The candidate stands tall on the backs of his campaign workers, military reputation gleaming brightly in the sun, and says: "Average Americans are not heard in the legislative process because of the overwhelming influence of special interests, which is fueled by incredible amounts of money that are injected into political campaigns."
"What did he just say?" Rick Davis, one of the campaign workers that made the human pyramid on which the candidate stood, asked. As a member of the Paul Manafort lobbying firm, which had managed to get a $30 million development in New Jersey from the Department of Housing and Urban Development, he felt he had a stake in what the candidate was saying about "special interests."
"Sounded like he was saying something about lobbyists," Charles Black, a row down on the human pyramid of campaign workers, responded. Black worked for a public relations firm that represented such well known democrats as Philippine President Ferdinand Marcos, President Mobutu Sese Seko of Zaire and Angolan rebel Jonas Savimbi.
"Praising us for the contribution we make to the democratic process, I trust," Davis said.
"No," Phil Gramm, former Senator and lobbyist for banking giant UBS, who was close to the top of the human pyramid corrected him, "John seems to be criticizing lobbyists."
"What? After all we've done for him over the years?" Black indignantly demanded. He took his hands off the ankles of the person above him, momentarily causing a small wobble in that part of the pyramid, before he steadied himself.
"Oh, Rick, take a pill," Wayne Berman, a little further down the campaign pyramid of bodies, advised. (Berman lobbied for Ameriquest Mortgage, one of the noteworthy predatory lenders that was forced to settle suits with 49 states for $325 million.) "John is just campaigning. You know how populism gets votes."
"Let's be honest," Gramm added. "If he doesn't distance himself from the existing Washington power structure - if he doesn't distance himself from us - his campaign will be dead in the water."
"Still," Black mumbled, "it seems...ungrateful."
Just then, the phrase "...we need to close the door firmly on corporate lobbyists..." wafted down the pyramid.
"That's not what you said when you took our money!" Black shouted. Murmurs of agreement filtered up towards the top of the campaign pyramid.
"Oh, for god's sake, will you stop that?" Tom Loeffler shouted back from close to the top of the pyramid. The owner of the Loeffler Group, whose clients include the famously democratic government of Saudi Arabia, waved away Black's objections. "Have you forgotten that John said the exact opposite at the last private fundraiser we all attended?"
"Besides," Gramm added, "you think the Democrats are going to treat us any better? No - John is our best bet."
"Yeah, sure," Black allowed. "I understand that. But, what if John actually means what he says? I mean - he's a crazy motherfucker. He can't keep track of what he said five minutes ago - what guarantee do we have that he will remember our service to him after he becomes President?"
"Yeah!" the two Dougs, Davenport and Goodyear (think that fundamentally demo - no, I can't keep saying this with a straight face - the demagogic butchers of Burma), enthusiastically agreed from low on the pyramid of campaign workers. "Like he said."
Loeffler sighed. Without actually defending the candidate, he replied: "That's why we must ensure that lobbyists are always around him, especially after he takes office. To make sure John remembers...what the important issues facing average Americans are."
"Average Americans like us," Gramm added.
"Of course," Loeffler agreed.
Remaining unswayed, Black belligerently put his hands on his hips. Everybody in the pyramid above him swayed, frantically trying to maintain their balance. After a few desperate seconds, the pyramid righted itself. The candidate paused in his speech to glare down at them, then continued.
"DO. NOT. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN." Loeffler commanded.
Black was unrepentant. "What if the public finds out about this?" he continued to argue. "Do you have any idea how many different flavours of hell we?d all catch if people realized that John's actions aren't matching his rhetoric?"
"Rupert will make sure that doesn't happen," Berman responded. "Hey, Phil?"
"Yes, Rick?"
"Any chance I can get to a bathroom in the near future?"
"November," Gramm sagely advised. "We'll all be able to go to the bathroom in November..."