INT. GLENN BECK'S DRESSING ROOM - DAY
GLENN BECK is sitting in front of a mirror, inspecting his nose for stray hairs.
ANNOUNCER: (over) He haunts the hallways of New York's news studios like stale cabbage. Wherever an opinionator distorts the truth to serve a political agenda - HE IS THERE. Whenever a bloviator uses personal attacks to mask the paucity of his arguments - HE IS THERE. Whenever a pretty talking head pulls facts out of her patootie - HE. IS. THERE. Is he a contemporary of Murrow who fell from grace? Is he a blogger who took money to promote a politician he didn't believe in? Nobody knows. He is...the Pundit Without Honour.
MUSIC: stab.
The PUNDIT WITHOUT HONOUR (PWH) appears in the mirror behind Beck.
PWH: Glenn Beck.
BECK: Put the fan mail down on the couch - I don't have time to read it right now.
PWH: Oh, I'm here to deliver, Glenn Beck, but it isn't fan mail.
Beck turns to face PWH.
BECK: You...look like a raccoon in a smart business suit. Who are you, masked man?
PWH: I am...the Pundit Without Honour.
MUSIC: stab.
BECK: Nice stab.
PWH: I beg your pardon?
BECK: Music can be such an important part of overall dramatic effect, but do you think my producers get that? No. They'll only let me have credit and transition music. A good dramatic stab every few minutes in the body of the show would really pound home my points.
PWH: I'm not here to discuss incidental music with you, Glenn Beck.
BECK: What are you here for, then, eh, Panda Without Humour?
PWH: Pundit Without Honour.
BECK: Oh, yeah? Who are you? I mean, really. Behind the mask.
PWH: I am you.
BECK: Noooooo, I'm pretty sure I'm me.
PWH: You don't understa -
BECK: I mean, when I look in the mirror, there I am!
Beck looks in the mirror. There he is!
PWH: No -
Beck turns back to PWH.
BECK: That would be pretty hard to do if I wasn't me.
PWH: LISTEN! I am the personification of every pundit who adapts his opinions to serve a crude ideological agenda, no matter how inconsistent that makes him...
BECK: That doesn't sound like -
PWH: Or spews dangerous nonsense to incite hatred in small minds without concern for the consequences simply to collect a pay check.
BECK: Oh. Okay. That sounds like me. (pause) It's a pretty honking big pay check, though, if that makes a difference.
PWH: It does not.
BECK: Didn't think so. Soooo...if you're the personificator of...all that, does that mean you're O'Reilly, too?
PWH: Yes.
BECK: And, Sean Hannity?
PWH: Absolutely.
BECK: And, Gretchen Carlson?
PWH: Certainly.
BECK: So, you're a cross-dresser?
PWH: Yes. WHAT? No.
BECK: Then, is Gretchen Carlson really a man?
PWH: I...I have no idea.
BECK: Because I would have thought that, if anybody was a man, it would be Ann Coulter.
PWH: You...you're not very bright, are you?
BECK: Maybe not. (tears over) But, I...I love my country - SOB! - and, I...I fear for her.
PWH: You see! That! That's exactly the kind of bull puckies I'm here to call you on!
BECK: (immediately sober) Oh, okay.
PWH: (confidential) Do you do that crying thing by putting gel in your eyes?
BECK: (conversational) No. I use sense memories.
PWH: Really? What memories do you find most effective in bringing on the waterworks?
BECK: Memories of how poor I was before I had my show.
PWH: You know, that's another thing I'll have to call you on when we come out of this aside.
BECK: Do what you must, man. Do what you must.
PWH: (brisk) Glenn Beck, you incite hatred against President Barack Obama, something you would have called treason had anybody done anything similar to President Bush. Worse than this, you do it not out of political conviction, but just to make money. Have you no shame, sir? At long last, have you no shame?
BECK: Nope. None at all.
PWH: No sense of guilt or responsibility for what some people, taking you at your word, will do?
BECK: Nope. Crazy people are not my problem.
PWH: Well then...there's nothing I can do here.
PWH turns and walks out.
BECK: What a strange character.
Beck shrugs and turns back to the mirror. Yep - his nose is still there.
ANNOUNCER: Be with us next time when the Pundit Without Honour takes on his most difficult foe: Boss Rupert!
FADE TO BLACK