Thank you, Froufrou Le Jyp, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were sitting in the basement, watching Halloween 37: The Franchise Lives! when the lights went out. Fred and Betty stopped making out on the couch and - oh, and the television went out, too. Everything electrical went out. The electricity went out. Fred and Betty stopped making out on the couch long enough to ask if there was a fuse box. It was in the baseme - dammit! Okay, we were watching in the den - the den, not the basement - when everything went out and we all went down to the basement to fix the fuses. It was all - the batteries on all of our cell phones had died, so we couldn't call anybody for help. So, anyway, the basement - it was dark and creaky and we had to feel our way along the clammy walls and we weren't sure what was going to happen! Just when we were certain our hearts would give out from the terror...we got to the fuse box and turned everything back on. Laughing, we went back upstairs, BUT THERE WAS A HOOK HANGING FROM THE KNOB ON THE BASEMENT DOOR!
Yeah, we know, we really suck at telling Halloween stories.
Enjoy,Of Course, As Freud Once Said, Sometimes A BB Gun Is Just A BB Gun
What does the fact that the Republicans and their supporting groups have outspent Democrats and their supporters seven to one on advertising in the current midterm elections mean? Let me propose some metaphors for the situation:
Democrats are the 98 pound weaklings on the beach. Republicans are the buff bullies who kick sand in their face and walk away with the girl.
Democrats have BB guns. Republicans have stealth bombers. This will get ugly.
Democrats are Paul Reubens. Republicans are Paul Newman. Any Oscar handicappers out there?
Democrats are David. Republicans are Goliath. Don't expect a repeat upset.
Democrats are warmed over soda. Republicans are chilled champagne. How thirsty are you?
Use whichever metaphor resonates with you the most.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Persuaded? Possibly. Sweet Talked? As A Last Resort. Twisted Arms? With Pleasure.
The idea behind Don't Ask, Don't Tell was that as long as soldiers did not reveal their homosexuality to the military, the military could not question them about it. The fact that over 13,000 men and women have been discharged for their sexual orientation since the policy was put into place in 1993 suggests that the army has not kept up its end of the bargain.
Nonsense, responded Defense Secretary Robert Gates: "We did not ask anybody in the armed services about their sexual orientation. Coaxed? Yes. Cajoled? Certainly. Wheedled? Once in a while. Inveigled? When we had to. Inquired? Whenever we could. Investigated? Absolutely. Outright demanded? To be sure. But, we never asked."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2008Oct13.html]
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The True North, Strong And Friesen
Welcome home, Dawna Friesen.
The first week of your tenure as anchor of Global National, we'd like you to talk about your family. You know, to personalize you. Then, we'll follow that up with a series of empty interviews with "average" Canadians across the country. You know, to personalize you some more. We understand that it's not journalism as you're used to practicing it, but you're a news anchor, and you're a girl, so things are different now. In future, perhaps we'll ask you to do a series on make-up tips for women in war zones or how to follow a reticent politician running away from you while wearing heels. Oh, and, if you haven't increased viewership by 43.278 per cent within six months, we'll can your ass and replace you with a male anchor.
Welcome home, Dawna Friesen. Are you starting to wonder why you ever came back?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Satirus Interruptus
I was working on a piece about Tea Party candidates running away from their positions. It would have been very funny, with a chart listing the candidate's name, what the candidate said during the Republican primary to become the candidate and what the candidate's campaign machine has been saying since he or she became the official Republican candidate.
The problem is that the [EXPLETIVE DELETED]s haven't changed! They aren't toning it down for the general populace - they're just as batshit crazy as they ever were!
Nevada RepubliTea Party candidate Sharron Angle, responding to a question about a campaign ad that portrayed Latinos as scary gang members, told a group of Latino schoolchildren, "So that's what we want is a secure and sovereign nation and, you know, I don't know that all of you are Latino. Some of you look a little more Asian to me... I've been called the first Asian legislator in our Nevada State Assembly." The handlers who let Angle speak at this school must have thought she would be safe among teenagers. They're obviously going to have to rethink that campaign tactic.
I'm sorry, but I can't keep up with the crazy.
Alaska RepubliTea Party candidate Joe Miller stated: "We have the capacity to, as a great nation, obviously to secure our border. If East Germany could, we could." Sure, you could. All it would take? A very, very big wall, land mines, razor wire, machine gun towers and border guards willing to shoot to kill. And, Miller showed that he meant business: after the town hall meeting where he made that statement, his private security team handcuffed and arrested a reporter who was asking him questions he didn't want to answer. Now, all he has to do is declare himself the best candidate for the position of Vice President on the Republican ticket, and his future is success is guaranteed. Would you try to dissuade him when his bodyguards were around?
So, my clever chart is toast. Honestly, how can I make fun of RepubliTea Party candidates when they don't appear willing or able to tone down the crazy?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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He Does Have A Law And Order Agenda - No, Wait, That's A Different Show
The federal government has quietly begun an investigation into the Canadian construction industry's rumoured ties to organized crime. Prime Minister Stephen Harper has bought the complete boxed set of the Sopranos.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20101012.eladvote1012_@/BNStory/newsAllMobbedUp&NowhereToGo2010/]
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