Thank you, Yossie "Eat My" Schwartz, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we considered commenting on former President George W. Bush's new book, Decision Points. Unfortunately, we couldn't decide on what to criticize about it first. Ironic, or what?
Enjoy,Halal On Earth
Campbell's has a plant in Canada that makes soups certified by the Islamic Society of North America as being made in accordance with Islamic dietary laws. This is not like foods being certified as kosher BECAUSE JEWS AREN'T TERRORIST BASTARDS INTENT ON DESTROYING OUR CIVILIZATION AND WAY OF LIFE! With, uhh, soup.
Look, it's really very simple. First, they came for my soup, and I didn't do anything because I don't eat soup. Then, they came for my vegetables, and I didn't do anything because I don't eat vegetables. Then, they came for my potatoes, and I didn't do anything because I figured I could live without potatoes if I had to. Finally, they came for my meat, and there were no Christian chefs left to defend my diet!
Only in Canada, you say? Why do we let them continue to run their own country? Clearly, they don't know how.
SOURCE: Red State Blues
[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/jerry_in_geo/2010/nov/10/you-can-call-me-halal-NOT]
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R&D? LOL!
After a year trying to find a buyer for Atomic Energy of Canada, Limited (AECL), the Canadian government's sole hope appears to be a 12 year-old New Yorker named Timmy.
The deal hinges on Timmy's ability to finance research into advanced nuclear technology. "I'm trying to figure out how much of my allowance I should put into R&D," Timmy explained, "and how much I should use to finance the acquisition of comic books and bubble gum. It's a tricky balancing act, but I think I can pull it off."
How did a once major nuclear power company become the target of a takeover by somebody who hasn't even hit puberty? Critics of the government say Ottawa did a piss poor job of marketing the company to potential buyers, especially after a former spokesweasel for the Prime Minister referred to it as "a rotting carcass of a corporation that should be put out of the government's misery." The spokesweasel said he was misquoted, but the damage was done.
The sale will, of course, be contingent on the approval of the Canadian Competition Bureau and Timmy's parents.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=16ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a419]
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People Who Sit At Glass Tables Shouldn't Throw Out Policies
INTERVIEWER: I'm talking today with Speaker of the House presumptive John Boehner. Mister Speaker, when you take office, your goal is to cut spending so the country can reduce the deficit. Correct?
BOEHNER: That's right.
INTERVIEWER: And, when it comes to cuts, everything is on the table?
BOEHNER: Everything.
INTERVIEWER: Absolutely everything is on the table?
BOEHNER: Absolutely everything.
INTERVIEWER: Absolutely positively everything is on the table?
BOEHNER: Absolutely positively everything.
INTERVIEWER: Well. That seems clear enough. So -
BOEHNER: Eeeexcept the military. Republicans will not compromise the country's security just to save a few bucks.
INTERVIEWER: No, no, of course not. So -
BOEHNER: And, Medicare and Social Security.
INTERVIEWER: Not Medicare or Social Security?
BOEHNER: These are sacred trusts. Republicans will not compromise the party's electability just to save a few bucks.
INTERVIEWER: I see. What about earmarks?
BOEHNER: We are on record as being against earmarks, which, as everybody knows, are literally the spawn of Satan.
INTERVIEWER: Ah, but earmarks are such a small percentage of the -
BOEHNER: Eeeexcept for earmarks that benefit Republican districts. It wouldn't look very good on my members if their constituents lost their police or fire services.
INTERVIEWER: Sooo...your plan to cut the deficit is...to cancel work on bridges in New York?
BOEHNER: Pretty much, yeah.
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227359]
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It Rhymes, It Scores!
Not an Ideal Way to Promote the Sport
The hockey haikuSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/554.html]
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Americans Don't Want A President, They Want A Pretzel!
You know why President Obama's popularity is dropping in the polls? Common wisdom says that Obama needs a sense of humour about the world. No, common wisdom disagrees: Obama needs a sense of humour about himself. No, common wisdom argues, Obama needs to learn a little humility. No, common wisdom insists, Obama needs to be more aggressive pursuing his agenda. No, common wisdom pushes forward, Obama need to be more willing to compromise his agenda. No, common wisdom responds, Obama needs to spend more time listening to common people.
For goodness' sake, people, we've already had a President who did (almost) all of those things. His name was George W. Bush. I know his tenure is ancient history - why, it was all of two years ago - but don't any of you remember how that turned out?
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Eyelashes Not As Tasty As One Might Think
Marilyn, an albino California king snake, snuck out of her tank and is roaming a downtown highrise. Her owner claims the snake is harmless: "I used to clean the apartment with her around my neck. She licks my eyelashes."
Well, that certainly explains why the snake would want to escape!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Republican
Wednesday. 10pm. NBC. Law and Order: Washington. A member of the Supreme Court buys a ticket to attend a Republican fundraiser that he headlined two years earlier. In the first half of the episode, detectives investigate whether this violates the Court's code of conduct that a sitting justice should not "solicit funds for, pay an assessment to, or make a contribution to a political organization or candidate, or attend or purchase a ticket for a dinner or other event sponsored by a political organization or candidate." The second half of the episode is cancelled and replaced by a repeat of The Apprentice.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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China Yawns, Says: Been There, Done That!
The Inter-Parliamentary Coalition to Combat Anti-Semitism (ICCA) has ratified the Ottawa Protocol, which aims to stop the growth in the criticism of Israel and its policies that, the group claims, is increasingly a vehicle for anti-Semitism.
In the ICCA's ideal world, if you dare to say that Israel's treatment of Palestinians isSOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/101109/geeklynews/01bobbobbalinda.htm]
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