Thank you, Kid Garten, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, one visitor to Toronto for the G20 summit who shall remain nameless - he knows who he is and, anyway, we have something special planned for him...something very special, indeed - said he was happy that Torontonians were fleeing the downtown core because that meant he would get a good seat at the bar to watch World Cup soccer. Fleeing? Not allowed in? You say tomato, we say police state. But, geez, fella, are you really so hard up for a date on Saturday night that you need another country to spend over a billion dollars to help you get a seat close to the bar?
Enjoy,That BP Sure Is...A...Snappy Dresser, Isn't It?
BP executives have said they will stop dividend payments worth approximately $10 billion if the US government will just say nice things about them in public. You know: that BP has a dazzling smile, or always tells the funniest jokes, or is a really good euchre player. If the US doesn't play ball, I suppose BP's next move is to...unleash Guardian letter writers at us!
Why is anybody surprised that British Petroleum executives have been so tone deaf during the Gulf oil spill crisis? Their idea of good public relations is not giving in to their urge to flip Americans the bird as they fly from one oil rig to another!
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Way To Trivialize Pizza!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1276993268]
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Maybe Tomorrow We'll See A Better Dey
Veteran corporate director Peter Dey says that the balance of power between shareholders and boards of directors has changed - for the worse.
"Shareholders should not have a say in things like executive compensation," Dey stated. "They do not have the specialized knowledge that directors have. Shareholders generally don't sit on interlocking boards, so their view of the company is limited. Not only that, but they don't usually discuss corporate business with executives at country clubs - they're exclusive, right?
How can shareholders make informed decisions about compensation with such limited information sources?"
SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker
[http://www.wwdw.com/content/1&ID=%25%22%2DT%2FRE%2C%20%0A&type=a&mr=332&CFID=723762&CFTOKIN=18053715]
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Greene Behind The Ears, Green Around The Gills
This Political Message Has Not Been Approved By Anybody
He is a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a boot to the head of the South Carolina Democratic Party establishment.He is not a jazz musician.
He is a boot to the head of the South Carolina Democratic Party establishment wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery.SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/519.html]
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THE CONCLUSION I DREW: You're Unforgivably Crass For Caring About It At All
THE DEVOLUTION OF A CULTURAL SCANDAL:
STEP ONE: New York Times Magazine reporter Lynn Hirschberg profile of M.I.A. includes the line: "'I kind of want to be an outsider,' she said, eating a truffle-flavoured French fry. THE CONCLUSION YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW: M.I.A. is an unforgivable poseur.
STEP TWO: It turns out that the French fry came off of Hirschberg's plate. THE CONCLUSION YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW: the reporter is an unforgivable poseur who creates controversy where there isn't any.
STEP THREE: A food critic (Richard Sietsema of the Village Voice) declares truffle-flavoured French fries gauche. THE CONCLUSION YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DRAW: M.I.A. and Hirschberg are both unforgivably tasteless poseurs.
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=528&dir=bb]
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Master Fung Would be Proud
The Conservative government has tabled new copyright legislation and, to everybody's surprise, it has come out somewhat zen. On the one hand, individuals will be given greater rights to copy material, including for personal use and parody or satire. On the other hand, interfering with digital locks, behind which most copyrighted material is expected to disappear, will result in substantial penalties. So, what good is a right if there is no practical way for you to exercise it?
Well, exactly.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100612.eladvote0612_@/BNStory/newsCopywrong2010/]
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HINT: His Pursuit To Become A Multi-millionaire Was Not Trivial
Chris Haney has died at the age of 59. For a pink piece of the pie: what was he best known for?
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Batting Practice - Foot In Mouth Perfection
Not wanting to be confused with a certain out of favour energy corporation, the Brevard County Manatees baseball team decided to change the name of batting practice; it will now be called "hitting rehearsal."
Except that the initials of the new term, HR, reminds people of the part of a company that denies them emergency leave when they've lost six fingers to frostbite in the desert and fires them if they use the lack of fingers as an excuse to no longer be able to input data. Discretion being the better part of stupidity, the manatees will now call it "what we do before the game to ensure that we are ready to take the field."
"I'm going to do a little WWDBTGTETWARTTTF," doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. But, at least nobody is going to confuse it for a hated acronym!
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56238773635]
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"Gate"...Uhh...Something Not Gate
I understand that people want to highlight how much of a scandal it is that the Conservative government is spending over a million dollars to build a fake lake for the G20 summit. Still, do we have to call it "Harpergate" or "Water-gate?" The term "-gate" as a suffix for a scandal is distinctly American - surely we have our own, made in Canada term for a scandal.
We could call it Lake...umm...we could use as the basis the famous Canadian political scandal from the...uhh...you know - you know the one I mean. How about the Pacific Scandal? We could use that to call the current scandal...umm...HarperPacificScan -
Shit, we're in trouble.
SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?
[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=271472274-7/]
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