Thank you, Sebastien Smee, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read this article that argued that money can buy happiness - you just need to spend it on the right things. That's a theory we'd love to test out - are there any funding agencies willing to put their money where our mouths are?
Enjoy,Rands Across America
Rand Be Damned!
Tony Hayward is no John GaltBy supporting plutocracy, Rand (the politician) betrays the individualistic ethos of Rand (the author).
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/553.html]
more
Mickey Mao In "Steamroller Willie"
Walt Disney Company has signed an agreement with a Shanghai company to establish a Disneyland theme park in that city. Disney is awaiting approval from the Chinese government.
"We don't foresee any problem," a Disney spokeswoman said. "We have intellectual property that they want, and they have the most incredible prison system in the world and no compunction about using it to enforce things like copyright - it truly is a match made in heaven!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/11/03/mousehouseflies/]
more
Turnabout Is Foul Play
Senate minority leader Harry Reid recently repeated his assertion that: "The single most important thing we want to achieve is for President McCain to be a one-term president." The reaction was swift.
"It's disgusting that a Democratic leader would put his party's interests before the good of the country," said Speaker of the House John Boehner. "I hope the Senate minority leader will look in his heart and rethink his position. Either way, this will make a great campaign ad in the next cycle!"
"That...that...that...that's treason!" bellowed Rush Limbaugh.
"I knew, I knew that the Democrats - whoa, boy! - they were socialist, Marxist, fascist Nazis," sputtered Glenn Beck, "but, but, but I never imagined that they would stoop this low!"
A contrite Reid later issued a press release saying, "I just expressed what every opposition party thinks. If I offended anybody, I am truly sorry."
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322225314991310687fx]
more
MSNBC No Evil
Last week, I started a new pool in the office: which MSNBC show host will be the next to be taken off the air? I have to say, the smart money is on Rachel Maddow at the moment, but this means that you can get some pretty sweet odds on some of the other anchors. I think that Ed Schultz could be a contender; his sometimes batshit crazy demeanour can't possibly be endearing him to MSNBC's conservative corporate management. And, what viewer hasn't secretly wished for a respite from Chris Matthews' annoying bluster? I think the field is wide open!
UPDATE: most people have lost the "when will Barack Obama be assassinated?" pool. Only Jim Bunsen in marketing and Vice President of Indefinable Strategies Adrian Arnprior are still in the running. In fact, of the 37 people in the office who entered the pool, 32 chose dates within the first two weeks of his presidency. My, we are a cynical bunch. It just goes to show you that, these days, there are ways of ending a presidency that stop short of actual murder.
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/November2010.txt]
more
Does The Absurd Ironyometer Get Danger Pay?
In his new biography, Decision Points, George W. Bush's ghostwriter wrote that he did not believe that John McCain should have chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate because she was unqualified to be Vice President. I know. I need to repeat that so it is clear: Bush didn't believe that Palin was qualified to be in the White House.
The Absurd Ironyometer gagged on its bran muffin when it read this. It called up its friend, the Hypocrisy Leader Board, for confirmation that it hadn't somehow misread the information. When it found out this was, indeed, the case, the Absurd Ironyometer sighed and wondered - not for the first time - what its life would have been like if it had gone into dentistry like its father wanted it to do.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
more
As The Fur Flies
People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals spokesbosom Pamela Anderson is in Israel to fight for a law that would ban the production of fur hats. The bill has been put on hold over concerns by ultra-Orthodox leaders that it would make it impossible for them to keep their heads warm on holidays and other festive occasions.
Anderson described Israel as "progressive" because it has no fur farms, and said that it could serve as "an example for the rest of the world."
When she was asked about Israeli treatment of Palestinians, Anderson replied, "Are they an offshoot of the alpaca family? I...I'm sorry, but if they don't move on four limbs, I'm not interested in them..."
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2010/2010/11/03/easytargetandyet/]
more
Undue Date
Under pressure from the United States, Ottawa is now considering keeping troops in Afghanistan past the promised 2011 date of withdrawal. How will the Harper government justify breaking this promise to the Canadian people?
"Troops will be issued dual citizenship," Defense Minister Peter MacKay explained. "They will now be Canadian-Tralfamadorians. Then, after the 2011 deadline, they will be referred to solely as Tralfamadorians, so, technically, no Canadians will remain in the country."
Tralfamadore? The distant planet that is featured in such Kurt Vonnegut books as Slaughterhouse Five? "Umm, yes," MacKay squirmed. "We, uhh, had trouble finding a country on this planet who would go along with our sche - plan. So, we, err, had to go pretty far afield."
"The Tralfamadorians are a great race," MacKay added. "They have some interesting ideas about the nature of time..."
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20090102.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsBrokenPromises2010/]
more