by MAJUMDER SAKRASHUMINDERATHER, Alternate Reality News Service Education Writer
While the economy is sliding deeper into recession, enrolment in the Dice School of Creative Abuse is booming.
"We've had 27 applicants for each student position," enthused Director Roddy "Roderick" McWombat. "We're more popular than...uhh...maybe it's best not to go there..."
The Dice School, named after famed foul-mouthed comedian Andrew Clay, offers majors in telephone abuse and online abuse. "The online option is for students with a literary bent, while the telephone option is more performance-oriented," McWombat explained.
Courses at the Dice School, which grants undergraduate degrees through the New School for Social Research, include: DS101: The History of Abuse; DS111: Inappropriate Abuse (half course); DS202: Introduction to Flaming; DS207: Abuse in Colonial America; DS212: Abuse in Stand-up Comedy; DS227: Sexual Humiliation Workshop; DS302: Intermediate Flaming; DS313: Theoretical Approaches to Abuse I: Profanity; DS314: Theoretical Approaches To Abuse II: Mocking Humour and the Impossibility of Ironic Detachment; DS402: Advanced Flaming; DS418: Abuse in Greek Satyr Plays; DS423: The Rhetoric of Abuse and the Abuse of Rhetoric; DS451: Special Topics in Abuse: The Career of Don Rickles, and, of course, DS501: Practicum.
"We offer a broad range of courses within our subject area," McWombat enthused. "Students often come in with a narrow focus and are surprised to discover just how broad a subject verbal and written abuse is."
Although less than five years old, the Dice School is already one of the most popular programmes at the New School. However, it didn't start out that way. McWombat's first business, Abuse You Can Use, was a telephone hotline for people who were angry about how the economic downturn was affecting them.
"It was a brilliant idea," stated Lucy Maude Zimsun, an operator for Abuse You Can Use and now professor of advanced profanity at the Dice School. "There was so much anger that needed direction. Roddy saw the need and created the hotline to capitalize on it. Within a year, we had over 100 operators standing by, ready to take whatever the abusive public was willing to dish out. Roddy bought a 15 second spot on the Super Bowl pregame show – that's how big we were."
It soon became apparent to McWombat that, although the passion was clearly there, most callers had poor technique. "They just used the same clichéd screeds over and over again," he said. "It was really depressing to realize just how low the standards for verbal abuse had fallen in this country."
In order to deal with this problem, Abuse You Can Use developed remedial abuse courses for its customers. At first, they were offered on a voluntary basis, but, since the quality of abuse didn't substantially rise, McWombat instituted an abuse examination for all of his customers. If you passed the exam, you could use the service; if you failed the exam, you had to take remedial courses until your skills were good enough to pass the exam.
Although popular with Abuse You Can Use operators, the new system was not universally admired. "Forcing us to take courses was bull hockeys," complained wannabe customer Alfred Dreyfby. "I mean, if I'm willing to pay my fucking money, I should be able to take their darn courses! I mean, okay, I may have dropped out of school to pursue a career as a horse dung collector, but that doesn't mean I'm stupid! I'm a great freaking guy! I mean, if I wanna buy the opportunity to abuse somebody, I shouldn't have to take a goddamn aptitude test!"
"This is exactly why the school was so necessary," Professor Zimsun responded. She cited the following problems with Dreyfby's complaint:
"This complaint was a D minus at best," Professor Zimsun concluded. "Isn't it always the ones who complain about going to school who need it the most?"
When the New School got wind of the remedial abuse courses, it approached McWombat to start a school within the institution. McWombat approached a number of comedians ("Two is a number, isn't it?"), and when Andrew Dice Clay replied, "Sure, I'll kick in fifty bucks. What the fuck," the deal was sealed.
"Our graduates have gone on to become successful right wing talk show hosts, lobbyists, Senators and grief counselors," McWombat stated. "And, next year? We're opening a fucking graduate school!"