Thank you, Westbrook Pegler, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Wow. A new day dawns. Burdens no longer seem so...burdeny. Everybody has a new jauntiness in their step (yes, even people in wheelchairs). You smile at strangers in the subway, and they smile back as they call you a pervert. Orange juice never tasted so...orange. And, juicy. Even sex...well, okay, still no luck there. But, even Coldplay sounds...tolerable. Yes, a new day really has dawned.
We give it two and half weeks. Three weeks, tops.
Enjoy,What If We're In Love With Ellen?
Californians who think they've accomplished something by passing Proposition Eight, which calls for an amendment to the state Constitution banning gay marriages, should think again.
Guys, do you really believe that you're getting something by invalidating Portia de Rossi's marriage to Ellen DeGeneres? Even if the courts don't overturn the proposition and their marriage is annulled, you still don't have a chance with her. You really should have gotten over de Rossi a long time ago.
And, what do you think all of those single gay men are going to do now that they don't have a stable mate to come home to? Exactly what your teenage kids do: have sex in the park and other public places. Without a life partner, they may even come on to you more.
You really didn't think this through very well, did you?
SOURCE: Yellow Triangle Blues
[http://ytb.gay/November_2008/election.htm]
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Not A Week Since The Election, And Already He's A Disappointment
Jerry's President Watch Diary
DAY ONE: Codename POTUS-elect (hey – what is the point of having a secret code name that everybody knows?) didn't declare himself a Muslim and welcome a terrorist attack on the Homeland.
DAY TWO: Still no sign of POTUS-elect's Muslimness and a terrorist attack.
DAY THREE: First press conference. POTUS-elect still does not declare himself a Muslim. Still no terrorist attack.
DAY FOUR: Why the hell is POTUS-elect not declaring himself a Muslim? Maybe the terrorist attack takes time to plan, but declaring himself a Muslim is something he could do at any time.
DAY FIVE: Could it be that POTUS-elect isn't a Muslim?
DAY SIX: Oh. Right. Rush Limbaugh explained it: POTUS-elect is waiting for the inauguration to declare himself a Muslim and welcome a terrorist attack on the Homeland. Makes sense. At least I have something to look forward to, now.
SOURCE: Red State Blues
[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/jerry_in_geo/2008/nov/10/where-is-the-terrorism-we-were-promised/]
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It's Like Losing The Comfort Of A Turkel Necked Sweater
Studs Terkel, master collector of oral stories, has died at the age of 96. The world was speechless.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Oh, Like THAT'S Really Subtle!
Stunt Nomination: putting a person on a political ticket because they are unknown but can appeal to a demographic you would like to target, even though they have few qualifications for the position. EXAMPLE: Oh, isn't it obvious?
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Speaking Of Pounding The Point Home
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56268137245]
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La La Land Blog Blah Blah
Italian businessman Raffaello Follieri has been found guilty of conning investors out of millions of dollars posing as a papal agent with real estate to sell. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care about a story like this, but he happened to be dating Anne Hathaway before he was arrested.
Anne. I know you must be feeling shocked and humiliated by what the man you were involved with turned out to be. If you need to talk, drop me an email. Any time. Really. I'll drop whatever I'm doing to be there for you. Seriously. Get in touch. Okay?
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Going To Washington With Cap And Trade In Hand
Preemptive Environmentalism: offering the newly elected leader of a country a deal on the environment before he or she has had the opportunity to articulate his or her own policies on the issue. EXAMPLE: Less than 24 hours after Barack Obama was elected President, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, in a preemptive environmentalist strike, offered to enter into a cap and trade deal with the United States that would protect Alberta oil sands projects.
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Is That All?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1456822038]
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If Only Experimental Conditions Weren't Impossible To Recreate In A Lab!
The Syrian government claims that a recent American attack on its soil killed "a father and his three children, the farm's guard and his wife, and a fisherman." The US military claims, on the other hand, that its forces killed a key al-Qaeda in Mesopotamia operative.
This is a great example of the concept of the quantum uncertainty of war. In the textbook case, a cat sits on a battlefield. When it is killed, it has a 50 per cent chance of being an innocent civilian and a 50 per cent chance of being a wanted terrorist. Which one will the cat be? The only way to determine that is by a journalist actually looking at the body of the cat; until that time, it could be either, so it has to be considered both.
Of course, no journalist is going to risk their life to determine the identity of a dead cat on a live battlefield, so this remains a largely theoretical exercise.
SOURCE: The Journal of Sub-atomic Politics
[subscription only]
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