Thank you, Ralph Waldo Koizumi, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Yesterday, we had a little trouble with the URLs of our sources, which, for some inexplicable but undoubtedly malevolent reason, got somewhat jumbled. Mostly mixed up. Okay, completely SNAFUed. With all due respect to Sir Paul McCartney, we don't long for yesterday; in fact, we can't wait for it to recede in our memories thanks to the relentless forward flow of time and new experiences. Anyway. We could republish yesterday's Daily Me with the correct URLs. But, that would entail some effort on out part. So, instead, we'd like you to consider it a small reminder of the random nature of reality.
Enjoy,Sounds Like A Football Game, Feels Like Looooove
You saw them on your television screens over the summer with their funny hats and vitriolic hatred: the Tea Party protestors. But, did you know that there was more than one kind? That's right. On the one hand, you have the Tea Party Patriots, those folks who are against everything the Obama government does because it's the Obama government, duh; on the other hand is the Tea Party Express, those folks who are against everything the Obama government does because it's the Obama government, obviously.
Sometimes, you can't tell the right wing lunatics without a scorecard.
Fortunately, scorecards are easy enough to create. Just watch the behaviour of your local Tea Party crazies and match their features with the two main groupings in the chart below; the closest match is your group. If your local Tea Party crazies do not fit either schism, head for the hills, because there is a new strain of crazy in town!
| Express | Patriots | |
|---|---|---|
| believes Obama is | Mao | Hitler |
| believes taxes are | theft | Satanic |
| believes health care reform is | plot to kill granny | plot to kill granny |
| public support | astroturf | grassroots |
| Fox News | supports | tolerates |
| Republican Party | supports | ignores |
| weapon of choice | concealed handgun | semi-automatic rifle |
| crazy scale (out of 100) | 89 | 98 |
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=656&dir=bb]
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Taking The Fun Out Of Fundamentals
International National Products Ltd. rose almost five points on brisk trading yesterday. This happened despite the fact that the company posted a $5 billion loss on revenues of 36 cents last quarter and, at its most recent meeting, the company's Board of Directors voted in favour of selling 95 per cent of its work force into slavery. What explains the rise in the company's stock price?
"We were expecting shareholders to storm the corporate headquarters, decapitate the CEO and other senior executives and drag their mutilated corpses down Wall Street," explained Minnie Mordante, twilight trader. "When this didn't happen, when it became apparent that the company was going to beat analysts' expectations, there was a frenzy of buying that raised its stock price. Simple, really."
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=94ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f52-a2eb4cc6a825]
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Musical Chairs Puts Canada On Hot Seat
NATO defence ministers gave their broad endorsement yesterday to the counterinsurgency strategy for Afghanistan laid out by General Stanley McChrystal that called for sending in more troops.
France agreed that Britain should send more troops. Britain thought that Italy should send more troops. Italy believed that if the Czech Republic were really serious about NATO membership, it would send more troops. Eventually, everybody looked in the direction of Canada.
Canada shrugged and stated, "Yeah, it always comes down to that, doesn't it?"
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/10/23/mcchrystalcoke091023]
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Yes We Can't!
infinity less a day) Where has the White House been on the issue of meaningful health care reform?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Gucci Koo!
Fashion Week took a turn for the strange this year as fashionistas were hesitant to air kiss. "Germs are transmitted through the air," Barbara Atkin, Vice President of Fashion Direction for Holt Renfrew, stated. "Nobody wants to get the H1N1 virus. I mean, we all love fashion, but pink noses and red eyes just don't accessorize!"
One possible solution to the problem was for designers to air kiss each other in separate rooms via videocam. "The technology that puts two people in different places on the same video screen is really amazing," fashion show fixture Marlene Shiff enthused. "You can almost smell the fear in the other room!"
Wouldn't this put nearby models in danger of catching the virus? "They could stand to lose the weight," Gucci designer Tom Ford sniffed. "Fat cows!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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And, Frankenstein's Monster Enjoyed Watching Badminton
Prime Minister Stephen Harper has said that "as a big hockey fan, I would certainly like to see more teams created here in Canada."
When asked what his favourite NHL team was, Harper got a blank look on his face and, after a long pause, answered "The...Shebuctoo...Gonads?"
Marjorie Mourningstar, Minister of Making the Prime Minister Look Human, shook her head sadly and muttered to herself about "so close...yet so much work still to do..."
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Worst Segment Intro Ever
Happy birthday to Christina Amphlett, who turns 51 today. Does the former Divinyls singer still touch herself? We'll find out later in the show.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2009/2009/10/25/amphlettitbe/]
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ACORN In Their Side
SENATOR ALAN GRAYSON: Let me get this straight. You want to defund ACORN because it may have defrauded the government, even though it hasn't been charged with a crime, let alone convicted of anything?
SENATOR MICHELE BACHMANN: I absolutely want to defund ACORN.
GREEK CHORUS: Be careful! Be careful, Michele!SENATOR GRAYSON: So, organizations that defraud the American government should lose their government funding?
SENATOR BACHMANN: It only seems right. Why should the government give money to organizations that rip it off?
GREEK CHORUS: Michele, your argument may not be weak,SENATOR GRAYSON: Any organization that defrauds the government?
SENATOR BACHMANN: The taxpayers need to know that their money is well and properly spent.
GREEK CHORUS: Oh, dear.
SENATOR GRAYSON: So we should immediately defund, for instance, Halliburton for wildly overcharging and underperforming on its contracts for the Iraq War?
SENATOR BACHMANN: Yes. No! What?
GREEK CHORUS: Oh, Michele, we hate to have to mourn you,SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/micheletherightsbelle.shtml]
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