What the Heck Do You Know? Hates Having To Hide Its Brains

781) Where will the United States get its honey now that the bees have taken a permanent vacation? a) that little indent under Americans’ noses – you know what I’m talking about, that…that indent – feel under your own nose – everybody has one, you know! Ach, forget it – your lack of knowledge about your own anatomy has completely screwed the joke, now!
b) from the grocery store where they always get it, of course
c) Constantinople

 782) Georgia state Senator Jim Whitehead once stated: “Left-wing political activists (are) intentionally registering illegal aliens to vote, including known Al Qaeda terrorists...” What made him say that? a) powerful shrooms, man
b) he was emboldened by the firm conviction that nobody was paying the least attention to him
c) the cameras were on him and, as his old mentor Yoduh always said, “Television abhors a vacuum”

783) Which form of the LOL* phenomenon finally lost you? a) LOLchartered accountants
b) LOLtaxidermists
c) LOLLOL cartoonists
d) other



 784) What is Mungo Jerry? a) ooh, you should be ashamed of yourself for asking about something so smutty! And, you should apologize to the seven dwarves and the radio announcer’s pet duck!
b) a new Ben and Jerry’s ice cream flavour featuring ground up discarded guitar strings (yum!)
c) the full name of Alex Karras’ character in Blazing Saddles (oh, look it up – that’s why god created the Internet Movie Database!)
d) other



 785) If Jean Reno had married Janet Reno, what would they name their children? a) Jeff, Jerry and Jemimah
b) Jersey, Jacaronda and JoJo
c) iiieeeesssh! – Jean Reno and Janet Reno having children is too scary to contemplate!

786) Louisiana Congressman William Jefferson claims he is innocent of all charges of soliciting bribes, wire fraud, money laundering and obstruction of justice, even though $90,000 in cash was found wrapped in tin foil in his freezer. What is an innocent explanation for keeping all that money in your freezer? a) Jefferson has a rare psychological condition that makes a person take metaphors literally, and somebody started talking to him about “cold, hard cash…”
b) tin cans weren’t a safe place to keep the money because his roommate has a fetish for looking in them; under the mattress was not good for the same reason (Jefferson really needs to reassess whom he chooses to live with…)
c) the space penguins put it there

 787) What does it mean when somebody accuses you of being “all set ups and no punchlines?” a) you’ve been daydreaming about Last Comic Standing a little more than is healthy for you
b) the relationship between synecdoche and Schenectady has finally broken down completely
c) if you don’t know, you should probably reassess your dream of becoming a writer for The Simpsons

 788) What is sulfhemoglobin? a) what happens when Ashton Kutcher replaces your blood transfusion with sulfur (a prank you won’t see on Punk’d, but you just might see on the nightly news)
b) an ancient Egyptian cat worshipping cult
c) a rare condition that turns your blood green – perfect for Halloween and convincing your ex to go for a quick divorce settlement
d) you should be ashamed of yourself – this is a family publication! If you don’t stop, you’ll grow hair on your platelets!

789) What is the significance of the fact that Foreign Affairs Minister Peter MacKay and Public Safety Minister Stockwell Day had to admit that six prisoners had claimed to Canadian officials that they had been abused while in Afghan custody, not four as the politicians had originally stated? a) with six tortured prisoners, you get egg rolls
b) six was Day’s lucky number, but four was MacKay’s, so it was a bit of a wash
c) if they have to admit to six, the number is probably more like 12

 790) What is a “carbon offset?” a) how copies used to be made
b) a swearword in Swaziland involving somebody’s mother, six oxen and a cheese grater
c) it’s what happens when an electron gets knocked out of a carbon atom’s orbit and has to be replaced by a small elephant (now who’s sorry he didn’t pay more attention in high school physics class, hunh?)

791) In the 2005 election, Prime Minister Stephen Harper promised to build three military icebreakers and a system of underwater sensors to protect Canada’s Arctic sovereignty. What happened? a) the United States sneezed, and the entire Conservative Party had a heart attack
b) a solar eclipse spooked the simple-minded military contractors, who refused to have anything to do with building military icebreakers for fear that the next time the sun disappeared, it wouldn’t come back
c) “protecting” borders is for wimps; real soldiers bash insurgents in foreign lands

 792) What is “Parental Alienation Syndrome?” a) the delusion that your parents are aliens
b) your parents’ claim to be alienated from society (figuring that they can score cred by beating you to the claim)
c) an unscientific theory (supported by precisely none of the major psychiatric associations) that allows abusers to maintain custody of their children in disputes with their ex-spouses – hard to believe that it is only accepted as evidence in courtrooms in eight American states, isn’t it?

793) While he was Attorney General, John Ashcroft had to go into the hospital to have his gall bladder removed. On his sixth day in intensive care, then White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales and then Chief of Staff Andrew Card appeared in his room (I imagine an ominous clap of thunder) and tried to get him to sign legislation involving a domestic spying programme. The fact that he was heavily sedated wasn’t the worst part; the fact that he had already refused to sign the legislation wasn’t the worst part; no, the worst part is that he had recused himself during his operation, so he wasn’t even acting Attorney General at the time. On a tip from Ashcroft’s wife, acting Attorney General James B. Comey and head of the FBI Robert S. Mueller rushed to the hospital (I imagine the tinkling piano of the silent era) in order to stop the hanky panky. What was the bus driver’s name? a) Bill
b) Bob
c) Omar

 794) What is a plutonomy? a) an economy based on Pluto retaining its designation as a planet (I’d get my money out of there – if it isn’t already too late)
b) an economy based on plutonium – given our increasing energy needs in the coming decades, this is one sector of the economy set to explode!
c) I have no idea, but the three main ones are the United States, Britain and Canada, so it’s gotta be a good thing…right?
d) other



 795) What is Complex 2030? a) the only vitamin regimen that makes your health worse
b) the year Vancouver will have its Olympic debt paid off by
c) a neurosis that will affect all Americans in 23 years

 796) What do you think has the best odds of being Tony Blair’s retirement plans? a) he’ll find a nice Latin American dictator to settle down and be a poodle for
b) he’ll become an international man of mystery and adventure
c) he’ll become a fixture on the chat shows, write his memoirs and generally bore the pants off of everybody who, by then, has wisely moved on

 797) The Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan was all over the news when it was exposing the misogynistic policies of the Taliban. Now, not so much. What happened? a) sure, Afghan women were very attractive with purple fingers, but, really, that was such a long time ago, and it’s not a strong basis for a long-lasting relationship, especially when the North American press is so fickle…
b) hey! The Northern Alliance may be misogynistic extremist Muslim fundamentalists, but they’re our misogynistic extremist Muslim fundamentalists
c) hey! When President Bush or Prime Minister Harper says our troops are in Afghanistan to help liberate the country’s women from oppression, who are the country’s women to say any different?

798) Intergenetic DNA, which was once believed to be inactive, has now been shown to create messenger RNA. It’s empty messenger RNA, but it’s messenger RNA nonetheless. How has this startling scientific discovery changed your life? a) I’ve suddenly become left-handed for no apparent reason!
b) I’ve suddenly become a boll weevil for no apparent reason!
c) I’ve suddenly become an AM radio drive time disc jockey for no apparent reason!

799) How badly do I not want to include a question about Paris Hilton’s latest adventures? a) I had to go lie down until the urge passed – and I didn’t get up for several hours
b) I gnawed my own arm off so that I couldn’t type it in
c) not badly enough, apparently

 800) Which of the following is the most healthy for you? a) Epinephron
b) Nora Ephron
c) a bowl of moldy cheese puffs