Thank you, Enoch Schnurbler, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we couldn't help but wonder what the cat thought it would find in the freezer, and how it imagined it was going to get out.
Enjoy,Or, Could This Just Be The Vatican's Latest Recruiting Ploy?
According to Pope Benedict XVI, some people should die virgins.
Pope Benedict told priests that they needed to do a better job counselling would-be spouses to ensure their marriages last, adding that no one has an absolute right to get married. Since the church has previously decreed that sex could only take place within marriage, those who are considered not good marriage material might go to their graves never having tasted the pleasures of the flesh.
Catholic boys throughout the world sighed. "I can't believe they've made it even harder to get laid," Benny from Brooklyn, 16, complained. "Why don't they just cut it off at birth and get it over with?!"
SOURCE: Religion For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/religionfordummies/home.asp?did=529&dir=bb]
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OMG - They ARE Just Like Everybody Else!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=7546539932]
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Obviously, Somebody Didn't Get The Memo About The New Civility
Less than two weeks after she was shot in the head, right wing pundits are calling on Democratic Representative Gabrielle Giffords to resign her seat. This is premature. Although she cannot speak and has limited movement capabilities, she would still make a more effective legislator than most Republicans.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/118^.htm]
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It's Not Like The Tax Shelter Days, When The Money Flowed And Dentists Dreamed Of Sitting In High Chairs Labelled "Producer"
After making off with a Golden Globe for Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy for his starrer in Barney's Version, Paul Giamatti is rumoured to have charged two people five dollars apiece to snap a pic with him holding his statue during the after party.
We shouldn't be too hard on Giamatti, though. After all, it was a Canadian flick.
SOURCE: Peephole<.p>
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,19769,1089272,05.html]
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Scientists are telling people that recent mass dying of birds, some of whom have literally fallen from the skies, are nothing to worry about, that they have been happening regularly for a long time.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE REASSURING????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1724H3EC-2C145-20K5-AMA1522614B711846]
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SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Comcast Your Bread Upon The Airwaves, And It Shall Come Back To Your Shareholders Twentyfold
Countdown has reached zero. The Ed Show is now ready for prime time. The Last Word is now the middle word. Strange days have come to MSNBC.
A couple of weeks ago, Keith Olbermann suspended Countdown's "Worst Person in the World" segment, saying that it would return at some point with a different name. It clearly hadn't occurred to him at the time that he wouldn't be returning under any name.
The right shouldn't gloat about Olbermann's abrupt departure from MSNBC - when all of their rival voices on the left are extinguished, who will remain for them to attack? Each other? Glenn Beck versus Rush Limbaugh: now, there's a cage match of crazy that might be fun to watch!
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Squidward Can Only Dream Of Such A Send-off
Fans of World Cup soccer who miss Paul the Octopus, who went to that big sushi restaurant in the sky three months ago, rejoice! The ashes of the magical mollusk have been placed in a gold-leafed urn inside a six foot plastic replica of Paul holding a soccer ball in his tentacles.
People who are not fans of Paul or - if such a thing is possible - soccer may scoff. To you I say: what do you think is going to happen to your ashes when you die?
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#57208127865]
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Throw Everything Against A Wall And See Who Salutes It
How has the right's response to the shootings in Arizona evolved over the past couple of weeks?
Jared L. Loughner's actions had nothing to do with politics (although he did express a lot of anti-government feelings, and he specifically did seek out and shoot political figures at a Democratic event). Jared L. Loughner was bat-shit insane. No, seriously, the voices in his head (because all crazy people have voices in their heads) were much more influential in his violent behaviour than any voices on television or radio. Jared L. Loughner was a liberal. okay, maybe Jared L. Loughner wasn't a liberal, but the left wing media, in continuously pointing out the violent rhetoric of the right wing media, were ultimately responsible for his violent behaviour (and, no, this is not a contradiction because…because…just don't overthink it, okay?). even if it isn't plausible that Jared L. Loughner was influenced by left wing media, you can't pin anything on us because the right and the left are equally responsible for the poisonous political atmosphere. SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=710&dir=bb]
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