Thank you, Kasia Smutniak, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we realized that our youth was slipping away from us, slipping away from us without our even noticing, slipping away from us faster than we could possibly notice, slipping away from us like a dream slips away from you when you wake up. So, we decided to skip out of work early and go home and have a Dora the Explorer marathon. Man, that turned out to be just another afternoon that slipped away from us, slipped away from us without our even noticing, slipped away from us faster than - you get the idea!
Enjoy,Quality Control? Can't Say That I Recall...
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1976774038]
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The province of Ontario has given the green light to Mixed Martial Arts. I would have no problem with allowing the fighting if they would just call it what it really is: Two Men Beating Each Other To Bloody Pulps For The Entertainment Of An Audience That Has Become Desensitized To The Suffering Of Others. Some backers of the "sport" might be concerned that such a name would make people less interested in it.
I worry that such a name would make people more interested in it.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2010/08/27/503320.html]
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Twilight Zone Military Preparedness
Prime Minister Stephen Harper's Communications Director Dimitri Soudas was embarrassed by the email he sent out about the danger of Russian bombers in the Arctic when NORAD officials pointed out that the Russian planes were on routine exercises and that they had handled themselves in a professional manner. However, Soudas' embarrassment was short-lived.
"The Russian planes I was referring to," he stated in a follow-up email, "had actually been sent forward in time from 1965. Their pilots didn't know that the Cold War had ended...[and] their flying was very aggressive in nature. Suck on that, NORAD!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20100826.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsTrueNorthWrongAndTwee2010/]
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That Legislation You're Referring To? I Don't Seem To Recall...
Six months after winning the election and four months after passing recall legislation in City Council, Toronto Mayor Rocco Rossi is the first Metro politician to be the subject of a recall petition.
"Oh," Rossi said. "Umm...ahh. I didn't see that one coming!"
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Big Bucks In Lennon's John
A toilet that once belonged to John Lennon has been sold at auction for approximately $15,000. The toilet had come complete with its original stains - could they have been made by the late singer?
"We couldn't possibly know without a DNA sample from Lennon's corpse," a representative of the auction house Rotheby's stated. "But, while his widow Yoko Ono has been very patient and helpful with us, she has made it clear that there are limits to her cooperation!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/08/29/toilethumour/]
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SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=697&dir=bb]
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Odds Are 7 To 5 Against It Being Built
The proposed Mason Dixon Resort and Casino in historic Gettysburg is now taking bets on who won the Civil War. Although the smart money is still on the North, heavy betting from southern states has brought the odds down considerably in the last decade.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#52258174265]
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The Cheney Defense Will Be All The Rage For Drug Dealers In 2011
Attorney General Eric Holder has decided not to pursue charges of lying to Congress against former baseball pitcher Roger Clemens. In referring to the underlying charge, Clemens, acting in his own defense, said that he took steroids in the early 2000s under the orders of then-Vice President Dick Cheney.
"President Obama has made it clear that his administration will not be second-guessing the policy decisions made by the previous administration," Holder stated.
"Phew!" Clemens responded.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2010Aug31.html]
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Who Do I Have To Sleep With To Get Fired Around Here?
INT. JOHN BOEHNER'S OFFICE - DEAD OF NIGHT
BOEHNER, sitting at his desk, is talking to ALAN SIMPSON, sitting opposite.
BOEHNER: Alan, thanks for coming. How you doing?
SIMPSON: Well, to be honest -
BOEHNER: Enough of the small talk. You were appointed co-chair of the President's Deficit Reduction Commission. Your job was to find a way to get fired and throw the whole thing into chaos. Yet, you're still there. Why?
SIMPSON: I've been trying to get fired, John. Really, I have. I've said some of the most outrageous things -
BOEHNER: Like what?
SIMPSON: Like that we're trying to take care of the "lesser people" in society. I thought that was a good dig - insulting the people the Democrats traditionally want to help. Nothing.
BOEHNER: Is that all you got?
SIMPSON: Aw, hell, no. I was just getting warmed up. I said that Social Security had become a milk cow with 310 million tits. I was sure that would be offensive to liberals. Hell, I thought it would be offensive to cows! Don't ask me why I'm still on the Commission after that!
BOEHNER: Anything else?
SIMPSON: Oh, sure. Just the other day, I was talking about not extending benefits to Vietnam veterans who might have been made sick by exposure to Agent Orange. I said that the irony is that the veterans who saved this country are now, in a way, not helping us to save the country in this fiscal mess. Veterans! Forget offending liberals - I'm up to offending conservatives. And, still I can't get fired!
BOEHNER: Mmm. I would have fired your sorry ass for that. Do you think...do you think the President is on to us?
SIMPSON: Don't know. Don't care. The next group I'm going to go after is children on Food Stamps. If that doesn't get the President mad enough to fire me, he's got no heart. I tell you, the man has no heart!!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227352]
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