The Daily Me - Kent Heckenlively

Thank you, Kent Heckenlively, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Big Brother turned out to be a paunchy old Australian with a thing for redheads. Imagine our disappointment!

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The Daily Me Staff

When You Open the Bag Of Crazy Don't Be Surprised What Comes Out

A Republican Presidential Nominee debate is being planned for Twitter. Really? I can hardly wait:

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: One of the most pressing concerns among Americans today is health care reform.

@theothermccain: on health care, romney makes obama look like reagan! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!

@crazyladymichi: can we just privatize medicare and medicaid and get it over with, already?

@ronthepaul: Is this thing on? Is this working? Am I on?

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: You know, health care is a complicated issue.

@tpawsdealraw: That's why it should be left to the private sector. Only oligarchic competition will save the system!

@crazyladymichi: i have found that the founding fathers laid the foundation for the founding of a private medical system.

@ronthepaul: I just type here and people can read what I type in the privacy of their own homes? It really is that simple? Because, you know

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: Look, we need healthy workers, and a purely private system may not help us get all that the economy needs.

@theothermccain: nobody cares about health! americans want to know what we're gonna do about the debt ceiling!

@crazyladymichi: let the deadline pass - nothing bad is gonna happen. the fairies buzzing around my head told me so.

@ronthepaul: 140 character limit? We're Americans, dammit! There are no limits on our character!

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: You want to discuss the debt ceiling? Okay. I think we need a more…nuanced approach to the subject.

@theothermccain: Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: Okay, that's not helpful.

@crazyladymichi: we don't have to raise the debt, we just have to cut the frills out of the budget - like medicare and social security.

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: That's also not helpful.

@ronthepaul: Why do we have to do this just because it worked for Obama? What happened to debating face to face? What are my opponents afrai

@wontgetpastprimariesmitt: Sigh.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism

[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Some Canadian Comedians Are Easier To Appreciate Than Others

This past weekend marked the 100th anniversary of the birth of Canadian media guru Marshall McLuhan. And, as it happens, his writing is as impenetrable as ever.

SOURCE: The Walrus' Paw

[http://www.walruspawmagazine.com/articles/2011.07-oh-like-YOU-know-what-he-was-going-on-about /]
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LOLCats At War: When The General Meows…

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Okay, I'll Admit It: Even I Don't Want To See These Films

Top nine more realistic endings that would have destroyed the audience for the movies that featured them.

9. Dorothy never does make it home and has to live with seven Munchkins in the forest outside Emerald City for the rest of her life.
8. Luke is captured, tried as a terrorist, convicted and executed.
7. Everybody believes that Ray Kinsella is insane, especially when he loses his farm because the baseball field took up so much room that he didn't have enough crops to sell.
6. McCabe slowly freezes to death in the snow. (Oh, wait…)
5. Annie never finds the strength to leave Alvy Singer, and their relationship descends into alcoholic bickering about their non-existent child.
4. John Connor is killed by the T3000. It doesn't make much difference to the human rebellion, so SkyNet sends the T3000 back in time to kill Connor's second in command. This doesn't make a difference, either, so SkyNet keeps sending the T3000 back in time to kill rebellion leaders until it accidentally kills SkyNet's creator, definitively ending the robot rebellion before it begins.
3. Arthur gets kidnapped and is killed in a botched rescue attempt.
2. Mister Popper is arrested for animal cruelty and the penguins are taken to a zoo, where they are poorly treated and eventually die.
1. Voldemort kills Harry and establishes his evil domain over Earth for all eternity.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
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Putting The Yahoo Back In Netanyahu

Israel has just passed a law that mandates that every European must travel to Israel at least once a decade and buy Israeli products every other week. "How else could we be certain that they are not boycotting our country?" mused Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.

"I would be happy to support the state of Israel in any way I can," French Prime Minister Nicolas Sarkozy, looking over his right shoulder, "but I wonder how this law would be implemented. Would French police raid the homes of French citizens to ensure that they had Israeli products?" Netanyahu nodded his head vigourously. "Oh, boy."

SOURCE: The Arad Post

[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1098851590225]
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Abbott And Costello: The Gift For Humourists That Keeps On Giving

INT. POLICE STATION - DAY

COMMANDING OFFICER: Did you beat up anybody at the G20 Summit?

CONSTABLE: Yes, sir.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Who did you beat up at the G20 Summit?

CONSTABLE: Nobody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: You didn't beat up anybody?

CONSTABLE: No, I did beat up somebody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Then, who did you beat up?

CONSTABLE: Nobody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Nobody?

CONSTABLE: Nobody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: So, you're telling me that you didn't beat up anybody?

CONSTABLE: No, sir, I'm telling you that I did beat up somebody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: If you beat up somebody, who did you beat up?

CONSTABLE: Nobody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Nobody.

PAUSE.

COMMANDING OFFICER: I will ask you again: did you beat up somebody?

CONSTABLE: I already said that I did.

COMMANDING OFFICER: And, what was the name of the person you beat up?

CONSTABLE: Nobody.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Are you refusing to answer the question of a superior?

CONSTABLE: I did answer the question!

COMMANDING OFFICER: And, what was the answer?

CONSTABLE: NOBODY! I BEAT UP NOBODY!

COMMANDING OFFICER: Look, I can't help you, son, if you aren't perfectly honest with me.

CONSTABLE: I am being perfectly honest with you!

COMMANDING OFFICER: You beat up somebody: nobody.

CONSTABLE: That's right.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Do you understand how that sounds?

CONSTABLE: That's what happened!

COMMANDING OFFICER: Do you not know the name of the person you beat up?

CONSTABLE: Of course I know the name of the person I beat up.

COMMANDING OFFICER: And, what was it?

CONSTABLE: Nobody!

PAUSE.

COMMANDING OFFICER: Good. If this doesn't confuse a civilian review board, I don't know what will!

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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