Thank you, Hephaestus Gluckstein, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Alright. Let's settle for sunset orange. But, I don't think you're going to be very happy with it...
Enjoy,You Can't Trust Citizens With Their Own Limbs
Arguing to restrict the public funding of amputations within the District of Columbia, Republican Representative Todd Tiahrt claimed that amputations paid for by public insurance will lead people to irresponsibly chop off their limbs. "They'll ask themselves, 'Do I want to go to the trouble of rehabilitating my damaged limb after an operation?'" Tiahrt stated. "And, many will answer, 'Naah, I might as well get it amputated. It's not like I have to pay for the operation!'"
Tiahrt went on to say that, "If you think of it in human terms, there is a financial incentive that will be put in place, paid for by tax dollars, that will encourage people to have the opportunity for a free amputation. If that financial incentive was in place, is it possible that our President's mother may have taken advantage of it? The opportunity to have tax-funded amputations, a financial incentive, is something that I think most of us want to oppose in America."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Aug10.html]
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No, That Would Be A Cow Jerker, And Highly Inappropriate In An Office Setting
MONDAY: I got an email from somebody in my office that described me as "an irritating cow irker." I didn't even know the company had such a position. Do you need a college education to be a cow irker? How, exactly, does one irk cows, anyway? Does it involve udders at all? (My college education obviously didn't help me on this subject.) I'll bet being a cow irker pays better than my current position. I must look into this...
TUESDAY: I burnt the top of my head swimming a couple of days ago. Now I know how a snake feels when it molts.
WEDNESDAY: A new study shows that people in their 80s and 90s tend to be happier than younger people. But, the study doesn't say that the stress younger people go through makes it so much harder for us to get to our 80s and 90s to enjoy all that extra happiness!
THURSDAY: If nobody is asking and nobody is telling, why are thousands of soldiers being kicked out of the military?
FRIDAY: I'm curious to see what my cartoon face would look like, but I'm worried that it might scare small children. At this rate, I'll never make it to my 80s! On the other hand, my cartoon face at that age would definitely scare small children!
SATURDAY: A man in Alberta who bought a sandwich that he felt was "too hard" pepper-sprayed the clerk behind the counter of the corner store he got it from. Wow. And, I thought the Bronx was tough!
SUNDAY: The bra manufacturing industry in China is sagging. Business in the city of Yanbu used to be perky. However, drooping consumer spending worldwide has cut into sales. If firm action is not taken soon, the industry could go completely bust. Okay, if we've got that out of our system, can journalists get back to reporting the news, now, please?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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And, He Hopes And Prays That Bernie Farber Will Find It In His Heart To Forgive Him
In response to yesterday's statement by God that the state of Israel has not treated the Palestinians fairly, Bernie Farber, the Chief Executive Officer of the Canadian Jewish Congress accused the Lord of anti-Semitism. "Never in my life would I have thought I would see such accusations coming from such a source," Farber declared. "Anybody who says this is anti-Semitic."
Late this afternoon, God's office issued a press release stating that He had misspoke, and of course He stands together with his Chosen People.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090807.eladvote0807_@/
BNStory/newsWereStayingOutOfThisOne2009/]
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There Goes Chuck, Making A Grassley Of Himself Again
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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What Do We Think Of It? May We Be Frank?
FATHER: They're coming.
ANNE: Coming?
FATHER: Coming.
ANNE: Who?
FATHER: The Nazis.
ANNE: The Nazis?
FATHER: The Nazis.
ANNE: Are coming.
FATHER: Are coming.
ANNE: For me.
FATHER: For you.
ANNE: The Nazis.
FATHER: Are coming.
ANNE: For me.
FATHER: For you.
ANNE: What should I do?
FATHER: Hide.
ANNE: Hide?
FATHER: Hide.
ANNE: From the Nazis.
FATHER: The Nazis who are coming.
ANNE: For me.
FATHER: For you.
ANNE: Hide.
SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/itstruehesayshesworkingonit.shtml]
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Injustice Must Take Its Course
Dear Canadian Citizen:
Have you been detained by a foreign government while traveling abroad and denied the right to return home?
"If you are white, click here for our response."
"If you are not white, click here for our response."
Sincerely,SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=644&dir=bb]
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