Thank you, Antonia Jumbalaya, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Dewey beat Trudeau.
Enjoy,He Was Clearly Showing Layton Tendencies Towards Something Naughty
NDP leader Jack Layton arrested in sex scandal two days before election!!!!!*
* Well, actually, all Layton got was a massage, not sex. And, he wasn't arrested, he was warned by a police officer that the establishment where he got the massage was under investigation for being a common bawdy house. So, he never went back there. Oh, and, the incident in question happened 16 years ago. Other than that, though, we stand by the implication that Layton is a sleazy horndog of a politician!
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2011/04/29/509727.html]
more
Adding Mirrors To The Hall
The online satirical publication The Onion has apologized to readers for spoofing an article in the New York Times that appeared to be hard news but was, in fact, based on an old article in The Onion.
The Onion article called "President Obama's junior high school record clearly shows a string of broken promises to 11 year-olds" was about Obama, upon being elected class President, reneging on his promises to end detention and needing a hall pass to go to the bathroom while in class. It was a spoof of a Times article called "Sources Close To President Obama Claim He Reneged On Religious Vows," which claimed that Obama broke promises he made to make church wafers more environmentally friendly when he was chosen as an altar boy at the church where he grew up. This article, in turn, was based on a June, 2009 Onion article ("Obama a bad, bad, man") which had been circulating - without attribution - on the Internet.
"Well, that certainly is embarrassing," said Onion editor, Joe Randazzo. "The Times report was so authoritative, we just naturally assumed - well, anyway, we have added some lack of fact checkers to our staff, so, hopefully, this incident will not be repeated!"
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLMEDIA/05/02/reps.main/index.html]
more
LOLCats At War: Pinned Down Behind Enemy Lines
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
more
Almost 500 Taliban members or Taliban supporters (certainly now if not when they were originally arrested) broke out of Afghanistan's Sarpoza prison. How? Allies of the inmates spent six months building a tunnel into the prison.
"This is a blatant example of Reverse Keynesianism!" complained NDP leader Jack Layton. "Next time, why don't we do it properly by digging the hole ourselves and throwing the $5 million we spent improving the prison after the last breakout down into it!"
Stephen Harper responded this was typical socialist thinking, but for some reason his heart didn't seem to be in it.
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
more
Roast Over An Open Volcano For 20 Minutes And Serve?
Friday. 10pm. CBS. Cooking Virgins. Umm, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't ritual sacrifice illegal? I know the economy is bad, really bad, but I'm not sure that taking reality TV to this level is the answer.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
more
Sad When The Islets Of Langerhans Are The Moral Leader Of The World
Chinese officials brought multiple questions to human rights talks this week in the United States, where continuing use of monitoring citizen communications, military trials and detention in offshore facilities undermine the country's rhetorical commitment to human rights. They'll leave with precious few answers.
"Our disagreements are profound," said Chinese Ambassador to the US Zhang Yesui. America's "serious backsliding on human rights" dominated what Zhang called a "tough set of discussions."
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/intrenational/2011-04-29-wtc-lawsuit_x.htm]
more
Gander, Have Some Goose Sauce!
LIBERALS: Vote strategically. If that means voting for a Liberal rather than the NDP because the Liberal has the better chance of beating a Conservative, just do it.
VOTERS: But, the NDP is surging, in many places its candidate is ahead of the Liberal. If the goal is to unseat Conservatives, shouldn't Liberals strategically vote for the NDP?
LIBERALS: Whoa, now! Let's not be hasty. Vote your conscience. If that means voting for a Liberal rather than the NDP even though the NDP has a better chance of beating a Conservative, just do it!
VOTERS: Riiiiiiiiiiiight…
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more
Spinning And Winning At The Universe's Beginning
Some people in the high energy physics community postulate that the universe started not as a point in space/time, but as a line. As soon as he heard the news, Charlie Sheen asked University of Buffalo physicist Dejan Stojkovic where he could find it.
SOURCE: Peephole
[http://peephole.aol.com/peephole/articles/0,14136,1083257,00.html]
more
And, Then I Woke Up
And, Then Lambs Lay Down With Lions
And, Then The Sun Exploded
"Armistadt Gedunken is so rich, his name has its own area code. He is so rich, when he sneezes, small Latin American countries suffer tsunamis. He is so rich, you may be tempted to laugh at this commercial as being overblown hyperbole for comic effect, but it is not. Armistadt Gedunken doesn't need Wind Immobile - when he wants to send a message, he uses a network of yak farts. Wind Immobile - we're not for everybody, just for people who aren't stupid ri -"
Then, realizing that the commercial was perpetrating a form of class warfare, Sun TV reluctantly stopped the ads and returned the phone company's advance.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1042752434]
more
Birth of a Deather
So, President Obama finally got Osama bin Laden. Good. Good. Harrumph. Harrumph. Harrumph. If it's true. I mean, just because Obama says it's so don't make it so - Harrumph! Has anybody outside the administration actually seen the body? I mean, for all we know, bin Laden could have been killed in Tora Bora in 2002 - that's right, on George W. Bush's watch! I - I - I suppose the body lies crushed beneath the rubble of a bombed out building - how convenient is that? Tell you what. To - to - to make it easier, I'd be happy to see the death certificate. Is that so much to ask? I want to see Osama's death certificate. Why hasn't it been released? I mean, this whole controversy would be ended in a flash if Obama just made the death certificate public. So, where is it? Hunh? What exactly is the Democrat Party hiding? HARRUMPH!
SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page
[http://www.rushlimburger.com/home/daily/site_062902/content/truth_distorter.hostile_enemy.html]
more
