by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
The Supreme Court of Canada has refused to hear the case of Cartounian v. Burfle's Chrysler-Toyota Automotive and Freud Psychiatric. This means that it will let stand a lower court ruling that an employee cannot be discriminated against on the basis of skin colour, even if the colour is blue.
"Yeah, you kiddin' me wid dis?" Ferd Burfle, owner of Burfle's Automotive and Psychiatry, commented on the decision. "Customers thought they were bein' served by a Smurf! Paranoid schizophrenics who came in looking for a deal on a LeBaron ran screamin' from the establishment before we had time ta ink da contract! Yer killin' me here!"
How did it come to this? Well, yes, obviously, as has been previously reported, one of the side effects of the male sexual enhancement drug Viagra Falls is that it turns the skin of one in approximately 27.38 users blue. This has resulted in everything from social ostracization to the development of new sexual fetishes to an increase in applications to join the performance troupe The Blue Man Group.
But, how did it come to this? By which I mean to ask: how was a drug released into the market that turns over a quarter of its users blue?
"Canadians have no need to worry," according to Health and Welfare Canada spokesweasel Remy Depardoh. "Drugs that are authorized to be used in this country have gone through the strictest research regimens to ensure that they are safe, effective and...and...some other vague but reassuring adjective."
When asked what the strict research regimen was, Depardoh responded: "We thoroughly read the American research – especially the recommendations. Primarily the recommendations. But, thoroughly. We read them very thoroughly."
This comes at a time when the oversight of American medical research is coming under increasing...well, criticism might be too strong a word. Skepticism might be closer to the truth. Curiousity – yes, that probably captures it. This comes at a time when the oversight of American medical research is coming under increasing curiousity. Mild curiousity, but curiousity nonetheless, and it is increasing. Mildly.
American medical researchers rely on the use of "double blind" studies. A double blind study is not one in which the researchers are separated from the subjects by two sets of curtains. Nor is it a study in which the researchers have their eyes removed, then have new eyes transplanted into their sockets so that they can be removed a second time.
No, the standard double blind study involves two sets of subjects, one given the drug being tested and the other being given a placebo (from the ancient Sanskrit "plac bo," loosely translated as "ha ha, sucker!"). Neither the subjects nor the doctors carrying out the tests know which group is which, which makes discussion at the lab's Christmas parties quite lively.
All very scientific, to be sure. Critics of American medical research point out, however, that drug companies are not required to publicize the results of their research. For this reason, only studies that appear to promote the positive qualities of a drug are made public; negative results disappear faster than losers at the Super Bowl.
"Nice metaphor," stated Depardoh, defending American medical research because there wasn't enough Canadian medical research to justify his position, even at his salary. "However, poetry doesn't cure diseases, medical research does. And, considering how many gazbrillion dollars drug companies put into medical research, they should be allowed the opportunity to make some money back. The argument's a slam dunk, really."
It's also true, critics of American medical research, ignoring the awkward metaphor, insist, that drug companies aren't required to test for side effects. Once the efficacy of a drug has been proven, it is released into the market where the side effects may only become apparent after years or decades of use.
"Who could have predicted that a performance enhancement drug would turn users blue?" Depardoh defensively asked. "If you can't imagine it, you can't test for it. Besides, it's a lovely shade of blue. More of an aqua, really, or sky blue. Yeah, sky blue. As a skin colour, it's really kind of attractive."
"Attractive? You tryna give me a heart attack over here, or wha?" Burfle exclaimed. "Okay, it puts da blue in blue movies. I gotta give it dat. Udderwise, it's gonna kill small business – absolutely moider us!"
"Okay, maybe attractive was too strong a term –" Depardoh started.
Critics of American medical research cut him off, arguing that studies often bundle effects, allowing drug companies to claim that a drug shown to be effective curing laryngitis also cures male pattern baldness even if the tests for the latter, done at the same time, are inconclusive.
"That's easily explain –" Depardoh responded. "Wait a minute. Who are these critics of American medical research you keep going on about?"
Well, me. I was on a tight deadline, okay? I'm sure that, if I had had time to interview critics of American medical research, though, these are the sorts of things they would have said.
Depardoh snorted derisively, but with a scientific subtext.
We approached several people whose skin had turned blue for quotes for this article, but they were too busy singing...sad songs.