Thank you, "Carnivore" Kelly, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Carnivore, eh? Well, we agreed to become vegetarians IF we could kill our own non-meat foods. And, you know what? We couldn't do it. We imagined the keening of the carrots, the moaning of the mangos, the tearful terror of the rutabagas. We still have nightmares about the rutabagas. So...how do you like your steak done?
Enjoy, The Daily Me StaffWould You Like A PhD With Your Burger?
INT. INSURANCE ADMINISTRATION OFFICE - DAY
ADMINISTRATOR sits behind the desk in an incredibly posh office. APPLICANT nervously sits opposite him.
ADMINISTRATOR: Okay, Mister Szigismondi. We've looked over your application, the interview transcripts and, of course, your blood samples, and we would like to offer you a job as a senior accountant at the Blue Cigaetna Insurance Company.
APPLICANT: (relieved) Great!
ADMINISTRATOR: There's just one thing...
APPLICANT: (not so much any more) Umm...what's that...?
ADMINISTRATOR: Would you have any objection to be being called Doctor Szigismondi?
APPLICANT: I'm a...an accountant, you know. Not a doctor.
ADMINISTRATOR: Oh, we're well aware of that.
APPLICANT: I don't have a PhD, either - just an MBA.
ADMINISTRATOR: But, you have seen a doctor at some time in your life, no?
APPLICANT: I suppose.
ADMINISTRATOR: Well, there you are, then!
PAUSE.
APPLICANT: Why...do you want to call me doctor?
ADMINISTRATOR: Well, as you may know, the government has decided that we have to spend a certain percentage of our revenue on...actual customer health. It's a crazy government intrusion on the workings of private companies, but there it is. We could have just spent more of our money on - oh, I don't know - tongue depressors or some shit like that, I suppose, but that would have cut into our profits, which is not good for our shareholders' health. So, we decided to redesignate all of our employees as health care workers. There's Doctor Bob in shipping...Doctor Molly serving food in the cafeteria...Doctor Ed will be your boss in accounting. And, of course, I'm now a Doctor, too, and I only had a grade 10 education!
APPLICANT: Is that...right?
ADMINISTRATOR: Absolutely, and I have no diploma to prove it!
APPLICANT: I meant the policy. Is that right?
ADMINISTRATOR: (shrugs) We could all get honourary doctorates at some point in the future. We're just being proactive about it!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227249]
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I'll Be Happy To Get Out The Hockey Sticks If You'll Bring Your Net...
Where is the Roman Catholic Church in handling the fact that many of its Priests have physically molested children?
nothing bad happened yesterday nothing bad happened last year nothing bad happened last decade something bad happened two decades or more ago, but it was an isolated case several bad things happened two decades or more ago, but we have dealt with it look, all institutions serving youth experience bad things at about the same rate, so why are you singling us out? we are very, very sorry about the bad things that happened two decades agoSOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=528&dir=bb]
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Now, If You'll Just Get Past Your Need To Blog About It, You'll Be Getting Somewhere
MONDAY: So, I was reading about Sarah Palin going to a rally to support John McCain and, even though she spouted the usual right wing weirdness, I didn't feel the need to write an angry letter to the newspaper dismantling her rhetoric. What a breakthrough! I feel so...free! I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon not writing angry letters to the editor about Sarah Palin! And, tomorrow...well, maybe I should take it one day at a time...
TUESDAY: I just got a cashbox! Don't I feel all businessy and shit. Now, all I need is some cash to put in it...
WEDNESDAY: Are new laws governing the financial sector an attempt at a taming of the shrewd?
THURSDAY: After his address was posted on Facebook, an anti-health reform activist severed the gas line at the home of Democratic Representative Tom Perriello. Only, it wasn't Perriello's home; the idiots got the address wrong and actually attacked his brother's home. I don't know whether to be relieved by their incompetence, or scared more.
FRIDAY: "What's her secret? [Sandra] Bullock is happily married to motorcycle enthusiast Jesse James, for one..." Oops. I'll bet somebody at Tribute magazine was fired for that one.
SATURDAY: Okay, maybe suggesting Betty White meet The Undertaker at next year's Wrestlemania wasn't a very subtle way of saying that wrestling matches were fixed. But, in my own defense, she has been making something of a comeback lately...
SUNDAY: Hmm. Somebody studying paintings of the Last Supper over hundreds of years has noticed that the portions of food on the plate in front of Christ got bigger over time. Good news! Prosperity theology works!
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
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They Sound Like My Elderly Uncle (The One Everybody Stays Away From At Family Gatherings)
People are having a hard time differentiating between Stephen Harper's Conservatives and Michael Ignatieff's Liberals, but I don't think it's that difficult. Conservatives want to kiss the ass of the American government; Liberals just want to fondle it for a while.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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It's Subtle, But If You Pay Close Attention...
"I would like to apologize for my personal behaviour in recent months. I let down my fans. I let down my family. I let down my wife. But, most of all, I let down myself. I got caught up in a cycle of addiction and deprivation slot machine ex deus whenever I calibrated the exhalation potential of slovenly antipodes. But, uhh, I have been in rehab and...I...I have done a lot of...thank you."
Can you see the point in Tiger Wood's public statement that Ari Fleischer stopped giving him advice on how to rehabilitate his reputation?
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56930103665]
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