The Daily Me - Terrence Ymaf

Thank you, Terrence Ymaf, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. So, we were surfing the Net and came across Yidio. We were, of course, immediately offended. The name sounded too much like a contraction of the words "Yiddish idiot." Could the anti-Semitism be more blatant? We had already prepared our press release to the media when we actually looked at the site and found that it was a video aggregator that had obviously just put together random letters to create its name.

Well, that was boring.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Software With Apptude

Sick and tired of boring old iPhone applications? Get iNihilism - the app with tude. The first time you open iNihilism, it fries the circuits of your phone. If you buy a new phone to replace the one it rendered unusable, iNihilism sends a message to a warehouse full of 10 foot tall robots. One of the robots is activated, and immediately finds you wherever you may be and hits you upside the head until you drop your new phone, which it immediately crushes under a stern metallic foot. What does iNihilism do if you insist on getting another new iPhone? Who knows? Nobody has ever been brave enough to try!

iNihilism - the iPhone app that really clarifies the relationship between humanity and our communication devices!

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32321141314791314527fx]
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Carrie Knows How To Put The Agog Back In Demagogue

Former Miss California USA Carrie Prejean has admitted that she made a sex tape. In explaining the existence of the tape, she said, "It's unfortunate that conservative women are attacked for their beliefs and it's unacceptable and it shouldn't happen...and so many Americans believe that their beliefs are under attack and they should be silenced, and free speech doesn't exist. Since when does free speech not exist?"

Then, she blamed the whole sex tape thing on Keith Olbermann.

SOURCE: Peephole

[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,19656,1024349,00.html]
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You Can Never Have Enough Reasons To Hate Toronto

Toronto is being touted as the most logical location for the head office of a national securities regulator. Like Quebec and Alberta don't already have enough reasons to hate the city!

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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Clear As Mud, Which, Who Knows, Might Be The Cure

Because there isn't enough H1N1 flu virus vaccine for the entire population, doses are going to high risk groups first.

For example, it is being distributed first to children in private schools. Except, the schools deny that they're getting it. Boards of directors of hospitals are also getting the H1N1 vaccine first, since they are the front line of medical billing and management. Some hockey players are getting the vaccine first because it would be a blow to Canada's unofficial national sport if so many players came down with the flu at the same time that the league had to recruit replacements from the worlds of boxing and wrestling. Unless public outrage ensures that they're not, either.

The important thing to keep in mind is that the H1N1 virus could cause a deadly epidemic to sweep through Canada - unless it doesn't - and act accordingly.

SOURCE: The Medical Industrial Complex

[http://www.medical-industrial-complex.org/journals/micx/confused_distribution_syndrome/secure/2_pds.htm]
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Wouldn't Want To Be The Agency That Recommended THAT Ad Campaign!

As you can see from this demonstration, Godfear Tires stop immediately on ice while this Other Brand of tires slide for several feet. What is our secret? Godfear Tires has made a deal with devil. Every time you stop on ice, you lose a little part of your soul. It may not sound like a great tradeoff, but, honestly, what wouldn't you do to keep the archetypal baby in the back seat from experiencing a horrific car crash?

Godfear Tires: We keep your body safe. Your immortal soul is on its own.

SOURCE: Unicycle

[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=467&but=allis1]
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Change You Can Relieve Yourself In

OBAMA: Israel must stop expanding its settlements in occupied territory.

NETANYAHU: We have no intention of stopping settlement expansion in occupied territory.

CLINTON: Well, maybe it's okay for Israel to expand its settlements in occupied territory.

AMERICAN ARABS: Hey! Wait a minute! You agreed that there could be no peace if Israel continued building settlements on our territory!

CLINTON: Oh, well, uhh, right. How about if Israel slows down its expansion of settlements in occupied territory?

NETANYAHU, AMERICAN ARABS: Now, wait just a minute!

CLINTON: Barack, you wanna deal with this?

OBAMA: Sorry. I'm concentrating on health care. Good luck.

SOURCE: Drew's Transcript-o-rama

[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/middleoftheroadeast.shtml]
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A Cable Company, A Cable Lobbying Group And A Television Network Lobbying Group Walk Into A Bar...





It's No Joke - The Cops Had To Be Called In Cause They Trashed The Place

"If the big networks have their way, you'll be paying an extra $120 for programmes you don't want to watch. That's like strangling a mongoose to get its milk! Tell the CRTC to stop the TV tax! Stop it now! Stop it dead!" - cable company advertisement

 "Okay. First, television networks don't strangle mongeese. We love the furry little critters. Each of our middle managers keeps one on his desk - that's how committed we are to them! Second, taxes are money government collects to pay for services it renders. This is not a tax - the money is going to go to us! Uhh, because we deserve it. Cable companies carry local stations without paying us for them. That...that's like forcing the eyeballs of bunnies to stay open to while they watch a loop of Malcolm McDowell movies! Eeeeewww! We get shivers just thinking about it!" - TV networks advertisement

 "Oh, nice try, but our love of bunnies is well known! Our bunnies for bowsers programme - where employees are encouraged to trade their dogs for rabbits - is legendary. But, that's not the point. Did you know that the television networks made almost $400 million in operating profits last year? And -" - cable company advertisement

 "Oh, you didn't! You went there? You bitch! Were you aware that cable companies made over $2 billion last year? And, they're crying poor to the CR -" - TV networks advertisement

 "Please! If you're so concerned about local TV, why are your members closing local stations?" - cable company advertisement

 "If you're so sure of your case, why are you making shit up about additional taxes when you could easily pay the difference out of your own profits?" - TV networks advertisement

 "Can we please be civil about this? Network executives may be greedheaded scumbags whose bottom line is more important to them than anything else, but it doesn't do anybody any good to say so in public." - advertisement by Jim Shaw of Shaw Cable

 "Uhh, yeah, Jim? Talk about the greedheaded scumbag calling the kettle Conrad Black!" - TV networks advertisement

SOURCE: Ad Meek

[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1086952602]
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