What the Heck Do You Know? Is So Not Into Burping the Baby
1) How can you be there when the Stanley Cup is raised?
a) steal it
b) streak center ice
c) drink enough beer and you can be anywhere you like
2) which of the following outrages happened on the slowest news day?
a) Lady Gaga stripping on a street (because nobody in the press remembers Madonna!)
b) Robert Munsch talking about his drug addiction (because writers, even children's writers, never have any personal problems!)
c) Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock (because everybody in Hollywood is a celibate virgin!)
3) What does MMS stand for?
a) Maximum Mishegas, Silly
b) Minimal Micromanagement, Stupid
c) Makes Moronic Sacrifices
d) Mock Medical Sutures
e) Menial Martian Servitude
f) a symbol of the corruption of the Bush (Junior) government
g) other
4) Can Todd Palin shoot Joe McGinniss?
a) yes
b) no
c) this is what American journalism has come to? Edward R. Murrow must be turning in his grave...and we'll have full coverage of the Murrow grave-turning scandal after this commercial brea - STOP IT! STOP IT! FOR THE LOVE OF SANITY, SOMEBODY PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
5) Disgraced former evangelist Ted Haggard, now "cured" of the gay, is starting a new Church. What should it be called?
a) The Ministry of Going Apostolic
b) Jesus Sure As Hell Wouldn't Do THAT!
c) The Church of the Perpetually Closeted Self-haters
d) other
6) Somewhat disgraced evangelist John Hagee once said that Hitler and the Nazis were sent by god to chase the Jews to Israel. How embarrassed should Jewish groups be to accept his support?
a) red-faced embarrassed
b) red down to their toes embarrassed
c) ain't enough red in the world to describe how embarrassed they should be
7) How embarrassed are Jewish groups actually?
a) being caught eating pork at a Chinese restaurant embarrassed
b) swearing at a shiva embarrassed
c) turning on a light without thinking on Shabbas embarrassed
8) At the G20 summit in Toronto, the Conservative government weakened international bank reform (because our banks are doing just fine, thank you very much) and talked other governments to slash spending to reduce deficits in the middle of a very weak recovery from a recession. Canada has certainly made its presence felt on the world stage. How long will it take the world to forgive us?
a) if I were you, I wouldn't let my children travel outside the country with Canadian flags on their backpacks
b) if I were you, I would instruct my grandchildren to pretend they're from Sweden when they talk to anybody outside the country
c) if I were you, I would instruct my great-grandchildren to pretend they're from Mars when they talk to anybody outside the country
d) other
9) Republican Senators were recently in an uproar about former Supreme Court Justice (currently worm food) Thurgood Marshall. He was "a well-known activist,” said Jeff Sessions. "Marshall's judicial philosophy is not what I would consider to be mainstream,” stated Jon Kyl. According to Chuck Grassley, Marshall's mind did "not comport with the proper role of a judge or judicial method.” When this bout of librul judge-bashing arose, what were they actually supposed to be talking about?
a) what they were going to have for lunch
b) who was going to pick up the tab for lunch
c) stopping people on Welfare from being able to afford lunch (Republican Senators are easily distracted...)
10) PMS - who does it affect? How should you deal with it? Is it even real?
a) Mormons; throw a party; as real as a punch to the gut with a pillow full of otters
b) enchilada chefs; cry until someone sedates you; more real than a Hollywood starlet's...lips
c) everybody (in one way or another); ignore it and hope it goes away; oh, it's real, alright, and it's coming for your children!
11) According to the New York Times, "To turn the tide, General Petraeus will almost certainly continue the counterinsurgency strategy he devised with General McChrystal: protecting Afghan civilians, separating them from insurgents and winning public support.” This is like:
a) saying you plan on quitting smoking by continuing to consume six packs a day
b) endlessly debating the merits of spending less time on social media with all of your Facebook friends
c) saying you're going to make a bad situation better by doing the same thing you've been doing in that situation for years (only, Petraeus does it in purple)
12) Which of the following courses can you look forward to being offered at Glenn Beck University?
a) Introduction to Political Paranoia
b) Advanced Political Paranoia
c) Political Paranoia Practicum: Barack Obama Wants To Take All Of Your Wealth, Kill Your Grandma and Turn The United States Into a Muslim Theocracy
d) Gold (How To Promote It Without Appearing To Promote It)
e) all of the above
f) other Paranoia
g) other Gold
13) Michael Hastings of Rolling Stone has been excoriated by other journalists for the article he wrote where General McChrystal and his aides trashed the White House. What was Hastings' crime?
a) wearing spring fashions at the winter cotillion
b) murder middling foul
c) first degree journalism with intent to report
14) According to Hastings' article, McChrystal's counterinsurgency plan involved armed soldiers doubling as cultural representatives. "Think the Green Berets as an armed Peace Corps,” he wrote. Why is this one of the stupidest ideas in military history?
a) it doesn't take into account the medical needs of communities in war zones - or, for that matter, their ecological needs. If we're adding duties to the military, let's go big: think the Green Berets and the Peace Corps plus Medecins Sans Frontieres combined with Greenpeace (of course, at that point, we wouldn't really even need a government - isn't there a word for that...?)
b) it's hard to hold a shovel in your hands to break ground for a school for the children when you're already using your hands to hold the gun that is shooting at their parents because somebody in the village claimed that they were aiding the insurgency
c) the Peace Corps is from Venus and the Green Berets are from Mars
15) Wow. First Jews. Then blacks. Now Latinos. Which group will Mel Gibson slur next?
a) Icelandic sheep herders
b) left-handed tailors
c) what group do you belong to?
16) "Thousands dead, billions of dollars spent, zero regrets,” read the headline. What was the article about?
a) the Mars colonization
b) the Spanish Inquisition (bet you didn't expect - because no one expects - yeah, by this time, pretty much everyone expects the Spanish Inquisition, don't they?)
c) the war on
i) drugs
ii) poverty
iii) the country of
I) Iraq
II) Afghanistan
III) Iceland (bastard sheep herders! Mel Gibson had them pegged!)
17) Why do all those birds and fish dying in the Gulf of Mexico hate capitalism?
a) the dolphins are Communists, and their influence in the Gulf is substantial
b) the storks run drugs for big Mexican cartels, and they have the contempt for their customers that only people engaged in criminal activity can have
c) plankton hate our freedoms
18) What does victory in Afghanistan look like?
a) a daschund puppy with tuning forks instead of ears and an waffle iron where its tail should be
b) it's about this big and about this wide and it happily bounces up and down when Heart is playing on the radio
c) defeat virtually anywhere else in the world
19) What is your response to the possibility that American Christian organizations could come together to form a religious supergroup?
a) the announcement makes me long for the days of Asia
b) with Robertson on lead guitar and Falwell on bass, they should rake it in on a summer tour...for the lord
c) I don't see many "Judeo” groups in the supergroup that professes "Judeo-Christian” values - can I sue them for false advertising?
d) other
20) What, according to the Toronto Star, is "one of the planet's least rational conflicts?”
a) "You got your radioactive waste in my playground!” "No, you got your playground in my radioactive waste!”
b) your relationship with your parents
c) Cuba? Really? Because it doesn't even make my top 10 least rational conflicts! Cuba - hunh! Some headline writers really need to get out more!
