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The Daily Me Staff
Take A Pill! It's Not Like Somebody BPed In Your Corn Flakes!
People have been asking us, BP, if you're so concerned about the environment, why are you using thugs to keep photojournalists away from Louisiana beaches where wildlife that has been killed by the Deepwater Horizon oil disaster is washing up on shore? Good question. Fair question. I hope you will give my response the courtesy of a fair hearing.
BP is keeping photojournalists - for whom we have the utmost respect, by the by - away because the images are too horrific. They would make the public numb to the destruction of the environment, and that's not the way they need to be if we're to face the challenges of cleaning up the environment in the 21st century. So, you see, we're doing it...for the children.
Well, and CEO Tony Hayward. He's a sensitive soul, you see, who cries whenever he contemplates releasing such terrible, terrible images to the public. Only a heartless bastard wouldn't feel his pain.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106031800227760.xml]
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Political Intimidation Begins In The Home
INT. NIGHT - DARKENED ROOM
It is too dark to make out much. A shaft of light from a window falls on a POLICEM AN in full riot gear.
POLICEMAN: Okay, look, I know you're planning on doing something naughty. I wasn't born yesterday - all the signs are there. I've been assigned to duty at the G20, and I don't want any trouble on my watch. Understand?
PAUSE.
POLICEMAN: So, that's the way you want to play it, is it? You know, I'm just here to deliver a message - I didn't have to do that. I could have let events unfold as they would. And, it would have gone a lot harder for you if I had, you know. A lot harder! Why don't you be a good kid and cooperate, okay?
SOUND: baby gurgles.
POLICEMAN: Is that all you have to say for yourself? I know you're going to do something...gross. Something terrible. Something -
SOUND: click.
The lights go up on a nursery. The Policeman is talking to a cradle. WIFE stands in the doorway of the room.
WIFE: Honey, I know you need to practice intimidating possible protestors before the G20. But, I assure you, any naughtiness Timmy will get into is something I can handle. He's only three months old!
Policeman hesitates, then, shaking his fist menacingly, turns towards the door.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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A Candidate Who Ayn't Foolin' Around
Kentucky Republican Senate candidate Rand Paul has asserted that the public and the media are being too harsh with British Petroleum, pointing out that accidents happen. He did admit, however, that had it been the Obama administration that owned and ran the Deepwater Horizons oil rig, he would have called the incident a regrettable and foreseeable tragedy that only underlined the incompetence of government to run anything.
When asked how he justified this position, he said, as if it should be obvious, "Because it's the government."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2010Jun4.html]
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Go Rent The Wrong Box
Rue McClanahan has died at the age of 76. So, against the odds, Betty White has won the Golden Girls tontine.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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He Was Just Trying To Speak To The Tea Party In Its Own Language
South Carolina State Senator Jake Knotts, in support of a candidate for the Republican nomination for Governor, said of the man's Sikh born, Tea Party supported opponent Nikki Haley, "We've got a raghead in Washington, we don't need a raghead in the state house." He later said he had meant the line as a joke.
"Okay, if that's the way the game is played," President Obama responded, "South Carolina doesn't need a racist cracker in the state house, either." After a long pause, the President added: "...Why...isn't anybody laughing?"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010May28.html]
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Don't Blame Me: I Slept Through The Writing Of This Headline!
Tomas de Torquemada has given a novel defence for his time as the leader of the Inquisition: he was sleeping.
"Umm, yes, well," de Torquemada stated at his trial, "people have had some success claiming that they committed rapes and murders while asleep. I'm just taking this defense to a whole new level."
While some psychologists scoff at the idea of "Sleep Terrorizing," pointing out that nobody sleeps for 15 years, others find the defense plausible. Eerily plausible.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32328649514641387687fx]
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If It Didn't End With A Non-sequitur, It Wouldn't Be Funny!
Have you wondered why, when you use the term "oil spill" in a Google search, you get advertisements for British Petroleum? That is because the company has bought the sponsored links for that term.
Not taking any chances, British Petroleum has also bought sponsored links for the terms: castor oil; peanut oil; olive oil; Olive Oyl; Oil of Olay; Oil of Oy Vey; oil and vinegar dressing; like oil and water; oil drill; oil swill; oil, take a pill; why oil oughta; oil be back; damn oil; goddam oil; [EXPLETIVE DELETED] oil; [EXPLETIVES DELETED] oil, and; monkey piss.
SOURCE: Computers Byte Magazine
[[http://www.computersbyte.com/s=8269/compsbyt1234567690321/]]
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Where Can I Vote For The Sexed Up Alcoholic Dope Fiends In Ottawa?
The latest Ipso-Reid poll resorts to loaded questions to get the pro-private funding for health care results that its conservative sponsors want. Take Question 7, for example: "Should politicians be allowed to spend money earmarked for health care on alcohol, prostitutes and drugs, or would Canadians be better off if they were allowed to spend their health care dollars as they saw fit?" Is that really the choice: proper health care spending or sexed up alcoholic dope fiends in Ottawa?
Or, what about Question 13: "Would you rather have doctors who poisoned children in their sleep, or user fees for hospitals?" What human being in the right mind would support doctors who poison children? It's amazing, given the way the question was framed, that over 40% of respondents rejected hospital user fees!
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591031813&call_pageid=
968389278492&col=968274972154]
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