Thank you, Aiyana Mo'nay Stanley-Jones, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we accessed our bank account through an ATM that didn't make a sound. None of the digitized blooping and bleeping that we've come to expect from modern machines. Nothing. Nada. Not even crickets. It was the creepiest experience we've ever had in a bank, and we're including the time one of the teller's went nuts, stripped off his clothes and covered himself in the paint from the exploding security devices on the money while shouting, "I refuse to eat the alabaster penguins!" Yes, it was creepier than that. Stealth ATMs. Nobody prepared us for this future.
Enjoy,It Could Tarnish Their Reputation (The Onion's, I Mean)
The Fox News Web site Fox Nation recently published an excerpt from an article called "Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail." The full article, which was about Barack Obama writing a long email to the nation that rambled, had originally appeared on The Onion, a satirical Web site.
"Yeah, we're sorry about that," stated Onion editor Joe Randazzo. "We've been supplying Fox News with talking points for years, but, due to contractual obligations, the two organizations are not really supposed to duplicate each other's efforts. It wouldn't reflect well on either of us. Still, given how extreme Fox has gotten in recent years, I suppose a slip-up like this was only a matter of time."
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/elephantium-smythely1.html]
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Hard To Tell Because The Giant Lizard Wasn't Wearing His ID
Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair has blasted the Special Investigations Unit for using a video on YouTube as evidence for its claim that excessive force was "probably" used by officers during G20 protests.
"The video was obviously tampered with," Blair asserted. "I can buy the piano playing cat off to the side, but the Lady Gaga/Justin Bieber duet? As if! It never happened and never will. And - hey! - is that Godzilla hiding behind the CN Tower?"
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Brevity Is The Soul Of Book Marketing
Three days after the announcement of the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton, the first book about the royal wedding has been published. It is 12 pages long and retails for $29.95. The book contains 10 pages of photographs of Prince William, one of Middleton and the message, in very large text: "Buckingham Palace has announced that Prince William will be marrying Kate Middleton. Jolly good show."
Not to be outdone, Nora Ephron's new book, I Remember Nothing, contains one line, "When I was seven, I...no, wait, that didn't actually - give me a moment to collect my memories, will you?" and 247 blank pages. It entered the New York Times non-fiction bestseller list at third place in the first week of its release (other, more cautious, news outlets were uncertain whether it should be considered for the fiction, non-fiction or gardening lists), but sales are expected to fall off dramatically owing to rumours that the book is "a little thin."
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.42.79/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Sorry, But All The Good Lists Were Taken
Eleven science fiction books that aren't science fiction.
1. The Good Earth, by Pearl S. BuckSOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2010/December/Non-SF_SF.asp]
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It's Never Too Late To Speed Up The Collapse
Amidst accusations of gouging customers, banks that provide microloans to small businesses in India are being threatened with not having their loans repaid. This could lead to some of the banks going under.
"Well," responded London banker Tim Hoggett-Trawfe, "at least we won't be blamed for the next international economic collapse! Wow. Not being responsible for international economic havoc - it feels...pretty good. You know, I...I think I may just...sell more derivatives now!"
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=38ddccd6-f5f-3f3f-8f14-a1eb3cc6a417]
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Clean Heart, Dirty Politics
Congressman Eric Cantor secretly met with Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu to assure him that Republicans in Congress would protect the interests of the State of Israel from Democrats in Congress and the White House. Really? What is this world coming to?
When Ronald Reagan sent representatives to Iran to ask the Ayatollahs to keep the hostages until the 1980 election to make Jimmy Carter look bad, at least he had the decency not to publicly announce it on his office's letterhead!
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2010Nov31.html]
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And, You Thought Alzheimer's Economics Referred To Cutting More Taxes For The Rich Because We'd Forgotten How Few Jobs It Created Last Time We Did It!
Demographers believe that by 2030, in the United States one out of every five dollars will be spent by people over 65.
"This is great news!" exclaimed economist Bambi LaFleur. "They'll forget what they just bought and buy it again! And, again! And, again! This could be just the boost the economy needs to get going again!"
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20101132.eladvote1132_@/BNStory/newsDemographics2010/]
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Putting Out The Welcome Matt
Excerpt of an interview on The Today Show:
MATT LAUER: The Pfufnagel of Rigel 16 has sent a fleet of battle cruisers to Earth. They crushed the American armed forces in 12 minutes and took over the Earth in less than an hour. They have transported hundreds of thousands of human beings to their ships for reasons we can only guess at - although most people, understandably, prefer not to. The alien President went on national television to tell everybody that remained not to panic and to keep shopping. How does this make you feel?
REGINALD MacFLIGHTY: Not too good, Matt. I gotta tell ya, I'm not feeling too good about being an Earth human right now.
LAUER: And - I'm sorry to have to ask this, but alien overlord viewers really want to know - will you obey the alien President and keep shopping?
MacFLIGHTY: At this point, I don't see what all else I can do...
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=42322641386641314010fx]
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