Thank you, Carissa Steele, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. According to Zippy the Pinhead, irrational exuberance is back, so we’re immediately going out and buying a ten ton barrel of Crisco!
EnjoyRestraint, So Important To The Smooth Running Of Society, Doesn’t Work For Satirists
Given the horrendous treatment of Canada’s native people throughout our history, it would be racist to make fun of them.
Oh, sure, I was tempted to write about how the Casino Rama board of directors racked up $370,000 in travel expenses between 2002 and 2006. But, no, no, I reminded myself of how we stole their land with treaties we didn’t honour and the temptation went away.
Then there were the $1.4 million in undisclosed expenses in the same time period. If that had been the federal government, there would be no question that I’d be all over it like a stink on ugly. But, no, stealing myself with memories of residential schools, I ignored the issue.
Then, it was revealed that the board gave money to a native band that doesn’t seem to, well, exist. Christ! I thought, I know the history here, but, dammit, I’m only human!
Given the behaviour of some of them, it would be racist not to make fun of Canada’s native leaders.
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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But…But…But…How…?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1849533138]
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The Grand Theft Starts Before The Game Is Even Taken Out Of The Box
Think $10 billion in sales in the first 24 minutes of Grand Theft Auto IV’s release was a bit of an exaggeration? Absolutely correct. Rockstar Games sent copies to every retail outlet they could think of, including: bazaars in Rwanda; lingerie shops in Saudi Arabia, and; yurts in Afghanistan that ordinarily only sell milk and rice.
Of course, most of those copies will be returned unsold. But, by then, the stock price will be so high that Electronic Arts will have to pay through the nose to acquire Rockstar. And, really, isn’t that what computer gaming is all about?
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=136]
Attacking Your Nomination Opponent While Refusing To Face Reality? Oh, Wait – You’re Not Talking About Your Pattern, Are You?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Appease And Carrots – One Unsavoury Dish
BUSH: There’s a junior Senator from a mid-Western state, a man with a black Kenyan father and white American mother who is running for the Presidential nomination of his party on a platform of change, whose policy of engagement with America’s enemies is dangerously close to Wilt Chamberlain’s policy of appeasement. And, we all know how World War II turned out!
OBAMA’S PEOPLE: Hey! Stop the thinly veiled attacks on our candidate! A willingness to talk to our enemies isn’t appeasement!
BUSH’S PEOPLE: Don’t be so thin skinned! What makes you think we were talking about your candidate? It’s not like we NAMED anybody.
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=579&dir=bb]
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Say No More (It’s Against The Rules)
Party Game regular Jack Duffy. [Finger runs slowly across throat.]
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Give Me Liberty Or Give Me…Vast Oil Reserves That I Can Control (For The Good Of My People)
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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These Messages Have Gone Beyond Mixed To Positively Pureed!
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have begun an investigation into irregularities in election spending in the Prime Minister’s Office. The RCMP, whose communications are now being vetted by the PMO, stated that it had found no wrongdoing even though the investigation hasn’t started yet.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080507.eladvote0507_@/BNStory/newsRightRoyalCMPain2008/]
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What’s To Decide? Pop It In The Microwave For 30 Seconds And Eat It With A Side Of Crow
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1843569238]
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No Hageeography Here
John McCain backer Reverend John Hagee has apologized to Catholics in a letter in which he says: “Out of a desire to advance a greater unity among Catholics and evangelicals in promoting the common good, I will stop referring to the bloody past of the Catholic Church.” Of course, we will be replaying Hagee’s most inflammatory statements twice an hour and always on Sundays over the next week.
…
Psyche! He’s apologized, so we’ll move on. In fact, we’re sorry we even brought the subject up.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2008/ALLPOLITICS/05/08/reps.main/index.html]
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Call Them Meatballs – Food Insults Always Work Well
HARPER: If we’re going to get a majority in the next election, we need the Swedish vote.
MACKAY: The vote of people in Sweden? Do we even let them vote in Canadian elections?
HARPER: (ignoring him) What historical grievance can we compensate people of Swedish descent for? (pause) Come on, people! We win their votes by giving them a million bucks and a nice plaque they can put on a wall somewhere telling them how very sorry the government of Canada is for…for what?
EMERSON: We…we never oppressed Swedes.
HARPER: I will not have such negative thinking in my Cabinet! Canada screwed over every racial and ethnic group at one time or another – we just have to find the incident!
STRAHL: I once made fun of a person named Lindborg…
HARPER: Yeeesss…
STRAHL: It’s a funny name, Lindborg.
HARPER: Okay! We can…we can work with this… Now, how can we build on this…insult to the Swedish people?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like an Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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