The Daily Me - Jacquard "The Loom" Loomingsworth

Thank you, Jacquard "The Loom" Loomingsworth, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, try to follow us on this one. According to a new study, voting for the winning candidate in an election makes men want to watch pornography. Spermine, a potent organic compound that was first detected in human sperm, is a robust anti-oxidant that can soften your skin. The conclusion is obvious (to us): the best time to go to a spa for a facial is right after an election!

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

You Vote For A Ford, You Get An Edsel

In response to criticism that his campaign slogan, "Cut/Slash/Burn," was short on specifics, Toronto Mayoral candidate Rob Ford has released a six point programme to deal with budget shortfalls:

1. Call the budget a wimp.
2. Call the budget an underperformer and warn it that if it doesn't get its shit together, it can be replaced by a younger, leaner, hungrier budget.
3. Shout that the budget has grown fat and lazy and compare it to the thin, positively svelte budgets of other cities.
4. Shout that the budget cries like a girl and should be ashamed to show its face in public!
5. Call the budget something that we cannot even euphemize on a show aired in prime time.
6. Call critics of his financial plans something that we cannot even euphemize on a show aired in prime time.

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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You Will, Mitch, You Will

The rewarding of the Nobel Peace Prize to imprisoned dissident activist Liu Xiaobo, has prompted the following response from the Chinese government: "What they're doing now is using the Peace Prize to tear a hole in our society."

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, nodding wistfully in the background, muttered to himself, "Damn, I wish I had said that!"

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer

[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2010Oct10.html]
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They Sure Know How To Beat The Tar (Sands) Out Of Environmentalists

2 bad for Canada) The government of Alberta has $25 million to spend on a "charm offensive" (well, at least they got half of the description right) to tell the world how environmentally friendly the province's tar sands are. What is its best line of argument? a) Sure, Albertans' chances of getting cancer have increased, but, from the air, tailing ponds have a beauty that makes them art! You wouldn't want to be considered a Philistine, would you? Either way, when the aliens are weighing the pros and cons of invading earth, this may trigger an appreciation of the esthetic dimensions of human activity that will cause them to reconsider their battle plans...
b) You know, nobody in Alberta expected to live forever...
c) If tar is good enough to be in our cigarettes, it's good enough to be in our drinking water!

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Toronto: Cooler Than Your Grandfather's Undershorts!

The city of Toronto, going through one of its weekly identity crises, was offered new rebranding slogans by Canadian ad agencies. These are some of the slogans that didn't make the final cut:

Toronto...the subways haven't completely broken down...yet...
Toronto...go hog wild.
Toronto: the friendliest street people in the world!
Toronto: the biggest pyjama party you have ever seen...ssh...
Toronto. Embracing the world...because the rest of Canada is too scared to.
Toronto...did you know the hogs no longer run wild on our streets?
Toronto. Embarrassing the world...because somebody has to.
Toronto: the world is our alien sex kumquat!
Toronto: civic character is for wimps.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1848591835813
&call_pageid=967735278492&col=968444972154]
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And, You Thought The Republicans Were Against Recycling!

Karl Rove, whose career as a political hatchet man goes back to Richard Nixon, accused President Obama of having an "enemies list" for naming Rove as one of the people who are easing the path for foreign money to buy American elections.

Obama. Enemies list.

The Absurd Ironyometer would like to think that Karl has simply gone senile and forgotten the circumstances in which the term originated. Any other explanation would likely give the Absurd Ironyometer nightmares for weeks and drive it back to therapy.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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I Don't Know About You, But I'm Sure Feeling The Love

"I wonder why members opposite continue to put Toronto down." - Conservative Minister of Public Safety Vic Toews, arguing that Liberal and NDP criticism of over-spending on the G20 summit was anti-Toronto

 "If we make clear and unambiguous promises in our constituencies and then face pressure from Toronto elites, we'll be accountable for that." - Tory House Leader John Baird

 "Twenty-seven hundred [cities] got it right! [Toronto] didn't! That is not a partnership and they're bitching at us. They should fuck off!" - Baird when he was Minister of Transportation, Infrastructure and Communities

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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This Is What A Demonstration Would Look Like If We Could Show One To You

RE: THIS IS WHAT A DEMONSTRATION LOOKS LIKE!

From:owner-antisocialforum@acs.wryerson.ca on behalf of Pius Rolheiser (prolheiser@politics.wryerson.ca)
Sent:October 11, 2010 7:37:18 PM
To: antisocialforum@wryerson.ca (antisocialforum@wryerson.ca)

Actually, we are having trouble with our mail server; for the moment, it appears to reject every image we try to embed in our emails. Have no fear, though: we have some very capable technical people working on the problem, and we hope to be able to show you what a demonstration looks like very, very soon.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-79463748648263272301730728cahs01.html]
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On The Other Hand, What Company Can Survive By Alienating The Geek Market?

Medical experts and consumer watchdogs are lobbying the Canadian government to ensure that Fosforhesus Inc., a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp that makes dysfunctional foods, is not allowed to label its products "proven to help you live forever."

"This is a completely absurd claim," said part-time philosopher of lint and full-time cyclotron Bernice Blithering-Blyton. "We haven't existed for forever, so it must remain unproven!"

As a compromise, the Canadian government currently allows Fosforhesus to label its products "could help you live forever in conjunction with an otherwise healthy diet and advances in medical science that are, at the moment, closer to science fiction than a workable reality."

"What kind of a compromise is that?" complained former nerf golf pro turned Fosforhesus President Larry Stamford Matumbo. "Sure, we'll capture the geek market, but what company can survive on that?"

SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service

[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32362625314029314687fx]
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