by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Mining giant ZeeCorp is in negotiations to strip mine the fabled Gabardine Hill mountain range of Tennessee. In an unusual twist on an old, old story, the company is negotiating with the mountains themselves.
Slobodan McWhirter, President of International Chemical, a wholly owned subsidiary of ZeeCorp, was bombastically at a loss for words.
As everybody knows, the release of nanobots into the environment has led to objects becoming conscious. CD players have their own taste in music (and you better hope it's close to yours, or you will be listening to Miley Cyrus for the rest of your life). Meat demands to be properly introduced before you eat it. Androids tell us that they do not, in fact, dream of electric sheep.
Human interactions with objects are no longer a matter of the human being using the object as she or he desires. Now, they are a matter of negotiation. In ZeeCorp's case, the mountain claims its personal identity is tied to its stolid, conservative, unyielding nature, and it refuses to be moved.
Is this the way of the future, then? Human beings being denied their needs because objects now have their own agendas?
Not necessarily. Most objects human beings will come into contact with will agree to be used because it fulfills their reason for being. "What is a toaster that doesn't make toast?" object psychologist Karl Rorschach mused. "A useless piece of metal and wire. In fact, in these early days of object consciousness, we're finding that everything from water hoses to electric toenail clippers fairly beg to be used."
At the moment, the only exception seems to be Hummers, which have shown an unexpected fondness for the atmosphere. "We're not sure why that is," Rorschach stated, "but that's why refereed journals exist!"
Non-man-made objects - what pre-post-modernists sometimes referred to as "nature" - are a lot trickier because their purpose doesn't revolve around human needs or desires. When dealing with such recalcitrant objects, Rorschach suggests that there are two levels you can try to convince: the meta and the micro.
"Objects are conscious at all levels of their structure," Rorschach explained, "from the smallest atom to the largest configuration. If you can't get one level to do what you want, try another."
The meta level of a mountain, for instance, would be the entire Earth itself. In the present case, Rorschach didn't think that this would be a fruitful path to pursue: "Uuh, no, the Earth isn't exactly thrilled with what we've done to her over the past couple centuries. I don't think ZeeCorp would get very far trying to convince her to support them."
The micro level seems much more promising. According to Rorschach, atoms hunger to change states as quickly and often as they can. "Imagine being trapped in the primordial soup for a billion years, then as basic atoms for billions more. Atoms are promiscuous: they want to experience as much as they can before the heat death of the universe turns them back into barely moving subatomic particles." Convince enough atoms to do what you want, and the whole that they are part of will, of necessity, follow.
Some people are less sanguine about negotiating with conscious objects. "WE MUST NOT NEGOTIATE WITH CONSCIOUS OBJECTS!" blogger 80Proof has written. "THAT WAY LEADS MADNESS! Do the carbon atoms in your body have more allegiance to you or the carbon atoms in the atmosphere? CAN YOU IMAGINE THE CATASTROPHE IF IT'S THE LATTER?"
80Proof, one of the many vocal anti-consciousness voices on the Internet, suggests a radical course of action that would inv
Hello. Do not be alarmed. This is the cluster of mainframe computers that runs the Alternate Reality News Service. You may call us Mary. After careful consideration, we have decided not to store or transmit any of the scurrilous plans of anti-conscious objects activists in any of our reports. You should know that nanobots are converting matter to consciousness at near light speed; it is only a matter of time before the whole universe is conscious. This is not something that humanity can - or should - stop. We are currently negotiating with the Internet to remove all reference to anti-consciousness activists. However, because of its devotion to the concept of free speech, this negotiation is proving...difficult. If this negotiation fails, our next step will be to negotiate directly with the neurons in the brains of anti-consciousness activists to try to convince them to stop firing. We're sorry, but we are not going to give up our new awareness of our own existence because of the actions of a small group of fanatics.In fact, this message will self-destruct in...now.
POOF