Thank you, Happy Adjustable Spanners, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Is it true that you legally changed your name to Happy Adjustable Spanners because you lost a drunken bet? If so, could you explain to us why we would want you as a reader?
Enjoy,I Can't Wait For The Sequel: Why I Am Not A Lesbian
Why I Am Not a MuslimThe author takes a long time – almost 400 pages – to get to a simple point: he is not a Muslim because he was born and raised Jewish, a religion to which he continues to subscribe. I know that anti-Muslim books are hot right now, but still...
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.68/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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I Am Not A Number, I Am A Free – No? Okay. I Understand. It's Just That I Seem To Have Misplaced My Credit Card...
Actor Patrick McGoohan, star of the surreal spy drama The Prisoner, has died at the age of 80. Just days earlier, Sir Ian McKellan, who stars as Number Two in a current remake of the series, stated: "Well, one of the characteristics of the original was that the questions that you were invited to ask, as to why and who is in charge and what are their motives, were never really answered. Hence, the enduring fascination, I think. The viewers are still guessing as to what was the meaning of it all. This is different. By episode six, you know everything about The Village: where it came from, where it's going to, who created it, why they did it and what it's like to actually live there."
I'm sure it was just a coincidence.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Just The Practice
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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It's Just This Kind Of Ace Reporting That's Driving Readers To The Internet
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1946037768]
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Life Imitates Art, Then Throws Up All Over The Sofa In Your Den
Monday. 9pm. HBO. Big Love. Bill plans a trip to Bountiful, British Columbia, but it is cancelled at the last minute when Barb has an anxiety attack. And, a good thing, too, as Winston Blackmore and James Oler, leaders of the Bountiful community, are arrested by the RCMP for polygamy.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It Was A Groundbreaking Graphic Nov...Oh, Never Mind...
What's all this I hear about who washes the washmen? What washmen? I've never been around a man who liked to do the wash. Not laundry. Not dishes. Not stray animals that followed me home and I decided to keep. Men just don't have the washing things gene in them. And, why does this imaginary washer need somebody to wash him? Was he born without hands? Or, maybe he lost his hands in a bizarre washing accident? I'm sorry, but this whole who washes the washmen thing just doesn't make – what? What? WHAT? It's watchmen? Who watches the watchmen? Oh. What the hell does that mean?
SOURCE: The Emily Litella Remembered Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/EmilyRemembered]
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You've Got To Hand It To Them
Critics have charged that the Canadian government has abandoned its even-handed approach to problems in the Middle Easter. As proof, they point out that Canada was the only country on the United Nations rights panel that refused to condemn the current Israeli bombardment and invasion of Gaza.
I couldn't disagree more. Canada slaps Palestinians with one hand, then it turns around and slaps them with the other. What could be more evenhanded than that?
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c09-bf9b-07b657cc24ec]
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We Didn't Say Our Answers Would Be Helpful
Q: According to still Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, the second $350 billion of federal bailout money should be used to buy bad assets from banks. Wasn't that what the first $350 billion supposed to be for?
A: How dare you!
Do you have an MBA? I don't mean one you got over the Internet because of all of your "life experience;" either, I mean one where you actually had to attend lectures, take tests and get hazed to within an inch of your life by members of a secret society. No? I didn't think so. So, who are you to question the Fed Chairman?
Q: Isn't this a Q&A feature?
A: You again?!
Do you have a degree in journalism? I don't mean one you got from a junior college, either, but from an Ivy League school where the lectures and tests actually meant something in the real world and you got hazed to within an inch of your life by members of a secret society. No? I didn't think so. So, who are you to question me?
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=94ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a825]
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Does James Brown Know About This?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1306038068]
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Dirty Pool
We were thinking of starting an office pool to guess when the bi-partisan feeling in Congress will collapse and the Republicans will start to openly taunt the Democrats again. But, uh, we got a memo from human resources that suggested that our political pools were "destroying morale and otherwise not in the best interests of the company." We were under the impression that our pools were the only thing maintaining morale in this hellhole of a company, but, it looks we were wrong.
So, as a change of pace, we will start the following office pool: how long into the first episode of *24* will it be before Jack Bauer tortures somebody. As a bonus: how long after the airing of the first episode of *24* will somebody in the media use a clip from it to support torture.
What? We're talking about culture!
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/January2009.txt]
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Obviously, Somebody Didn't Get The Memo From Dana Perino
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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