Thank you, Agamemnon Apostolides, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we walked past a woman who reminded us of an old flame, and realized that we hadn't made fun of an old girlfriend since 1973 (see: the introduction to The Daily Me - Starshine "Knuckles" Pootenda). Of course, the last time ended in black eyes all around, so we decided to not follow through on the impulse this time.
Enjoy,Mitch Your Wagon To A Star
2 crazy 2 be true) Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell, who is looking more and more like Verne, the mildewy turtle from the comic strip Over the Hedge all the time (but without Verne's insouciant charisma), claims the Republicans would be delighted to vote for a small business lending bill, but they won't because it is actually the Democrats who are blocking their amendments. Which amendments would those be?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Hollywood: The Town Where Creativity Goes To Die While Getting Liposuction
Disney Studios has announced that it will be starting production on a remake of the film Cats and Dogs and Ted and Alice. The original starred Steve Martin as the father who is unaware that the family pets are actually ancient sorcerers at war with each other; the remake is set to star Steve Carrell as the father who is unaware that the family pets are actually ancient sorcerers at war with each other. The unusual thing about the remake is that the original movie hasn't finished shooting yet.
"Zach Gallifraidis' vision for Cats and Dogs and Ted and Alice was perfect for its time," Todd Burton, the director of the remake, said of the director of the original, "but I would like to take the film in a different direction. Shake things up. Do something...fresh with the concept. Zach's film is sooooo last year!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/07/01/changingtheproductionrecycle/]
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All Is Forgiven (When It Doesn't Sound Like Oll Is Fohgiven)
BEFORE: British Petroleum cut corners on safety resulting in the deaths of 11 of its employees on the Deepwater Horizon oil rig and an oil spill that lasted months. It used a toxic dispersant not recommended by the government to make the spill look less widespread and harmful than it actually was. It bullied photographers to keep them from taking photos of dead and dying wildlife. It threatened to fire clean-up workers who appeared on beaches with their own health equipment, because that would employ that the oil was hazardous, and they didn't want the public thinking that. It has been offering research contracts to universities in the area, with the proviso that they not publish any results for three years, stifling independent inquiry. It has been accused of not making the fullest efforts to end the spill because an accurate estimate of how much oil spilled would become possible, and it will be fined by the barrel.
AFTER: What? The new chief executive has an American accent? Well, that's okay, then.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=39ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a417]
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Filmmaking For [CENSORED]
Dinner for Schmucks. Okay, the people who produced this movie have to know that "schmuck" is the Yiddish word for "penis." So, they called the movie Dinner for Penises, or maybe Dinner for Penisheads. Cool. Mildly naughty, mildly transgressive. My problem is: what does it say about a comedy that the most transgressive thing about it is its title?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0089461/]
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Bill? The Renaissance Called - They Want Their Perspective Back
So, let's put the WikiLeaks publication of 92,000 military documents about the Afghan War into perspective. My perspective. First, okay? First thing is that there was nothing new in the leaks. Who didn't know that Pakistan was aiding the Taliban? Sure, you may not have heard it from me, but I knew it. I did know it. I just wasn't saying. Second, anybody who was responsible for the leaks is a traitor who should be given a full trial before he is hung. Do we - we don't hang people anymore? Executed. Whatever. There are no contradictions between these two positions. And, I don't mean that in the Buddhist sense - this is a Christian nation, after all. I simply mean I see no contradiction, therefore there are no contradictions.
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2473,12307,00.html]
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I'll Never Forgive Him For Dying Before I Had The Opportunity To Work With Him!
Canadian acting legend Maury Chaykin has died at the age of 61. On his deathbed, he played with a watch fob, played with spilled salt on the table in front of him and, of course, folded a piece of paper until it practically disappeared. He was quite a character.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Not The Adjective Most people Would Choose To Describe Tony Hayward
Oilblivious (adjective): the lack of awareness of one's social surroundings that is unique to successful energy extraction company executives. EXAMPLE: "Did Tony Hayward really say, 'I became a villain for doing the right thing?' Man, is he oilblivious or what?"
SOURCE: The Dust Devil's Dictionary
[http://www.thedustdevilsdictionary.com/?O]
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Even When The Economy Tanks, The Republicans Know Of At Least One Growth Industry
In a speech to the American Enterprise Institute this afternoon, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich warned that if the United States didn't pass a law against it, Sharia law would be imposed on the nation. I can only applaud his stand: it takes a brave man to oppose something nobody is actually proposing.
Ooh, hate, you bottomless well for political bottom-feeders! What would the Republican Party run on if not for hate?
Anybody want…more tax cuts?
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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