TRANSCRIPT of an interrogation conducted by CSIS officers of a suspect at an undisclosed location in Afghanistan on December 6, 2007.
AGENT ALPHONSE: So, in today's interrogation, am I going to be the good cop or the bad cop?
AGENT GASTON: I want to be the bad cop.
ALPHONSE: You're always the bad cop!
GASTON: We've only interrogated two suspects!
ALPHONSE: And, you were the bad cop both times!
GASTON: I was good at it!
ALPHONSE: I might be better! How will we know if I don't -
AFGHAN PRISONER: Excuse me.
ALPHONSE: What?
PRISONER: Is this the way you usually work?
GASTON: What do you mean?
ALPHONSE: Yes. Explain yourself.
PRISONER: Do you usually discuss interrogation techniques in front of the person you are interrogating?
GASTON: Is that wrong?
ALPHONSE: Should we not do that?
PRISONER: I...don't know. This is the first time I've been interrogated.
GASTON: Oho. First time, eh?
ALPHONSE: Well, it's not our first time, buddy-boy, so -
PRISONER: No, it's your third time.
GASTON: You - how could he possibly have known that?
ALPHONSE: Could he be part of a network that has been monitoring our interrogations?
GASTON: Do we have an infiltrator in our midst?
ALPHONSE: A double agent?
GASTON: Mais, oui!
ALPHONSE: Mais, non! C'est impossible!
GASTON: Then, how did he know this was our third interrogation?
ALPHONSE: Yes. Tell us: how did you know that this was our third interrogation?
PRISONER: You said so after you sat down.
GASTON: We did?
ALPHONSE: So we did!
PRISONER: You really are new at this, aren't you?
ALPHONSE: Do not let our casual demeanour fool you, my friend. We may not have a lot of experience in the field, but we have extension training.
PRISONER: Oh, really?
GASTON: Hsst! Extensive! Extensive!
ALPHONSE: Quoi?
GASTON: We have extensive training. Extensive!
ALPHONSE: But, that is what I said.
PRISONER: So, tell me: exactly what training have you had?
GASTON: We watched every episode of Prime Suspect. Twice!
ALPHONSE: Ah, that Helen Mitten - she is a great actress, non?
GASTON: And, we watched Nipple Twisters IV - A New Clamp In Town.
ALPHONSE: Although, that was on our lunch break.
GASTON: Still, it was 72 minutes that counted towards our interrogation certificate.
ALPHONSE: True. So, foul terrorist miscreant, know that you are dealing with two very savvy terror investigators!
PRISONER: I'm not a terrorist.
GASTON: Oho! Not a terrorist, he says?
ALPHONSE: Oh, yes. I distinctly heard him say "I'm not a terrorist."
GASTON: Did you really say that you are not a terrorist?
PRISONER: I'm not!
GASTON: He did! He did say he was not a terrorist!
ALPHONSE: Tell me something: if you are not a terrorist, what are you doing here?
GASTON: Ha! Weren't expecting us to ask that question, were you? Bet we've got you with that one. Hey? Hey?
PRISONER: I was having an argument with my brother-in-law about which side of the family property my sheep could graze on when the bastard turned me in to your soldiers for the $5,000 reward!
GASTON: Totally innocent, eh?
ALPHONSE: Turned you in, eh?
GASTON: For the reward, eh?
ALPHONSE: If that's the case, what were you doing in a war zone?
PRISONER: My whole country's a war zone!
GASTON: You had the option of leaving.
ALPHONSE: Going. Hightailing it. Scramming.
PRISONER: I'm a farmer! How could I go anywhere? It's not like I could take the farm with me! Are you saying wanting to grow crops on my own land makes me a terrorist?
GASTON: Of course that's not what we're saying.
ALPHONSE: Certainly not.
GASTON: Absolutely not.
ALPHONSE: Unless that is exactly what we're saying.
GASTON: So, you see - what did you say?
ALPHONSE: Well, the definition of terrorist is so contested these days.
PRISONER: Weren't you taught the definition of terrorism?
ALPHONSE: Umm...yes. Of course. I...was just...thinking of Prime Suspect at the time...
GASTON: I was daydreaming about Nipple Twisters IV...
ALPHONSE: You cannot expect us to pay attention to everything.
GASTON: The training was sooooooooooooo boring!
ALPHONSE: Ah, oui, tremendously bo -
Prisoner laughs.
ALPHONSE: You are laughing?
GASTON: He is laughing?
ALPHONSE: You are laughing?
GASTON: Yes, you are laughing?
PRISONER: Yeah. Sorry.
ALPHONSE: Why?
PRISONER: I'm just trying to figure out which one of you is supposed to be the bad cop.
GASTON: We both are.
PRISONER: You both are?
ALPHONSE: Mais, oui.
GASTON: Evidement.
PRISONER: How do you figure that?
GASTON: Simple. We're the ones who are going to hand you over to the Afghan army.
The Prisoner stops laughing.