The Daily Me - Stijn Klaassen

Thank you, Stijn Klaassen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were all warned to fear "Snowmageddon," or, as we used to call it when we were growing up, "Tuesday."

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The Daily Me Staff

As A Member Of The Muslin Brotherhood, I Never Understood The Prejudice Against My Favourite Fabric...Until Now!

The lamestream media are pussyfooting around this issue, so let me just get straight to it: all of the unrest in Egypt? It's President Obama's fault. When he was a teenager, he could have travelled to the Middle East and assassinated all of the leaders of what would become the Muslim Brotherhood. If he had done that, we might be able to trust Egyptians to choose their own leaders in fair and open elections. But, he didn't. He just didn't love America enough.

And, it goes without saying that Obama hates Israel. Has he gone to Egypt to personal hunt down and kill every leader of the anti-Mubarak forces? No, way! Come on, guy, there can only be 100,000 of them, 200,000 tops! Only somebody who hates Israel wouldn't be prepared to get such a little amount of blood on his hands.

There will be people who will argue that the protests in Egypt are a natural response to decades of brutality and corruption. I say foo to them. Foo, I say. It is clearly Obama's fault.

SOURCE: Red State Blues

[http://www.redstateblues.com/diaries/martha_in_miss/2010/feb/02/you-know-its-all-his-fault-why-don't-you-admit-it/]
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This Chain Store Competition Thing Has Gotten Waaaaaay Out Of Hand!

Caveat Lector: let the buyer eat the seller's liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

SOURCE: Michelle's Obscure Pedantry Page

[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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No Means You Need A Better Lobbyist

A bill brought up in the House of Representatives would redefine rape. I'll bet you didn't realize that rape needed a new definition. You may have even thought the issue was settled. Silly you. The definition of rape is being changed in order to decrease the number of abortions that could be paid for by the federal government. The new law would define rape as a sexual act between adults that:

  • occurred if the woman hadn't said the word "yes" at any point in her life (including as an answer to questions that had nothing to do with sex, such as, "Did you have a good night's sleep?" or "Do you want fries with that?);
  • involved violence resulting in organ failure or imminent death, or;
  • only occurred during a full moon on the third Tuesday of a month.

    "It's not that we love women any less," said Representative Ron Ghoulheart (R - Transylvania), a sponsor of the bill. "It's just that we love an abstract definition of life more."

    SOURCE: Womyn's e-Vents

    [http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1184]
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    When MY Regulatory Agency Is Captured By Business, DammitIt Stays Captured By Business!

    The Harper government has sent the ruling on usage based billing (UBB) back to the CRTC, ordering it to change the decision or have the government change the decision for it. CRTC chair Konrad von Finckenstein was not happy with the order.

    "First, we're told to be more friendly to business," von Finckenstein groused. "Then, when we're finally getting the hang of being amenable to industry's needs, we're told that we have to give more consideration to the needs of consumers! If the Prime Minister can't make up his [COMPLIMENT DELETED] mind, why doesn't he just stick his hand up my ass and put the words directly into my mouth?"

    von Finckenstein opened and closed his mouth like a beached guppie. "See?" he added. "I can act like a ventriloquist's dummy if I have to!"

    SOURCE: Canadian Depress

    [http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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    Mild, Medium, Hot, Super-Hot And, Now, New Teargas Chicken Wings - This Could Open Up A Whole New Trend In Half Time Snacking!

    It was a mid-winter miracle: Egyptians stop rioting in the streets in order to watch the Super Bowl. Teargas was exchanged for nachos and chicken wings. Tanks lined up for a tailgate party.

    Unfortunately, the anti-Mubarak protestors are Green Bay fans, and the pro-Mubarak thugs are Steelers fans. Within seconds of the start of the pre-game show, violence once again erupted.

    SOURCE: USA Whenever

    [http://www.usawhenever.com/news/world/2011-02-07-_x.htm]
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    The Legal Firm Of Chavez, Allende, Ito, Matumbo Would Probably Be Happy To Help Draft That, Senator

    INT. SENATOR DOMMASE'S OFFICE - DAY

    Senator Dommase sits at his desk, reading a newspaper. After a couple of seconds, he tosses the newspaper away in disgust and punches a button on his intercom.

    DOMMASE: Ms. Grijalva?

    GRIJALVA: (on intercom) Si, senor?

    DOMMASE: Send Raoul in here, will you?

    GRIJALVA: (on intercom) At once, senor.

    DOMMASE: (mutters) This cannot be allowed to continue! I -

    RAOUL SANCHEZ enters.

    SANCHEZ: You wanted to see me, Senator?

    DOMMASE: Ah, Raoul. Good. Listen, I was just reading that about 85 per cent of the country's population growth over the last decade has come from minorities - minorities, Raoul!

    SANCHEZ: That's right, sir.

    DOMMASE: What are we going to do about it?

    SANCHEZ: I was talking to Cindy -

    DOMMASE: Who?

    SANCHEZ: Cindy. Cindy Chang? She has been doing research for your office?

    DOMMASE: Oh. Right.

    SANCHEZ: Well, anyway, Cindy assures me that there is no reason to panic.

    DOMMASE: But...but...85 per cent, Raoul! Did you know that some 40 states with declining white birthrates showed a net loss of white children? Did you?

    SANCHEZ: There's no denying that the country is changing, sir, but -

    DOMMASE: I want you and Nick to draft a press release about measures we can take to...encourage white women to have more babies.

    SANCHEZ: With all due respect, Senator, Mister Matebele is still hard at work on your press release arguing that 12 year-olds need to be given the right to carry concealed weapons. If I may suggest, Lou Tzu-Fan in the communications department has a way with words.

    DOMMASE: Tzu-Fan? Tzu-Fan? What...what kind of a name is Tzu-Fan?

    SANCHEZ: Boston Irish.

    DOMMASE: Hunh. I never did understand the Irish. Okay. If you need any help, tell Mtok' - Mto - dammit, I never did get the hang of click languages. Tell Fred in research to help you out.

    SANCHEZ: Yes, sir.

    DOMMASE: Oh, and, Raoul?

    SANCHEZ: Sir?

    DOMMASE: Let's try and get that press release out while this is still a white country, shall we?

    SANCHEZ: (grinning) Absolutely, Senator Domasse. Absolutely.

    SOURCE: Weekends!

    [http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227461]
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