by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
A man begs for change from a well-dressed woman, who rushes past him without making eye contact. Fifteen minutes later, she arrives at her apartment, late for a date with her lover, and, perhaps feeling guilty, is rougher than usual in bed. Unfortunately for him, when he gets home later that evening the man's wife notices the welts and, threatening him with divorce, extorts from him a promise to buy her a home in France. The next day, the man, a United States Senator, argues passionately against any form of government financial help for the ailing auto industry, helping to defeat the bill. And, another employee of the National Security Agency (NSA) kills himself.
"Yep, yep, that is just about the best theory I've got, dontcha know," stated Courtney Giraffolo, the FBI agent heading the investigation of the suicides at the NSA.
To date, 27 people working at the NSA have killed themselves. Twelve died of gunshot wounds, six were poisoned and at least one died of penguin inhalation.
"Oh, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep," Agent Giraffolo sadly shook her head and said. "You wouldn't believe the damage a determined person can do with flightless water fowl. I'm just happy he didn't take anybody else with him, ya know."
All 27 of the dead NSA employees were working in a top secret department known as Not Total Information Awareness But Something Remarkably Similar (NTIABSRS). The NTIABSRS programme collects all the electronic information in the world, and uses it to find bad people. At least, that's the theory.
Here's how it works: a pair of teenagers text back and forth about the girl's unplanned pregnancy, agreeing that she should definitely not tell her parents. Over the next couple of weeks, her mother puts a lot more alcohol purchases on her credit card than normal, which suggests that, however it came about, she knows. A police officer tickets her for driving while under the influence. Because he is on that call, a different officer responds to a domestic disturbance and is stabbed in the chest with a shrimp spork. This is all revealed in intercepted text messages, credit card histories, police reports and, of course, the occasional episode of Jerry Springer.
And, thanks to the NTIABSRS programme, America is safe from terrorists for another day.
A top NSA official denied that the NTIABSRS programme existed. When pressed, he denied that the NSA existed, or that he worked there. The discussion began to get heated, and the NSA official denied that there was a country called the United States on a planet called Earth. She started to claim that the universe itself didn't exist when the phone line mysteriously went dead.
Despite the denial, the NSA is developing a negative reputation in the United States intelligence community. "I would rather be assigned field duty in Osama bin Laden's asshole than at the NSA," one anonymous person with 27 years professional experience and 12 years amateur experience in intelligence commented. "The mortality rate is much lower!"
What is it about their work that drives NSA drones to suicide? "It takes decades of meditation for a man to be able to achieve total information awareness," explained Buddhist and cough syrup connoisseur Sri Maharashi Ranananda Shivas Rorschach. "The untrained mind cannot cope with the knowledge of the connectedness between all living things. I…I couldn't help but notice you eying my vintage ‘98 Dimetapp. If I may say so, you have a very good eye for cough syrup."
The Maharishi agreed that the NSA death toll would go down if the agency hired Buddhist adepts, but he didn't think it would happen. "When you have lived in the one and seen the fire at the heart of human existence," he stated, "why would you want to take a desk job for a pitiful salary?"
When I suggested that the NSA might make do with lapsed Buddhists, Maharishi Rorschach brightly responded, "Hmm. Might work. Let me meditate on this. I'll get back to you in 20 years."
Although the suicides seem genuine, FBI Agent Giraffolo is considering bringing charges against the concept of total awareness. "Oh, yep, yep, yep, sure, sure, yep," she said. "There was that case – what was it, now? – State of Illinois v Corporate Capitalism – yep, that was it, boy – that showed that the courts are willing to try cases against abstract concepts. Oh, sure, it was burned, pissed on – excuse my language – and left in a gutter for dead by an appeals court, but the principle is sound.
"Because, let's be honest here, okay? One or two employees committing suicide is common. Happens all the time in the business world. No biggie, right? But, 27 employees killing themselves? Well, something hadda drive them to it, god help their rested souls, and I want to see that thing brought to justice!"
The investigation continues.