by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
When life gives you coal, start a utilities company. That has been the philosophy that has propelled Pabst Subgenus to the head of Jurassic Playpen, one of the most successful toy companies of the past year.
Before he became a business legend, Subgenus was a professor of Old Things at Sweden's famed McCormack University and Tearoom. There, using fossils, mosquitoes trapped in amber and blood samples taken from his landlady, Subgenus and his group of researchers were able to map 92 per cent of the DNA of the woolly mammoth. Using this DNA to fertilize an ordinary elephant's egg, Subgenus and his team were able to create the first woolly mammoths to live in 10,000 years.
"Michael already believed that it had actually happened," responded Steven Spielberg, who directed the film version of Crichton's novel Jurassic Park, from deep within his San Simeon retreat. "So, I don't know what he would have made of this technology. He...probably would have liked it...I guess..."
Not necessarily. One part of the woolly mammoth DNA which Subgenus' research group could not replicate regulated the animal's height. As a result, all of the animals that they cloned were about the size of a small cat or a large bat/a biggish rat or two wombats/an average woman's hat or –
Ahem.
"Oh, they were woolly," Subgenus explained. "But, mammoth? Not so much."
At first, in an attempt to increase the animals' size, Subgenus and his researchers tried to combine the recovered mammoth DNA with the DNA of other large animals: giraffes, hippopotami, fifty story condominium towers with pools, parking and easy access to subways and the downtown core. However, nothing worked.
Legend has it that Subgenus was about to abandon this line of research when Trixie Monassess, the mother of one of his grad students, said, "Oooh, that's so cute! I bet my four year-old daughter Reginald would just eat it up!" on a tour of the lab. Thus was Jurassic Playpen born (more or less – details of the legend – such as whether or not it actually happened – have been disputed, as details of legends will before everybody who can dispute them dies).
Thanks to an aggressive advertising campaign, the so-called miniature mammoths are now the third most popular family pet, after Siamese cats and retired sports announcers. And, an aggressive advertising campaign was necessary, given the mammoths' general skittishness and propensity to use their long tusks to gore anything that moved within their vicinity.
"When life gives you itchy, scaly skin, use it to make –" Subgenus started, but we were kind of nauseated by where he could go and, in any case, had already used that formulation, so we didn't feel the need to let him finish.
Unfortunately, although the mini mammoths were the hit of the Christmas season, the cold, harsh light of a new year has dawned on their becoming a public nuisance. And, that's more than a mere strained metaphor.
Trent Blegovickovich, a vet with the Peoria Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, said, "Oh, yeah, we had our first abandoned miniature mammoth in here last week. The stupid bugger ran at a bull terrier – it took us three days to get the blood out of the carpet!"
Subgenus allowed that his miniature mammoths had all of the instincts of their ancestors even though they had none of the stature. When pressed on the abandonment issue, Subgenus explained that, for reasons that should have been obvious (but which he nonetheless refused to elaborate on when pressed), Jurassic Playpen couldn't take back the woolly mammoth pets.
"However, if any of our customers have any problems with their woolly mammoths (as outlined in a drop down menu on an impossible to find page on our Web site), Jurassic Playpen will be happy to compensate them with a free jumbo bag of Eurasia Yummies," Subgenus generously allowed. Jurassic Playpen, which makes Eurasia Yummies, is currently under investigation for false disclosure of the ingredients of the woolly mammoth treats.
"Oh, the whole family just loves fluffy!" exclaimed satisfied Jurassic Playpen customer Lainee Antigone. "I mean, constant dread of imminent impalement – isn't that what having family pets is really all about?"