Thank you, Deezer Gonzolez, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, walking through the mall, we - never mind which mall - it really isn't important which - THE mall, okay? - in THE mall, we walked past a guy who was selling memberships to the gym. It was - THE gym, smartass! - it was a special deal: two years for the price of one. And, we thought: are you serious? That just means that we have to make up excuses for why we're not going to work out for a whole nother year! What they should do is offer a six month membership for the price of an annual membership - that's something we definitely wouldn't dismiss entirely out of hand!
Enjoy,Don't Retreat - REVISION!
In the wake of the Arizona shooting of 20 people, six of whom have died, that appeared to target Democratic Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, this is how the United States searches its soul:
LEFT: Maybe we should tone down the violence in our political discourse.
RIGHT: TONE DOWN THE VIOLENCE IN YOUR OWN POLITICAL DISCOURSE, PINHEAD! EVERYBODY KNOWS THE SHOOTER WAS A LEFT-WING NUTCASE AND COMPLETELY IRRATIONAL AND CRAZY AND INSANE AND HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING WE ON THE RIGHT HAVE EVER SAID, HAVE EVER WANTED TO SAY OR HAVE EVER THOUGHT OF SAYING IN THE SECRET RECESSES OF OUR DARK HEARTS! THEY WEREN'T CROSSHAIRS, THEY WERE BOUYS BOBBING ON THE SEA OF POLITICAL INCOMPETENCE TO WARN SAILORS NOT TO GET TOO CLOSE TO THE SHORE! AND, AND, AND, HOW DARE YOU DEMOCRAT GHOULS POLITICIZE THIS TRAGIC, TRAGIC INCIDENT!
LEFT: Okay, umm, yeah, you make some good points, and, yet -
RIGHT: AND, YET, NOTHING! DON'T MAKE ME REACH FOR MY SECOND AMENDMENT REMEDIES, PAL, CAUSE I WILL! WE DON'T RETREAT - INSTEAD, WE RELOAD! AND, WE WILL TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY...WATERED BY THE BLOOD OF PATRIOTS...RRROWF! ROWF ROWF!
LEFT: Oh...okay, then. I...I'm glad we had this little talk. I think we learned a lot today...
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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On The Bright Side: There Are Probably Americans Willing To Buy The Radiation That Would Be Released...
The Canadian Taxpayers Federation is asking the federal government for $50,000 to restart its mobile debt clock, which had been put into storage when Liberal (!) Paul Martin wrestled Canada's debt to the ground. Would they go into debt to get the debt clock running again? The recursiveness of such a move could sink the entire country into a black hole...
SOURCE: National Coalition of Anti-tax Loonies Home Page
[http://www.ncal.ca/HomeSweetHome.html]
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Oh, Snap! (That'll Be A Buck Fifty)
Soon after homeless man Ted Williams was featured in a segment on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, he was offered some jobs, including that of announcer with the NBA's Cleveland Cavaliers. This could be the start of something big.
Call it the Keith Olbermann Getting America Back To Work Programme. He could feature a different unemployed person every night. If things work out as they did for Ted Williams, the unemployment problem in the United States might be down to a reasonable level in...73 years.
It may not sound like much, but it's better than what the government seems willing to do.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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You Can't Argue With Illogic Like That
Responding to a recent study published in the journal Natural Geoscience that claimed that global warming was past the point where it could be changed, Hanuman Gerund-Fischmann, President of Worldwide Petrochemical Apocalypse stated, "Well, there you go. Ain't nothing we can do about global warming anyway, so we may as well keep going as if nothing was wrong."
When asked how he could take this position when, up until five minutes before, he had denied climate change existed, Gerund-Fischmann smiled and said, "You can't argue with science!"
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1924H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1537614B782611]
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The League Of Dumbass Voters: Looking Out For Somebody Else's Interests For Over 30 Years!
BULLETIN: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's announcement that TTC routes would be cut while fares would increase was music to our ears. After all, it is the long-standing policy of the League of Dumbass Voters that we should elect politicians who offer less service for more money - and, finally, we found one who was honest about it!
Or, so we thought. Imagine our surprise, dismay, shock, horror and any other nouns that we may, from time to time, come up with that express our displeasure in strict accordance with the LDV's bylaws, to find that, not a day after the announcement, Ford announced that there would not, after all, be a TTC hike. This isn't what we voted for! We voted in anger for a politician who would act against our interests - and we will settle for nothing less!
The League of Dumbass Voters urges all of our members to phone, email, telegramme, telex, moon or otherwise display your displeasure at this decision. Let's keep our politicians honest!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Fear The Question
Alright. On a show last week, I got my facts wroh - raw - rawoon - I got my facts w - w- w - I was premature in my rational assessment of a situation. Apparently, scientists do know why the tides come in and go out. It has something to do with the moon. Communications has nothing to do with it, or so I am told by my 12 year-old niece, Tammy. Smart girl - although it would appear she needs to spend more time in Sunday school. Still, there are lots of things science cannot explain. Like, why do people get sick? Why does rain fall down instead of up? And, why, why, Mister Silverman, if science is really such hot stuff, can you tell me why people still care what happens to Lindsay Lohan? In my opinion, god is the only possible answer.
SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2233,98567,00.html]
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But, You Were Probably Way Ahead Of Me On This One
BOB: They proudly fly their colours so that people can identify them. They often travel in packs. They have their own code of conduct. When one of their own is hurt, they will lash out to punish anybody who may be involved. When one of their own commits a crime, they often close ranks and make sure that any investigation is greeted with silence.
SUE: Yeah, gangs are a real problem, aren't they?
BOB: Who's talking about gangs? I'm talking about the cops!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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