Thank you, Sunday Goularte, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, all hell broke loose. Gremlins got into the computer system and randomly erased files. Evil pixies got into the coffeemaker - oh, that we hadst never tasted the foul brew that resulteth! A goblin perched atop the photocopier and spit toner at random passersby. A dark elf took control of the PA system and all of the messages thereafter either had key words missing or sounded like strings of obscenity punctuated by ear-splitting feedback. Beelzebub himself took over the office of the CEO and sent out incomprehensible memos in corporate jargon that nobody could decipher, the majority of which were marked URGENT. As it happened, nobody noticed anything different about the office until close to the end of the day, when we realized that no effort had been made to mask the sulfurous smell that ordinarily offended our senses with a weak pine scent. However, by then we all had our coats on, so we decided to let the night shift deal with it.
Enjoy,Time Is On Their Being Pushed Aside
Iraq has finally completed its first democratic election not marred by sectarian violence. "It is a great accomplishment for our country," said Prime Minister Grrr'twump Entfizzle. "I am proud, today, to be an Iraqi."
"This is a great moment for Iraq," American Ambassador Glip'vetch Jones commented. "Although so much time has passed humanity has evolved into beings of pure thought, this surely proves that the American invasion of the country was the right -"
Then, the sun went supernova and engulfed half the solar system in flames.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32320641312271316687fx]
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Like +@(# He Will!
Comedian Robert Schimmel has died at the age of 60. He will be remembered for his genteel comedic stylings and sensitivity to the finer sensibilities of his audience.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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First Theatres In New York, Now Theatres In Toronto - Can't This City Do ANYTHING Original?
A moviegoer has complained that she was bitten by bedbugs at the Scotiabank theatre in downtown Toronto.
"If there were bedbugs, they weren't there for...you know...people's blood," said Pat Marshall, Vice President of Communications for Cineplex Entertainment. "They were there to see a double bill of Sleeper and What Dreams May Come. We have arranged for a special screening this Wednesday, and we expect that that will satisfy them."
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2010/08/31/505523.html]
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And, There I Go, Not Taking Responsibility For My Failings Again
Israelis and Palestinians are sitting down to talk peace. Again. I'd like to believe that something will come of these talks, really, I would. But, you know what they say: fool me once, shame on me. Fool me 37 times, shame on my psychiatrist!
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1474851320225]
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When Life Gives You Lehmans, Make Lehman Aid
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Police State And Main
Of the 1,027 people arrested when police apprehended everybody in the block bounded by Wilmington and Bathurst and Finch and Sheppard and held for 12 to 24 hours, over 700 were immediately released and almost all of the rest had charges against them dropped. The result? Three people have been found guilty of weapons violations and one of illegal llama importation.
"The action was a great success," said Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair. "We've been looking for that llama importer for years!"
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2005/01/22/509727.html]
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The Country That Starred In Memento
The United States now is in a shockingly deteriorated condition. It is debt-ridden, hobbled by grievous failings in honesty of government, integrity of the justice system, competitiveness of the education system, anomalies in immigration policy, insupportable health-care costs and an economic policy that has been an epochal failure.
And, all of that has occurred just since January 20, 2009!
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b9e1-4c18-bf8b-07b657cc24ec]
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What Are The Chances American Tolerance Will Win The Day? Muslim To None
"Muslims should not be allowed to build a Mosque on the site of 9/11. It's insensitive to the feelings of the survivors and the families of the victims."
"It isn't a Mosque - it's a community centre."
"Well, whatever it is, it shouldn't be built on the site of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Centre.
"It isn't being built on the site of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Centre - it's two block away."
"Well, wherever it is, it still shouldn't be built within sight of the remains of the Twin Towers. That's insensitive to the feelings of the survivors and the families of the victims."
"It isn't - you cannot see it from the Twin Towers site."
"That may be true, but it shouldn't be allowed because that's insensitive to the feelings of the survivors and the families of the victims.
"Why do I get the feeling that you're saying this because you're prejudiced against Muslims?"
"Oh, you're just being too sensitive!"
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Short And Sour
The American: uglySOURCE: Five Second Movie Reviews
[http://www.5secmovrev.com/NOW.htm]
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When Do We Get To Total The Costs Of The Free Market?
Quebecor's attempt to establish a far right news network in Canada ran into a snag when the CRTC denied it a Tier 1 licence, which would have meant every cable company would have to carry it as part of their basic service. The company immediately went back to the CRTC asking for a Tier 2 licence, which is common enough, but with an unprecedented "must offer" rider, which would force cable companies to offer it in bundles with other networks.
"We need the special treatment," Kory Teneycke, the former Harper Director of Communications who has been chosen to head the network, argued, "because Canada needs a strong free market voice."
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/mulder-scully1.html]
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