Thank you, Yancheng Jiangyang, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the entire staff played hooky to welcome in spring by tiptoeing through the tulips. And, you know what? We rediscovered the fact that we're all allergic to tulips and slunk back into the office looking for a really big box of tissues.
Enjoy,Limbaugh, Humbug!
RUSH LIMBAUGH: I suppose many of you are waiting for me to say what a great job the President did giving the Navy Seals the go-ahead to rescue Captain Richard Phillips by killing three of the four pirates that were holding him hostage.
Well, you can just forget it.
I stand by my statement that Obama is a pussy. If a real man like George W. Bush had been president, all four of the pirates that had taken Captain Phillips hostage would have been killed, even if one had already surrendered. Not only that, but the Navy Seals would have gutted them and ate their hearts raw. Maybe not in front of the cameras, but the public would have known. That would have sent a message to those who want to destroy America! Until you see computer animation of Americans feasting on the raw hearts of our enemies, you know the commander-in-chief is some kind of fey poseur!
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/outonalimbaugh.shtml]
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What? Just Because You Study Makeup You Can't Be A Secret Agent?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1370532738]
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Be Especially Wary Of Young Men With Scars On Their Foreheads
There is a little Voldemort in all of us.
That horrible, evil magician from Harry Potter is lending his name to a common human behaviour that causes us to destroy our enemies when we perceive that we have been wronged (and, sometimes, just because we can and, you know, destroying one's enemies can be kind of fun).
And, the Voldemort Effect knows no cultural bounds, say the Tilburg University authors of a study examining the negative implications of unresolved rage, published in a recent edition of the journal Emotion.
"Young, old, rich, poor, male, female, wizard, muggle," they write, "the Voldemort Effect is dormant in us all, just waiting for – sonofabitch! Did you just cut me o – where is my wand? Where is my freaking wand!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088592921813&call_pageid=968377278492&col=968656972154]
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Denby Of Iniquity
New Yorker film critic has written a book called Snark : It's Mean, It's Personal, and It's Ruining Our Conversation. He thinks Internet bloggers are demeaning public discourse by descending into vitriolic personal attacks.
Listen up, pedantic asshole. You – oh, wait. That was snarky, wasn't it? By using that phrase, I could be proving Denby's point. On the other hand, it's the name of my Web site, a phrase I use to link my disparate thoughts together in a cohesive way. To not use the phrase could undermine my Web site's identity.
Thanks for the dilemma, asshole.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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You Think They Know What Teabagging Is?
They Can't Know What Teabagging Is...Can They?
Average citizens across America are buying teabags just so they can rip them up and toss the contents into the nearest waterway. Why? Apparently, they are opposed to taxation with representation.
As a political protest, it may be incoherent, but at least buying all those teabags is good for the economy. And, who knows? Thanks to global warming, Bostonians and New Yorkers may be competing to see who can get into the Guinness World Book of Records for the largest pot of tea.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2009-04-16-lipton-loving-it_x.htm]
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The Spector Of Doom
Republicans now accuse President Obama of "palling around with murderers" because Phil Spector wore a "Barack Obama rocks" button to court when he was convicted of second-degree murder in the death of actor Lana Clarkson. By this logic, there is a taint on the reputations of the Righteous Brothers, the Ronettes and, oh, yeah, the Beatles.
"The Republican smear machine is so desperate its claims are becoming outrageous," one unnamed senior White House source stated. "Hopefully, it won't end before the 2010 midterm elections."
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2009-04-11-spector-general_x.htm]
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New Economic Realities Call For New Defense Strategies
Disgraced former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich has tentatively been signed to appear in a reality TV show called I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. He is awaiting the approval of the court where he is being tried on corruption charges.
I've heard of poisoning the jury pool, but I've never heard of a man on trial actually attempting to make potential jurors physically ill.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/04/13/leggomy blago/]
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It's Not What You Know, It's Who You've Friended
Remember a study conducted 20 years ago at Ohio State University found that students who used Facebook spent less time studying and had lower averages compared to those who didn't?
Well, a follow-up study of what happened to those students showed that, on average they had advanced further in their chosen careers and made more money than students who had not used the social networking site. Why? Because through Facebook they had become friends with the people who ran the companies!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=30322644414647384687fx]
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I've Just About Run Out Of Karzai Puns, Thanks
A young couple in love hoping to elope were caught and executed by the Taliban in a remote part of Afghanistan that they controlled. This should not be seen, however, as a measure of the barbarity of the country in which Canadians are fighting and dying.
"It was street theatre," explained Afghan President Hamid Karzai. "The children were performing Shakespeare's timeless classic about young love, Romeo and Juliet, and village security misunderstood their intentions. What? Your security forces have never massacred whole families at the climax of Hamlet? Well, we're a young democracy, and you have to expect these...unpleasantnesses from time to time. Still, I'm looking forward to a Kabul performance of 300..."
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/04/15/jokesaboutkarzaihardtocomeby090415]
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Of Course, The Same Could Be Said Of The Tampon Industry, And You Don't See Them Clamoring For A Bailout To Stop The Bleeding
The Canadian Autoworkers Union (CAW) has urged the government to aid the profitable car sector, claiming that GM and Chrysler generated $37 billion in revenue in Canada between 1972 and 2007. "Not only that," CAW claimed, "but if you amortize that over the life of the universe so far, the investment actually costs pennies a day!"
SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker
[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%2C%20%0A&type=a&mr=302&CFID=789762&CFTOKIN=18726515]
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