Thank you, Cameron N. Z. Westerbrook, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Do you realize that if Bill O'Reilly had been born with a carburetor, Vladimir Putin would have worked in obscurity on a chocolate chip cookie assembly line? It’s simple engineering - we’re surprised at how few people understand it!
Enjoy,Candidate’s Positions Evolve, Even If Species Don’t
PALIN: I welcome an investigation into the firing of Safety Commissioner Walter Monegan because I have done nothing wrong. I will cooperate fully with the investigation, which I am sure will exonerate me.
INVESTIGATOR: So, you won't mind answering a few questions?
PALIN: I certainly do mind! I refuse to cooperate with this investigation, which is turning into a Democratic witch hunt!
INVESTIGATOR: But, the panel that is investigating the issue is made up of three Republicans and only two Democrats. In fact, the committee that issued subpoenas for 11 people, including your husband, had eight Republicans and only four Democrats. How -
PALIN: Sexist bastard!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227166]
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Turnabout Is Foreplay - Oh, Get A Room!
Clint Eastwood, having seen an advanced screening of Spike Lee's new film, Miracle at St Anna, criticized the film for not portraying white soldiers in its platoon.
In response, Lee said, "Soldiers were segregated during the Second World War, and there were no white soldiers in black platoo…oh, I see what you're doing. Very clever, asshole."
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078356/]
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Score One For Satiric Journalism!
A letter you won’t see in the National Post:
After reading many letters and articles about the US election, it seems that most of the world's population regard Governor Sarah Palin as a messiah. Apparently, she is going to redeem the historic sins of others and deliver democracy to all corners of the Earth by dint of her lipstick. All this from a woman who has never held a job in the real world.
She is not a messiah; she is just a politician.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ocd-b6e6-4c28-bf9b-07b637cc48ec]
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Republicans Advising Democrats Always Crack Me Up
The following deconstruction contains 11 hidden comments. Collect them all!
"If only the Democrats could contain "their sense of entitlement to govern" in "a rational world", and their consequent distaste for wide swathes of the US electorate, they might gain "the unshakable grip on power they feel they deserve"....
"It will be hard. They will have to develop some regard for the values that the middle of the country expresses when it votes Republican. "Religion." "Unembarrassed flag-waving patriotism." "Freedom to succeed" or "fail" through one’s own efforts. "Refusal to be pitied," "bossed around" or "talked down to." And all those other laughable redneck "notions that made the United States what it is.""
Clive Crook in the Financial Times
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=603&dir=bb]
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So, We Should Vote For Somebody We KNOW Will Take The Country In The Wrong Direction? Nice Diagnosis, There, Doctor Harper
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Can I Say That? Obviously, I Have No Standards...
1 malignant fate) American troops, eager to kill Taliban insurgents in Afghanistan, are willing to act on any tip, no matter how flimsy. Knowing this, tribal chiefs have been feeding them false information about their rivals, essentially using the American military to carry out personal vendettas. This leads to Americans killing 90 civilians in a single bombing raid. What effect will this have on Canadian troops in Afghanistan?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Thanks A Lot! That's An Image That's Going To Give Me Nightmares!
Senior McCain advisor Carly Fiorina claimed that a sketch on the popular satirical TV show Weekends! was sexist, even though the performers and writers of the sketch were women.
Let's see: giving a job to somebody who is unqualified just because of her gender? Check. Whining about sexism every time your woman is asked even the simplest of questions? Check. Wow. Now we know why Republicans have been so opposed to affirmative action all of these years - at the first opportunity, they embody the worst aspects of it!
Still, it could be worse. Good thing they didn't realize that they could play the female victim card earlier - Dick Cheney might have gotten a sex change!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The Pathetic Fallacy Keeps Getting More Pathetic
Stephane Dion’s campaign plane had to make an unscheduled landing in Montreal last night when a generator lost power. Dion, his team and the journalists following him had to wait several hours on the tarmac.
Liberal Communications Director Mark Dunn said, "Do you think this was an omen? This wasn't an omen! There was no metaphoric power in what happened, just a simple technical malfunction. I'm telling you, this wasn't an omen! Do you...think that was an omen?"
Somewhere, a Conservative was laughing his ass off.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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If Only Life Came With An Escape Button - Oh, Wait, That’s What Drugs And Alcohol Are
Remember when we reported that Steve Jobs had been permanently deleted?
Undo.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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