Can you even get high on iodine?
Shut up! Go to the articles!
Unfortunately, I Never Wanted A Job As A Stenographer...
MGM has signed Vin Diesel to star in The Machine, where he will play a robot designed to look like a human being. Sometimes, the jokes just write themselves...
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2011/2011/05/14/wrongengine/]
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LOLCats At War: Special Ops
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Under The Well Recognized International Legal Doctrine Of "Finders, Keepers"
The Israeli government has completely rejected President Obama's call for a return to its 1967 borders.
"We stole all that Arab land fair and square," Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated, "and we're not going to give it back!"
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1157853290625]
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With A Slogan Like That, How Can They Possibly NOT Lose?
We used to be aye. Before that, we were AYE. Before that, for some reason that nobody can recall, we were Zach's Bitchin' Science Experiment (but, not, thankfully, for very long). Before that, we were aYe. Yes, we've had many identities since Torstartle decided that what Toronto badly needed was a free weekly (other than the various free weeklies that already existed at the time).
Behold, The Matrixxx.
Why, The Matrixxx? Because everything is one. Everything is connected. Everything is - okay, look, the triple X indicates that we're open to accepting porn ads. That's where the real money in this weekly free publication racket is!
But, this isn't just a rebranding of aye. Absolutely not! Because...because...the staff is completely different, for one thing. Except the ones who were with aye to the very end, which was pretty much everybody. So, uhh, at least you know where to find your favourite writers, okay?
Enter The Matrixxx, where major corporations rip off even bigger corporations!
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/introduction]
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It's Just A Phasing In They're Going Through
The Conservative budget will have a provision to eliminate the public subsidy for political parties, which will be phased in by June 1, 2015. Of course, the next federal election won't be held before September, 2015.
"I know, right?" Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said with a twinkle in his eye.
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2011/05/25/dammitjimimaneconomistnotamiracleworker110525]
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No Rae Of Sunshine Here
As the NDP's Premier of Ontario, Bob Rae presided over the collapse of the party in that province. Rae has now accepted interim leadership of the Liberal Party after its worst electoral defeat in its history. I'm sensing a pattern here.
If Rae really wants to defeat the Conservatives, maybe he should run for their leadership.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/05/26/509727.html]
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Hochul Springs Eternal
Democrat Kathy Hochul has beaten Republican Jane Corwin for the House seat in New York's 26th district. She becomes only the fourth Democrat to hold the seat in a century. That's 100 years, folks. That's a one with two zeroes after it.
How Republican has this district been in the past? Frank Fincher-Bottom, who held the seat in the 1900s, was a notorious drunkard who accidentally burned down the stables in which the horses used by the Fire Department were housed. He was reelected three times after that incident.
Purnelle Cobourg was so busy fathering children by an ever-changing roster of black help that he didn't appear for a vote in either his second or third terms. He was reelected four times after the local orphanage was overrun with his progeny!
In the 1960s, Edgar Rice Flambourroughs got in a car accident which left him in a coma from which he never recovered. He was only reelected two times after that.
The fact that a Democrat won the seat isn't a surprise. It's a minor freaking miracle!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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They've Got You Over An Oil Barrel
Excerpt from a speech Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein gave to the United States Chamber of Commerce:
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen ($109.50 per barrel). I am honoured ($109.60 per barrel) to be here ($109.73 per barrel) to talk to you ($109.81 per barrel) about the price of oil ($109.97 per barrel) today. Some people ($110.18 per barrel) would have you believe ($110.27 per barrel) that rampant ($110.54 per barrel) speculation ($110.65 per barrel) is responsible for ($110.79 per barrel) driving ($110.97 per barrel) price fluctuations ($111.03 per barrel) in the oil ($111.19 per barrel) futures ($111.28 per barrel) market ($111.37 per barrel). This, of course ($111.44 per barrel), is said ($111.47 per barrel) to cause ($111.50 per barrel) unnecessary ($111.52 per barrel) price increases ($111.54 per barrel) at the pumps ($111.55 per barrel).
Nothing ($111.54 per barrel) could ($111.51 per barrel) be ($111.42 per barrel) further ($111.27 per barrel) from ($111.03 per barrel) the ($110.85 per barrel) truth ($110.56 per barrel)! I'd like ($110.42 per barrel) to explain ($110.29 per barrel) why ($110.05 per barrel).
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-4cahs01.html]
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The Revolutionary Will Not Be Immortalized
Bluesologist Gil Scott-Heron has died at the age of 62. Whenever he was referred to as the father of rap (which was often), Scott-Heron always demanded a paternity test.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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PAUL RYAN: I'm sick and tired of Democrats misrepresenting my plan to save Medicare!
PRESIDENT OBAMA: But, Paul, your plan calls for giving seniors annual vouchers.
RYAN: No it doesn't! It calls for giving seniors vouchers.
OBAMA: Right. And, they would use these vouchers not to buy medical services, but to buy medical insurance.
RYAN: Stop misrepresenting my plan! It clearly states that seniors will use the vouchers to buy medical insurance.
OBAMA: What's the difference between what you said and what I said?
RYAN: When you say it, it sounds ugly.
OBAMA: But, Paul, don't you see that what you're suggesting isn't Medicare?
RYAN: Sure, it is. It's Medicare if we call it Medicare.
OBAMA: It's not Medicare if it doesn't do what Medicare was set up to do.
RYAN: You really don't understand how government programmes evolve to suit changing circumstances, do you?
OBAMA: GAH!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227472]
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