolutions?
674) What is “the inkblot strategy?”
a) clear, hold, build
b) clutch, grab, fondle
c) verb, verb, adjective
675) Do skeptics of global warming have a hidden agenda?
a) you thought that was a plan to make the Kyoto Protocol work in their pockets? Really? Don’t sell yourself short – they could have been glad to see you
b) of course not. The money they get from oil and gas companies is a…birthday present. That’s right. A $112,036 annual birthday present. As you can imagine, they have a lot to celebrate…
c) no. They have an overt agenda TO DROWN ALL LIBERALS IN RISING COASTAL WATERS BROUGHT ON BY THE MELTING ICE CAPS! There, now: aren’t you ashamed you questioned them?
676) Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that the Bush administration would abide by the FISA laws and no longer conduct warrantless wiretapping. He is expected to argue that any court proceedings arising out of the four year attack on American civil liberties would be moot because they’ve stopped. Where could you see this argument coming in handy?
a) explaining to your wife that your seven affairs while married were moot because you’re no longer cheating on her
b) explaining to your teachers that pulling on the hair of the girl who sits in front of you in class is moot because you’ve moved on to bullying other boys at recess
c) explaining to the judge that that string of robberies is moot because you’ve used the swag to go to law school
677) What is the first thing that pops into your head when a reviewer describes a film as being “as bracing as it is moving?”
a) art film
b) fucking art film
c) I should have become a movie reviewer
678) Michael Ignatieff, channeling his disappointment at losing the Liberal leadership into attacking the Conservatives, asked in Parliament, “How can this government represent Canada overseas if it cannot explain to Canadians at home what we need to do in Afghanistan?” Don’t the Liberals know what we need to do in Afghanistan, or does this mean that the Liberals who supported extending Canada’s mission there until 2009 didn’t know what they were voting for?
a) oh, umm, actually, now that you mention it…can I, uhh, get back to you on that?
b) the Liberals are just trying to defend the interests of ordinary Canadians…not that they know what those interests are, either
c) sure they did! The Liberal position can be summed up in three words: interdisciplinary, table lamp, caterwauling. There, now, aren’t you really ashamed you questioned them?
679) Who called the Kyoto Accord on climate change “a socialist scheme?”
a) Wally, the neoconservative penguin (who suffers from a chronic case of “Miserably Unhappy Feet”)
b) Prime Minister Harper, but, to be fair, this was in 2002, before he learned about the optics of making the right noises on the environment (a touching display which, nonetheless, rarely passes the smell test, but, I suppose, that’s a matter of personal taste)
c) Anaphylaximander, the Incurious
d) Tommy, that deaf, dumb and blind kid who sure plays a mean pinball
680) What is your reaction to Next, Michael Chrichton’s latest novel, in which, among other things, animals are bred to emulate the higher functions of humans?
a) why not breed animals to emulate the higher functions of humans? It’s not like we’re using the ones we were born with!
b) oh, great! Now my cat is going to be competing for my job in the advertising firm! I’ll have it neutered before I give up my corner office!
c) I don’t care, as long as Jeff Goldblum doesn’t star in the film adaptation
