What the Heck do You Know?
Longs to Catch That Midnight Train to Georgia

821) FAMILY JEWELS 1: What did the CIA know about the terrorist bombing of a civilian Cubana Airliner in October 1976 which killed 73 people, including youngsters on the Cuban national fencing team? Why has the U.S. government protected and harbored two of the implicated terrorists, Orlando Bosch and Luis Posada, to this day? a) whoa! Whoa! Too many questions! I’m going to have a little lie down to calm myself, and when I come back, pick one!
b) yes, no and scratch behind Humphrey’s left ear and all will be revealed
c) it’s the heat

 822) FAMILY JEWELS 2: In 1980, what was the role of three CIA officers – Robert Gates, Donald Gregg and George Cave – in backchannel contacts between the Reagan-Bush campaign and Iranian Islamic radicals then holding 52 Americans hostage, a crisis that effectively doomed Jimmy Carter’s reelection bid? a) they baked the cake for the Ayatollah’s birthday
b) they cleared the backchannel of fallen leaves and squirrel droppings
c) they cleared the backchannel of dead Iranian pro-democracy protestors

 823) FAMILY JEWELS 3: What did the CIA do to protect drug traffickers connected to two major paramilitary operations in the 1980s, the contras in Nicaragua and the mujahedeen in Afghanistan? a) kept the kryptonite in a lead lined safe
b) repeatedly whispered in President Reagan’s ear, “Yeah, sure, they’re on our side. What’s ta worry about?” until he woke up from his nap and believed them
c) looked the other way, but otherwise did nothing (which, given the CIA’s record of incompetence, was just about the best thing they could have done for the contras and the mujahedeen)

824) FAMILY JEWELS 4: What was the CIA’s hand in the so-called “perception management” operations of the 1980s aimed at influencing how the American people perceived foreign-policy events? a) the left hand (not that it was anything sinister…)
b) if we say the hand of the CIA brought 10 plagues upon the Latin Americans at the Panama Canal, then how much longer can I play out this bizarre metaphor from half-remembered readings of the Passover Hagaddah? (Not long at all, apparently…)
c) they put on their cloaking device (powered largely by Ronald Reagan’s perceived charisma) and weren’t perceived at all by the American people

 825) FAMILY JEWELS 5: What did the CIA know about clandestine weapons shipments to Iraq during the Iran-Iraq War in the 1980s? a) how many weapons were in each shipment, how and when they were being transported, American contacts within Iran and how the weapons would be disbursed…but, other than that, they had absolutely no knowledge of the operation
b) they’re fattening (but the CIA just couldn’t stay away from them)
c) that Biff enlisted Skippy into the operation because he was in love with Jenny – and, ooh! – doesn’t she look good in military camo? – and Beverly Hills would never be the same

 826) What do you think of the new anti-Semitism? a) it’s thinner, more syrupy and sweeter than the old anti-Semitism
b) I think it’s just a marketing gimmick to get us to appreciate the old anti-Semitism more – they’ll bring back the old anti-Semitism, you just wait and see
c) it’s got a good beat, and you can pogrom to it

 827) What is the best argument the Democrats have for not initiating impeachment proceedings against President Bush and Vice President Cheney? a) they’re not going to let the 80 jurisdictions that have voted for impeachment boss them around (sorry – 82…no, 83 jurisdictions)
b) Bush and Cheney aren’t being accused of sexual misconduct, so, as low as it has sunk, the Democrats are completely missing the misdemeanours bar (85…86…87 jurisdictions…)
c) Bill O’Reilly will be mean to them (let’s agree to stop counting at 89 jurisdictions)

828) What does Dick Cheney keep in the walk-in, man-sized safe in his office? a) crates full of Hostess Ding Dongs. People in the administration have been begging him to seek help for this addiction, but he has claimed executive privilege on the issue (except when he hasn’t)
b) all the files that he’ll need to blackmail prominent people into pardoning him when the American people find out what he’s been up to for the past six and a half years (obviously, a regular sized safe wouldn’t be big enough)
c) a walk-in, man-sized man. Now, do you want to know why Cheney keeps him in a safe in his office?

829) No. What is a vegansexual? a) somebody who refuses to perform oral sex (think about it…)
b) somebody who smears tofu all over their body before having sex
c) the walk-in, man-sized man in Dick Cheney’s safe. There – I knew you wanted to know

 830) What is moral asymmetry? a) terrorists kill hundreds of innocent people without remorse, whereas when we kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people, we claim it was a terrible accident
b) when you try to counter the moral of an Aesop fable with the moral of an Adam Sandler movie
c) a new brand of soap for the military pundit on the go

 831) Which record-breaking achievement deserves the biggest asterisk? a) Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron’s record of 755 career home runs
b) George W. Bush breaking Ronald Reagan’s record of 436 vacation days
c) you for striking out with 27 different women in a single week

 832) What was “Project Artichoke?” a) the last time you tried to convince your husband to cook
b) I don’t know, but it involved the CIA’s left hand, which is getting dirtier by the question!
c) an experiment run by the CIA in the 1950s to see what would happen if you gave people hallucinogenic substances without telling them. The suburbs became a lot more interesting to live in, but nobody’s mind was controlled, and, given what we know of the CIA’s track record, is that any surprise?

833) Why was it called Project Artichoke? a) because Project Broccoli would just have been silly
b) because Operation Fava Bean had already been conducted by the military, and you know how they hate sharing code names
c) actually, it wasn’t, but all of those people whose minds were controlled were led to believe it was for reasons that have never been adequately explained

 834) First, it was a hint of cleavage. Next, it was calling herself “girl.” What is the next way Hillary Clinton will debase herself in her quest to become President of the United States? a) her campaign literature will have the slogan “Hillary, you know you want her!”
b) she’ll praise husband Bill for his record of Presidential accomplishments
c) she’ll hire Karl Rove to manage her campaign

 835) What is a basic rule of government spending? a) MRI before MRE except after terrorists at sea
b) it’s all fun and games until the auditor reports
c) for Conservatives, it’s evil*

 836) Okay, I know that we all want leaders who, you know, lead. But, when does pushing your own ideas stop being leadership and start being flouting the democratic will of the people? a) 8:37 (one half hour later in Newfoundland)
b) when the townsfolk start eying their pitchforks with more than hay on their minds
c) how soon is no – sorry. I was having an 80s flashback. I’m going to go watch a couple of hours of The Jamie Kennedy Experience and I’ll be fine

 837) If you masturbate using online porn, will you grow silicon chips on your palms? a) did your mother tell you that? Because, frankly, that makes her hip as hell. Wrong, but hip as hell
b) yes, but they easily wash off with a mixture of soap and carbolic acid
c) no, but if you do it often enough, you will go blind

 838) If possession is nine tenths of the law, what is the final tenth? a) chocolate pudding
b) having a really, really, really, really, really sleazy lawyer, big gun or fast route out of the country
c) it depends on who you’ve paid off

 839) What is “slash fiction?” a) short stories written by the lead guitarist for Guns N’ Roses
b) fiction written by scratching your pen across the page in short jabbing motions. Sure, it’s messy, but who are we to argue with the creative process?
c) a subgenre of fan fiction where a pair of usually heterosexual male characters – oh! Oh, my!! Oh, my goodness!!! With a Silurian? Is that anatomically possible?

840) What killed Steven Seagal’s acting career? a) Half Past Dead
b) Today You Die
c) the donuts – he’s got to get off the donuts

* Except if it rewards political donors, kills people or, in a perfect world, does both.