by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Former President Barack Obama has been arrested on charges of conspiracy to commit war crimes. President Rush Limbaugh has also ordered the arrest of former Vice President Joe Biden, former Attorney General Eric Holder and 27 other members of the previous administration.
"Our duty, under both international law and our own statutes, is clear," President Limbaugh solemnly explained. "When somebody has committed a war crime, whether it's a lowly janitor or a lowly President, he must be tried in a court of law. And, make no mistake, torture is a war crime."
Pumping his fist in the air, President Limbaugh added: "Woot! Woot! Woot!"
Nehria Gershmenian, Obama's attorney, called the charges outrageous. "When he first took office," Gershmenian told the press, "President Obama made it clear that he would not condone torture, and there is no evidence that any prisoner of war was tortured while he was in office. There is no basis for these charges."
Taking a deep, calming breath, Gershmenian added: "Oh, and I think taking a victory lap around the Oval Office because you have had your predecessor arrested is in poor taste."
"Oh, get over yourself, Missy," President Limbaugh...well, he brayed. There was definite high-pitched nasality in his voice. "I'm not saying Obama personally tortured anybody – Sean [Hannity] and Glenn [Beck] are all over that allegation.
"What I'm saying is that Obama and his socialist lackeys knew that members of the Bush administration had ordered torture – hell, Bush and Cheney went on television and boasted about it! Failing to prosecute a war crime such as torture is itself a war crime. So...there you go."
President Limbaugh closed his eyes and rocked back and forth, a grin spreading on his face, pictures of which should probably be illegal to show to children.
"Don't call me Missy," Gershmenian hotly retorted. "I'm not Baby, Sweetie, Toots or Your Loving Little Soap Bubble, either. Can we please keep this on a professional basis?"
Balling her fists, Gershmenian added, "Oh, and, how can you prosecute Obama when nobody in the Bush administration was prosecuted for war crimes? Where is the underlying crime that Obama is alleged to be complicit in?"
"Statute of limitations, baby," President Limbaugh laughed. (Press Secretary Ann Coulter pointed out later that day that President Limbaugh was not calling Gershmenian "Baby," that the word he used was a generic mildly sarcastic endearment – you could tell because it wasn't capitalized.) "It ran out before we could bring anyone from the Bush administration to trial. And, ain't that just a friggin' shame and a half?"
President Limbaugh bent over forwards, grabbed his knees and...farted in the general direction of Gershmenian's office. Then, adjusting his tie so he wouldn't look unpresidential, he added: "Don't worry, though. There'll be plenty of evidence of Bush era war crimes at Obama's trial. It's not like there wasn't tons of it when Obama was in office, My Little Soap Bubble!"
"Okay, that was way out of line!" Gershmenian gasped. "Did it have to be so smelly?"
"I still got it!" President Limbaugh crowed. "I can still piss off Liberals!"
"If I may just interject on a scholarly note, here," presidential historian Doris Kearns Goodwin interrupted, "President Limbaugh's actions are not without historical precedent. Abraham Lincoln was known to place the business end of his top hat over his derriere and dance a jig whenever he learned something bad had happened to his enemies. Teddy Roosevelt perfected a rude gesture that involved his nose, his pinky finger and a tin of pickled smelts."
When asked about the more serious issue of the charges against Obama administration officials, Kearns Goodwin replied, "What do I look like, a lawyer?"
"I look like a lawyer, so why don't I take this one?" criminal lawyer Allan Manischewitz smoothly commented. "The problem with not prosecuting somebody for war crimes is that it can become infinitely regressive. If Obama doesn't prosecute Bush, Limbaugh prosecutes Obama. If Limbaugh doesn't prosecute Obama, he leaves himself open to charges of not prosecuting war crimes by the president who comes after him. If the next president doesn't prosecute Limbaugh, he risks getting charged by his successor, and so on. It's a daisy chain from hell. Better that Limbaugh nipped it in the bud. So to speak."
Signing his name in the air for no apparent reason, Manischewitz added: "Oh, and my name is Dershowitz. The mild pun on my name was kind of sophomoric, don't you think?"
We were going to ask President Limbaugh if fear of being prosecuted by his successor was his motivation for bringing the charges against Obama, but he was busy mooning the Senate minority leader's office and we thought it best not to disturb him while carrying out the duties of his office.