The following is a partial transcript of a meeting of the Secretary of State, Secretary of Defense, National Security Adviser, CIA Director and Attorney General that was chaired by the Vice President:
SECRETARY OF STATE: I'm not comfortable with more than...three slaps?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: That's not acceptable. I was told that we would be authorizing maximum slappage.
VICE PRESIDENT: That's right. We -
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Maximum slappage! Maximum slappage! Goddamit, I want maximum slippage!
VICE PRESIDENT: Dammit, Donald, you?ll get your goddam maximum slappage! We just have to figure out what that is.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Without crossing the line into torture?
VICE PRESIDENT: Without crossing the line into a publicity nightmare if this ever becomes public.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Wouldn't that suggest that we, uhh, minimize the maximum slappage?
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Oh, Colin, don't be such a wuss. I say we go with the original number: 35 slaps.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: That should get us some useable intel!
VICE PRESIDENT: George, you okay with that?
DIRECTOR OF THE CIA: Once my boys get used to slappage, I'm sure they'll have no problem with taking it to the max.
VICE PRESIDENT: Good. Good. John, do you see any problems with the legality of slappage?
ATTORNEY GENERAL: No problem here, boss.
VICE PRESIDENT: That settles it, then.
SECRETARY OF STATE: I still say the maximum is too high.
VICE PRESIDENT: I'm sure it'll make a lovely sentiment in your memoirs. Moving on - last meeting we started discussing the possibility of putting women's panties on the heads of male prisoners. Is it effective?
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Sexual humiliation is a great way of breaking down a prisoner's defensive barriers. Given that Muslim men are hyper-macho, I think this tactic will be a winner for us.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: It's always good to get a woman's perspective on these things. Especially when the woman is as attractive as our National Security Adviser, here.
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: (giggling) Oh, John!
VICE PRESIDENT: Sounds good to me.
SECRETARY OF STATE: Is that legal?
VICE PRESIDENT: Jesus Christ, Colin! If we worry about the legality of every little technique our interrogators use, we?ll never get any useful intel out of our prisoners!
SECRETARY OF STATE: It just seems to me that sexual humiliation goes against the Geneva Conventions, not to mention our own Constitution.
VICE PRESIDENT: John, do you see a problem with putting women's underwear on male prisoners' heads?
ATTORNEY GENERAL: Not if you don't, boss.
VICE PRESIDENT: Alright, then.
DIRECTOR OF THE CIA: My boys'll be happy to do it. Hell, they frequently do it to each other just for the heck of it.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: Can we talk about waterboarding now? Hunh, hunh? Please. Pretty please. Can we talk about waterboarding?
VICE PRESIDENT: In a minute, Don. While we're on the subject, is pissing on the Koran considered a form of sexual humiliation?
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: No.
DIRECTOR OF THE CIA: No.
ATTORNEY GENERAL: No.
SECRETARY OF STATE: We're going to authorize our interrogators to urinate on the holiest book our Muslim prisoners have?
VICE PRESIDENT: It's not like we're asking them to piss on the prisoners themselves.
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Although I still say we let go of that idea far too easily.
VICE PRESIDENT: That's what we're about, Condi - setting limits.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: WATERBOARDING! WATERBOARDING! WATERBOARDING! WATERBOARDING!
DIRECTOR OF THE CIA: We don't call it waterboarding. It's an "enhanced interrogation technique."
VICE PRESIDENT: Surely, we can be informal in this meeting and call things by their actual names.
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: ENHANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUE! ENHANCED INTERROGATION TECHNIQUE! ENHANCED INTERROGATION - of course, I mean: waterboarding - TECHNIQUE! (winks)
VICE PRESIDENT: Okay, Don. What about it?
SECRETARY OF DEFENSE: When can we start?
SECRETARY OF STATE: I thought we had taken waterboarding off the table.
VICE PRESIDENT: Yeah. Sorry about that, Colin. It went back on the table when you were out getting coffee.
SECRETARY OF STATE: WHAT? Are you telling me that we will be condoning a form of torture -
DIRECTOR OF THE CIA: An enhanced interrogation technique.
SECRETARY OF STATE: That was condemned when the Japanese did it to American prisoners in World War II and was labeled a war crime at Nuremberg?
VICE PRESIDENT: Look. Do you want to get the terrorists or don't you?
SECRETARY OF STATE: Of course I do!
VICE PRESIDENT: Well, then, let's not cry over a little spilled water.
SECRETARY OF STATE: (sputters ineffectually)
VICE PRESIDENT: (aside) If I had known he was going to be such a wet blanket, I would never have invited him to attend the meetings!