Thank you, Sheila C, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we thought we might use one more thong joke, but we couldn't get enthusiastic about it: we had lost the thread...
Enjoy,That's Not Blagojeviching Funny!
Blagojevich (expletive): a very, very bad thing. EXAMPLES: "The Senate seat is a Blagojeviching valuable thing, you don't just give it away for nothing!" or "Fire all those Blagojeviching people [on the editorial board of the Chicago Tribune], get 'em the Blagojevich out and get us some editorial support!"
SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Think The Conservatives Will Ever Win A Seat In Quebec Again? Ever?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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We ALL Live In Mister Rogers Neighbourhood
Canadian cable czar Ted Rogers has died at the age of 75. He has taken monopoly control of the obituaries page in Eastern Canada and will be selling readers different packages of death announcements.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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HINT: "Do What I Tell You Because I Know Best" Is Not A Negotiation
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has called talks between the three opposition parties "back room deals."
Actually, it's called "negotiating," Prime Minister. You should try it some time. If you had, you might not be in the mess you're in now.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591031813&call_pageid=
968335263492&col=966266972154]
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Colmes For The Holidays
Alan Colmes has announced that he is leaving the show Hannity and Colmes. Fox News network's token Liberal, Colmes was frequently abused by the show's guests and even his co-host, Sean Hannity. In a press release, Colmes said he was leaving the show to spend more time being abused by his family.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Me, Feel Free To Be Sorry At/I'll Never Be A Poet Laureate
Wiggy for Iggy, Constitutional Crisis Version
Remember when you said you would go batty ifSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/247.html]
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If We Can Find A Cure For Motion Sickness...
MONDAY: I saw a homeless man on the sidewalk with a sign that said: "I was told to be the change I want to see in the world. How am I supposed to turn myself into a buck and a half's worth of quarters?"
TUESDAY: John Updike has been given a lifetime achievement award from the judges of Britain's Bad Sex in Fiction. I don't know – I've always found his descriptions of sex to be pretty accurate. Maybe couples counseling would help...
WEDNESDAY: Why do we call them WMDs? They are weapons of mass destruction, not weapon of mass destructions. Really, shouldn't we call them WsMD?
THURSDAY: When I toot in the bathroom, what does it sound like to the spider making her Web in the corner?
FRIDAY: I was having trouble with my boyfriend – it happens in the best of relationships, right? So, I asked an online love guru for his advice. I was about to take it, too, when I found out that the love guru was only nine years old. Nine years old! I should have realized something was up when his first response to my email question was: "Yeh, dude, u should really do something about that. Sounds harsh."
SATURDAY: I just saw the opera Dr. Atomic. Wow. I want to live in that world. (I mean, of opera, not of atomic bombs.) And, I can: all I have to do is treat all of my speech like a weird song. "I (up) asked (down) youuuuuu to (up) take (down) oooooout (pause) the (up) gar- (down) bage!"
SUNDAY: George Carlin once said that if Jesus came back to Earth today and saw what was being done in his name, he wouldn't stop throwing up. Of course, science is developing a pill for that...
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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Killing People In Foreign Lands Is So Last Century
EXT. HOME – DAY
It is a typical suburban home. A military jeep is parked next to a tree in the front yard.
INT. JEEP – DAY
Two soldiers, in full uniform, are monitoring a bank of electronic equipment. A third soldier, in foreground, is talking animatedly into a walkie-talkie.
EXT. SKY – DAY
A military helicopter, rotors whirling, flies down into frame. The door is open and a soldier is standing there, an anxious look on her face.
EXT. HOME – DAY
A ladder extends from the helicopter to the tree. The soldier in the previous shot starts climbing down the ladder.
INT. JEEP – DAY
The soldier is shouting excitedly into the walkie-talkie. The soldiers behind him are pointing at the electronic equipment with great concern.
EXT. SKY – DAY
The helicopter soars into the sky. The soldier is climbing up the ladder, a cat under one arm.
INT. JEEP – DAY
The three soldiers are giving each other high fives, relief and joy on their faces.
SUPER TITLE: Fight trees.
CARD: Canadian Forces logo. TITLE: Canada's Armed Forces: we're cute and cuddly and wouldn't dream of waging war against other countries. Nope. Not us.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/unnecessaryuseofforces.shtml]
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