The Daily Me - Dov Bear Smirnoff

Thank you, Dov Bear Smirnoff, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we glanced at a study that said that children who grew up in homes with lots of books were more likely to be smart than children who didn't. And, we wondered: does that include comic books? Does that include romance novels? Does that include books that have had a hole carved out of them in order to conceal drugs, a gun or any other illicit object? Does that include false covers that look like books when displayed on shelves but are actually empty? How about bookshelf wallpaper? Ordinarily, we wouldn't care about such things, but, god forbid, some day we may be parents, and we don't want to be portrayed as not caring about our little brats' intellectual growth in their memoirs!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Have Abortions (Because We Need More Bortions)!

CONSERVATIVES: We are going to give millions of dollars to international organizations focusing on women's health, as long as the money is not spent on abortion.

LANCET: Over 70,000 women die every year from botched abortions.

CONSERVATIVES: Sorry, can't hear you.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD: Abortion is an important part of family planning.

CONSERVATIVES: La la la. We can't hear you!

CANADIAN WOMEN'S RIGHTS GROUPS: Abortion is a women's health issue!

CONSERVATIVES: La la la. We can't hear you! ...But, if we could, you would be jeopardizing your funding by saying things like that!

CANADIAN INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT AGENCY: Several actions must be taken to achieve the government's ambition goal of lowering maternal death rates worldwide, including safe abortion services.

CONSERVATIVES: TURN THAT MUSIC UP, DJ! WE CAN STILL HEAR SOMEBODY BABBLING IN THE BACKGROUND!

RELIGIOUS RIGHT: Abortion is immoral.

CONSERVATIVES: We hear, and we obey.

SOURCE: Womyn's e-Vents

[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1073]
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This Is The Real Death Of Comedy

NBC has decided not to pursue a remake of the hit 1970s series All in the Family after it received a stern letter of opposition from the Jewish Defense League, a petition against the show with over 10,000 names on it from the Catholic Anti-defamation League, dozens of emails from members of Asians United Against Discrimination, a media campaign against the show sponsored by Muslims Are People Too, You Know and actions from over a dozen other organizations representing ethnic minorities.

Looking at all the groups lined up against it, the American Civil Liberties Union said, "You're on your own!" and promptly vanished.

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/05/21/sensitivearentwe/]
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The Political Position So Twisted You Won't Find It In The Kama Sutra

The Gay Pride Parade has told the group Queers Against Israeli Apartheid that they will allow it to march, but only under certain conditions: Pride Parade organizers don't ask what the name of the organization is and QuAIA members don't tell anybody what the name of the organization is. Hmmm...where have I heard that before?

Pride Parade organizers don't ask what the name of the organization is and QuAIA members don't tell anybody what the name of the organization is.

Oh...right...

SOURCE: aye Weakly

[http://www.aye.net/]
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So, Who's Telling You To Think Of Them?

Eleven things you would probably be happier not thinking about:

1. What the world would be like if Monty Python's Flying Circus had decided not to perform the "Spam" sketch
2. The square of the hypotenuse in an eleven dimensional triangle
3. Where the ground beef that you just cooked on your barbecue came from
4. What Rush Limbaugh really thinks of listeners like you
5. What happens to you after you die
6. Why Stephen Hawking gets more action than you do (and, we're not talking about a posting at the Perimeter Institute!)
7. How you were conceived (even if it didn't involve men in lab coats and syringes - especially if it didn't involve men in lab coats and syringes)
8. Where what you have been told is ground beef in the fast food burger you just ate actually came from
9. The fact that Better Off Ted was canceled while Two and Half Men was renewed for a sixth season...a sixth season!
10. What your family is going to do with their inheritance after you die
11. How to declaw a sperm whale

SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists

[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2010/May/Just_You_Try_Not_To_Think_About_It.asp]
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Child Friendly Bird Flipping

The House of Commons ethics committee was surprised yesterday when, instead of the witness that it had called, Prime Minister Stephen Harper's director of communications, Dmitri Soudas, Mickey Mouse appeared.

"It is well within the government's right," explained Conservative House Leader Jay Hill, "to make monkeys of the opposition and stonewall the release of any information the government doesn't want anybody to know about. Seriously. It's in our constitutional tradition. Look it up! Cromwell v. Didgeridoo!"

The opposition parties floundered about ineffectually, as they usually do in these situations. The strongest opposition came from Walt Disney Corporation, which threatened the Conservative Party with a copyright infringement lawsuit if it didn't immediately cease and desist from using Disney's characters without permission to score cheap political points.

A chastened Hill later told reporters, "Ah, yes. Well, umm, we may have to rethink that a bit. It was fun while it lasted, though..."

SOURCE: The Irrational

[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2010/05/23/mmparliament100523]
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Reading Between The Lines

"I'm as devastated as you are by what I've seen here today... We are going to do everything in our power to prevent any more oil from coming ashore and we will clean every last drop up and we will remediate all of the environmental damage...We have worked collaboratively and cooperatively with all of the federal agencies... We're here for as long as it takes." - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward, looking at the damage his oil spill has started to do to Fourchon Beach, Louisiana

SOURCE: Economics for Dummies

[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=531&dir=bb]
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