Thank you, Balerio Pfohl, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered how we should approach Keith Olbermann's suspension from MSNBC. On the one hand, we have always found his bombastic approach to political commentary entertaining - sort of a cross between Wagner's Brunnhilde and Groucho Marx. On the other hand, we have dreams of being bought out by Comcast some day (doesn't everybody?), so we didn't want to get carried away. In the spirit of compromise, Keith, good buddy, we've decided to give you all of the editorial moral support we can muster. Just don't come asking us for a job.
Enjoy,Lockheed Martin has admitted that the F-35 fighter jets that the Canadian government has bought have "glitches." For one thing, the wings tend to clap together like dolphin flippers whenever the planes make a successful landing, startling the crew. For another, engine hum frequently sounds like Abba tunes while the plane is in flight.
Defence Minister Peter McKay said the government stood firmly behind its commitment to buy the jets: "This will not affect the Canadian costs, and, anyway, we can train our pilots to enjoy 'Dancing Queen!'"
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2010/11/04/409320.html]
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DEMOCRAT: (mumbles) Spekousner.
REPUBLICAN: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
DEMOCRAT: (mumbles louder) Spekousner.
REPUBLICAN: I'm sorry, but I don't understand. Could you be a little clearer?
DEMOCRAT: Sp...sp...sp...sp...
REPUBLICAN: Special? Specious? Spumanti?
DEMOCRACT: Speaker. Speaker of the...of the...of the...of the...
REPUBLICAN: Yes?
DEMOCRAT: Speaker of the House B...B...B...B...
REPUBLICAN: Almost there.
DEMOCRAT: Boehner! John Boehner! SpeakeroftheHouseBoehner!
REPUBLICAN: There. That wasn't so hard, now, was it?
DEMOCRAT: (dark) Bastard.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227356]
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DAMed If You Do And DAMed If You Don't
People often wonder how the Canadian Jewish Congress' Bernie Farber navigates the tricky line between anti-Semitism and legitimate criticism of the state of Israel. It's simple: he has a specially constructed, Digital Anti-Semitism Meter; he merely takes a reading close to a statement and watches to see where the needle of the machine lies on the scale from "mazel tov" to "oy vey!"
Of course, the Digital Anti-Semitism Meter has never actually given a mazel tov reading. Worse: it has given oy vey readings to a Hawaiian hula girl lampshade, a nerf football and a quote from the Kama Sutra written in florid pink lipstick on a mirror in the bathroom of a Wimpy's restaurant.
The Digital Anti-Semitism Meter may need a little...uhh...recalibrating. Still, we're sure Farber is aware of the problem and will act accordingly.
SOURCE: Canuckistanian Jewish Weekly
[http://www.cjweekly.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=20180&Itemid=86]
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Sometimes, The Circle Of Life Is Very Small
Shannon Tavarez, star of The Lion King on Broadway, has died of leukemia. She was 11 years old. But, umm, that's much older in lion years...
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Tea Partiers Were Listening To "The Teddy Bear's Picnic"
The music people listen to tells you a lot about who they are or where they are coming from.
For instance, before the mid-term elections, Democrats were listening to Alice Cooper's "(I Wanna Be) Elected." After the elections, they were listening to the Ramones' "I Wanna Be Sedated."
Sensing what was in the wind, before the elections, Republicans were listening to Queen's "We Will Rock You." Given their success, they are now listening to the Talking Heads' "Burning Down the House."
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=11/04/2010#1]
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Fool Me An Infinite Number Of Times, Shame On Whoever Created Eternity
"Yeah, baby! The Tea Party has arrived, and Washington will never be the same!"
Actually, not 24 hours after the victory, Teapublican Jim DeMint allowed that conservatives would have to agree to raise the debt ceiling above $13.4 trillion. To not do so would not only risk immediately shutting down the American government, but it could result in world-wide economic collapse.
"But, but, but, if the Tea Party stood for anything, it stood for no more government debt! Okay, okay, maybe there are some things our Congressmen can't do. At least they guaranteed there would be no more corporate bailouts."
Umm, yeah, about that. The Teapublicans are on record as intending to repeal or scale back all of the 111th Congress' Wall Street regulation. This includes the Volcker Rule, which would have curbed Wall Street's worst excesses. If they succeed, they pretty much guarantee future collapses, making bailouts a predictable necessity.
"Really?"
Really.
"Who cares! They're on the side of the people! Our side! They said!"
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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In Clement Weather Ahead
In the aftermath of its decision to block a foreign takeover of Potash Corporation, the Conservative government intends to review the Investment Canada Act.
"We need to find out how our government allowed itself to make this decision," Industry Minister Tony Clement stated. "Can our government really be trusted with this power? Would it be better for the economy - not to mention our relationships with other countries - if we limited the powers we have? These are the questions that are on the table and, dammit, I want myself to give me answers!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=25eeccd7-f6f3-4e4g-9f25-a7eb4cc4a228]
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All The Noose That's Fit To Print
3rd time's a charm?) Whether it's burning crosses on the lawn of the only black man in the village or wearing a white sheet and leading a person in blackface around by a noose in the local Canadian Legion hall, race relations sure are lightening up. Unfortunately, some big city elitists might think of these incidents as, you know, "racism." If you're accused of...you know, what is your best defense?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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