Thank you, Hermes Trismegistus, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were born in a cold, northern climate. We expect to die in a hot, tropical climate. And, we haven't even moved! Yeah. Go ahead. Tell us that the climate isn't changing.
Enjoy,It's The Sort Of Thing That's Obvious When You Say It Out Loud, But Until Somebody Does Nobody Thinks Of It
France may have lost the battle of Agincourt because the armour their soldiers wore was so heavy it left them out of breath. An experiment in which volunteers dressed as 15th century knights ran on a treadmill proved that the armour hampered their breathing.
Well, that was their mistake right there. The French should never have made their soldiers walk on treadmills before they sent them out to battle!
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1824H3EC-2C145-20K5-AAA1062614B715721]
more
"Hi. I'm Prime Minister Stephen Harper, and I love war. I mean, obviously, I've never actually fought in a real war, but I love the idea of war. I love John Wayne's war movies - the tactics, the heroism, the...the explosions. And, I look really good in a flight suit. What's not to love?
"Of course, in times of perpetual war, hard choices have to be made. Sacrifices, even. Sorry, but we have to take money from programmes that could help us build our country in order to help us destroy the infrastructure of foreign countries. I mean, have you seen me in my flight suit? It's worth the sacrifice. I mean: your sacrifice.
"Why? There is the glory, of course. And, there is the flight suit. But, mostly, the reason we go to war is economic: our major trading partner loves war. They love raining death and destruction down on other countries - it's almost a Biblical thing with them. And, well, we don't want to undermine our relationship with them by disagreeing with them on one of their most cherished beliefs - that wouldn't be very neighbourly! So, yes, your children are being sent off to be maimed and possibly killed so we can keep pumping oil to the United States.
"And, really, what nobler sacrifice could a country ask its citzens to make?"
SOURCE: The Wryersonian Eyewash
[http:// theeyewash.com/category/satire/]
more
Tell Your Constituents That Gays Like Reading And They'll Support The Cuts You Want
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/front/we-warned-you-but-did-you-listen-nooooooooooo/]
more
Oslo News Day
"Breaking news just in from Norway where an Islamic terrorist has shot and killed at least 80 people in Oslo. The Islamic terrorist was believed to have acted alo -"
The killer was a tall, white, blonde-haired man.
"Breaking news in the Oslo terrorist attack, where the lone gunman has been revealed to be a white man with blonde hair who had converted to Islam. The name of the suspect is -"
The killer was believed to belong to a white supremacist group.
"We have breaking news from Oslo, where the white Islamic terrorist responsible for killing some 80 people is believed to have infiltrated a white supremacist group. The man known as -"
No. The mass murderer was a white supremacist. If the killings have anything to do with Islam, it's probably that he hated Muslim immigrants.
"He didn't sleep with a Koran under his pillow?"
Highly unlikely.
"Maybe he had a lot of Muslim friends, some of whom were terrorists?"
Even less likely.
"Couldn't he have been brainwashed by Muslim terrorists?"
You're really working hard to fit the facts to your narrative, aren't you?
"Well...I mean - really, we don't do things like - THIS JUST IN: a crazy white lunatic in Oslo has gone on a rampage with no political significance, none whatsoever, and murdered over 80 people!"
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/saucier-picante1.html]
more
Another Silver Lining: Apparently, It Is Possible To Have All Memory Of George W. Bush Surgically Removed
John Boehner has walked out of deficit negotiations with the White House - again! - claiming that the Democrats are not serious about curbing out of control government spending. Apparently, Boehner has had all memory of George W. Bush surgically removed from his brain. There is one silver lining in the whole debacle, though.
At least Boehner is getting a lot of exercise.
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2011/07/21/debtnegotiations/main542615.shtml]
more
If You Want To Be Retiring, You Can No Longer Be Shy
CUSTOMER: Since my employer doesn't offer a pension plan, I am considering entering a Pooled Registered Pension Plan. Do you think that's a good idea?
BROKER: Brilliant! Great idea! Couldn't agree with it more!
CUSTOMER: So, if I am entered in a PRPP, I will have a large enough pension to retire on?
BROKER: Umm...sure. As long as you put enough money into it before you retire.
CUSTOMER: So, as long as I put enough money into my PRPP, I will have a large enough pension to retire on?
BROKER: Absolutely! Err...as long as the fee charged by the plan manager isn't too steep.
CUSTOMER: So, as long as I put enough money into my PRPP and the fee charged by the plan manager isn't too steep, I will have a large enough pension to retire on?
BROKER: Definitely. As long, uhh, as long as the pool is large enough to be sustainable.
CUSTOMER: So...as long as I put enough money into my PRPP and the fee charged by the plan manager isn't too steep and the pool is large enough to be sustainable, I will have a large enough pension to retire on?
BROKER: Yes.
CUSTOMER: What?
BROKER: Well...as long as, you know, the fund doesn't make any bad investments that cause it to lose a substantial amount of its assets.
CUSTOMER: I'd be better off eating the money I would put into a PRPP, wouldn't I?
BROKER: Yep. Uh hunh. Pretty much, yeah.
CUSTOMER: Please pass the salt...
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
more